[backandforth]

Hey everyone
I used to come here... a loooong time ago it seems, but something made me think that this place would be a good one to go to right about now. I need some help w/ this T thing... I have been seeing my T since 1 3/4 yrs and she is awesome... I don't know where I would be without her. I started seeing her b/c of my ED but naturally we have touched a lot on other things as well... I feel really comfortable with her but there are a few topics I still do not fee comfortable talking to her about and at times sessions have become more conversational than anything, b/c we are so comfortable w/ each other. I am doing better in many ways, but I am beginning to think I will never fully recover not get out of feeling certain things and certain ways about myself... on top of that my mom is really sick right now and I am at a loss as to how to cope- and I am, but I feel like everything is just so pointless.

I have been thinking about whether to keep seeing her at this point is a good thing or not, and I am so close to telling her I will not come to the next appt and not wanting to reschedule for now. I've felt like this b/f and I am happy I stuck w/ T and we do talk about this too- she thinks I do need to keep coming but she is very respectful of what I choose to do. I know I need her as support but I also feel like T is stressing me out right now and like I will not be able to make those last changes now or ever, and then why go....

I don't know what to do........ I honestly don't now. Any feedback is welcome. Thank-you!!

What things don't you feel comfortable talking to your therapist about?

It might be that you are a bit stonewalled until you are able to figure this issue out. I often think therapy is a a bit of a process like that. I think of something and then I think 'I'll never say that to him - not in a million years!' but if I can find the courage to say it and we explore how and why it was hard for me, then that is where the real progress lies. Then, not so long after that I go through the whole process again with something else... Then, not so long after that something else comes up.

If you can't talk to her about some things... Could you at least talk to her about why you can't talk to her about some things?

[Mouse_]

Hi backandforth, I second Ak's post.

[ECHOES]

It's good to have her there for support with your mom being sick. I think that's a great reason to keep going.

I'm not real clear as to why you want to leave T. Conversational and comfortable are okay. I'm wondering if you're worried about that meaning you will be getting to those topics you find uncomfortable and you might be wanting to avoid them by quitting.

Have you talked with T about thinking of quitting?

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backandforth said:
I am doing better in many ways, but I am beginning to think I will never fully recover not get out of feeling certain things and certain ways about myself... on top of that my mom is really sick right now and I am at a loss as to how to cope- and I am, but I feel like everything is just so pointless.

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Hey there. I really want to caution you on quitting therapy because from what you said above, it sounds like you have a lot going on and it is taking a toll on you as far as your mood and outlook. Just the fact that you stated "everything is so pointless" leads me to think you might be feeling depressed... and I know when I'm depressed and hopeless everything does seem pointless, including therapy-- but the reason I don't give up is because I know that my view is being seriously skewed by my mood. In fact, feeling like you are out of coping mechanisms is all the more reason to stay in therapy-- if you leave, then you are dropping one more coping mechanism.

Remember, your therapy sessions are yours. Go ahead and bring it back to you-- you can take control of your sessions, letting your T know that there are things you need to talk about. Maybe start out with letting her know that she is stressing out or that you feel stuck.

[tsha]

I have faced similar situations a few times with my t. I have found that journalling helped me to get my thoughts out and make some sense of them. Then I have shared it with my t. (sometimse I read them, sometimes I have her read it to herself)

This gives me the security of having the time to think about what I want to say, at a time and a place where I feel safe, but also knowing I don't necessarily have to show it to t.

I made a decision when I started therapy that the ONLY way I was going to get myself through this was to be open and honest in therapy. I can't continue to live my life like this so there aren't many other choices.

Once I walked into a session and before saying hi, I said to her "I have something I have to tell you so don't let me leave until I do". (you'd be surprised at what you will do when your bladder is screaming at you)

Remember, they are there for us.

[Perna]

An equal argument could be made for why not go. Since you've had success in the past with continuing to go when you didn't want to and since your T, whose judgment you seem to respect seems to think it would be a good idea and, since we can't tell the future, I'd keep going for X period (give it 3 or 6 months or some such period you and your T agree to to "change" -- either your feelings or situation or how "helpful" therapy is).

[backandforth]

well, I did it. I emailed her. I cancelled. I did not ask to reschedule. She is not even in town this week. I feel sad, I feel relieved, I feel mad, I feel defeated, I feel like crying. Too exhausted to do any of those things. And the cycle goes on, I have that mindset of screw everything and I am just going to be really busy so I can forget and I will be fine, in my own way at least. I cannot do this any longer (I mean T), not like this. I wish we would have had some sort of agreement that I cannot do this (ie. come back x amnount of times b/f leaving to talk about things), we talked about it once but that was it...

alexandra & mouse- there are a few things I can't talk to her about, things that I am ashamed of or things that may make me look... weak? bad?? something negative?? I know I have problems w/ this. I like the idea of saying why I can't tell her certain things- or feel reluctant to. I think I will try to write those things down for myself and take it from there.

ECHOES- see what I wrote above re: quitting... you are right in that I know I can't escape some things any longer, though I think the other half is that it is just too much I am so overwhelmed thus I can't do this on top of everything else

pinksoil- when I talked to my T about debating whether to come back I said exactly what you said- that I would be taking a coping mechanism away. And I know that. but I don't think it is enough right now. I learned to be good at making my T sessions 'mine' and focus on things I needed help w/- but lately I have just had nothing to say, nothing seemed worth saying, the only obvious thing was my mom.

tsha- I have done that too, journalled and then brought that in, and it has generally been helpful. I have also become a lot more open and honest, though I still struggle w/ getting things out at times, and I guess this may be one of the times I was not verbal enough... or maybe I was. I know technically my T is there for me, but I don't feel like that is really true, it is very conditional. and I hate feeling 'needy' which I know is another issue.

perna- I like your suggestion and your argument. Who knows what will happen, it is something good to keep in mind if I were to go back at some point, which I think I will, but not now.