[Anastasia~]

How can I have such an awesome T and have an awesome session, and hours later I feel horrible? I don't deserve to be sane. I feel like the worst person ever. Or at least close.

I wish someone would just use the cruciatus curse on me and just get it over with.

[Out There]

Is it bringing up feelings of being unworthy and undeserving ? Those are core beliefs about ourselves planted there by someone else. And it makes us feel horrible. I know how you feel.

[Anastasia~]

Thank you so much for your response. I don't think I am always unworthy and undeserving. But I do think I am unworthy and undeserving at this point in time. Out There, I'm sorry you can relate. Take care!

[Anastasia~]

I keep telling T that I feel like I am sabotaging myself when I say things that make me feel afraid of abandonment, or whatever.

[BayBrony]

This used to be a really common experience for me and still is sometimes. For me it has to do with 2 things 1. Due to my childhood abuse and neglect love was inextricably linked to shame and fear for me....it took a long time to realize there might just be compassion, caring etc without anything bad waiting behind it and
2. Because of my childhood being so painful and neglectful my Ts care awoke excruciating longing in me.
I'd leave sessions and plunge in despair.
Fortunately most of that is behind me now

[Anastasia~]

Thanks so much all for the hugs and responses.

Baybrony,
WHat you say makes a lot of sense.
I well know the longing feeling and the excruciating despair of which you talk.
I am so sorry about your childhood situation, you didn't deserve that. I"m so glad that most things are behind you now. That takes a lot of work. I like that you are sharing your experience so all can see that it can and sometimes does get better.

I ended up texting T, and asking him, Are you ok? Am I ok? Are we ok? Which is somewhat common for me. He responded:
You and I BOTH are okay. This is our language.

I can't begin to tell you all how unbelievably caring and kind and consistent my T is. His texts make me cry because they are so empathic. Just when I start to feel how undeserving/unworthy I am, he goes and counters these beliefs. He has been here for me consistently no matter what. I am SOOOOOOOO thankful for him.