What just happened?

You have 6 more days to decided...

I'm sorry things are so hard. Hugs.

(((luc)))

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I'm not even sure what to say. This is horrible. Right now I'm not at all sure why I've been so positive about this in the past. I totally get that feeling of them sorta wanting to put words in your mouth. I have never said I'm in love with t, but she keeps talking about it anyway. And that...ugh...claiming to be one way while it's clear as day that they're another...**** you. Don't treat me like an idiot. Mine sat there today with her arms and legs crossed, looking at the ceiling and telling me that basically she can do no wrong, because it's all in my head.

I have nothing of essence to say. Been just crying all day. Like, yeah, she does make me feel like I'm a kid again and she's the center of my world and nothing will be good ever again. But her being a cold, fake ***** kinda does contribute. And what so I do? I run in for more.

Please don't hurt yourself. <3

How are you doing luco?

Yeah, I relate to that a lot.

I'm gonna try to post some more stuff about what happened in the session on Monday. Maybe with less asterisks...

Some days plenty of asterisks just are in order.

Feeling a bit better today. Keeping busy helps, apparently. I know it does, but sometimes, when the distress reaches a certain level, you just feel paralyzed.

With everything being said, I still wanna say that I think the process is legitimate. But it seems that finding T's who are strong, clear-headed, knowledgeable and dedicated enough to guide you through it are ****ing elusive.

You will certainly have a helluva lot of insight many appear to lack. I think you'll be amazing. You're smart and you know what this crap feels like. My pdoc, for example...I know she has read everything she should and has a lot of knowledge. And she does a pretty decent job. But I can just tell she doesn't get it. It's frustrating. I haven't asked her anything about her personal life whatsoever, but I just know. She reeks of privilege.

So, what Isola's post reminded me of was when he told me that he didn't know what to say, because he felt like anything he said would offend or upset me... and I said that felt like he was saying it was nothing to do with him - like I might as well be angry at the wall. He liked that for some reason, tried to get me to repeat it. And then we debated it for a while, and he didn't - wouldn't - get it. He said I was saying that he was blaming me, but I didn't say anything like that, I never used the word 'blame'. It was like he couldn't hear me.

At one point he also said that he liked me being angry with him, that it was good. And I wish I'd said "I'm glad you're having so much fun".

...and... there was something that felt very cruel. He started to tell me about what he was thinking, and when he does that it's often excruciating for me, I'm so scared of any possible rejection, so I sit there frozen, head in my hands, unable to look at him, gritting my teeth...

...and then he stopped halfway through saying it. Until I looked up and said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"... and he asked how that made me feel, and I said "REALLY STRESSED" and he said "yeah, I just wanted to show you how it feels."

It was horrible. Like he was trying to teach me a lesson. Except it's not the same. That's not how it feels for him when I can't finish my sentence. It's definitely not.

Okay, so... yeah... he did spend half the session being an arrogant arsehole. But... there are shreds of hope that I'm clinging on to.

It seemed like he softened, later in the session. At the beginning of the session I'd talked about doing the sand tray the week before, how it had eased my sadness, and then, near the end of the session, when I was just sobbing... he said... "It looks like the sadness came back." And he sounded... genuinely sad and confused. A bit defeated, maybe.

At least I think so. I can't work out how much of that is projection. I never can.

But he also said - and this is what I'm really hanging on to: "I'm going to have to do some reflecting on this session because I really don't know what just occurred." (and I replied - in a ridiculous squeaky voice because I was so overcome with emotion - "neither do I!")

He'd better be doing that reflecting. I certainly am.

Thank you so much

I absolutely agree with you. I think most of them just really don't get it.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. I am too. Guess I've been staying distracted as well. It just seems... further away today. Less like a gaping wound. More like an ache.

Seeming further away and less like a gaping wound and more like an ache sounds like progress and hopefully feels like it too. It also sounds positive your T will reflect on it. Those intense feelings and anger are , well , ugh , so lots of asterisks are OK and help get it out.

Gosh. I resonate so much with the "blame" comment and the not being able to hear you part. In my termination letter to ex-t, I said, "I felt like I was pounding on soundproof glass, screaming, doing anything I could to get you to hear me." But she didn't.

I've since left her and looking back, I don't have regrets because I can see that she and I were in a cycle of reenactment. And because of how much I pay attention to things, any shift in her demeanor or our dynamic would have alarm bells ringing in me. i hate starting over, but a new T will help me look at it objectively.

I hope things work out for ya!

I hope he really does reflect on it. The fact that he made that comment suggests he realizes he did something wrong. Which I've found is an important part of healing a rupture (or whatever you want to call this)--for the T to accept and admit some fault in what went wrong.

Hugs luc. That sounds really rough

CALLING FOR POCKET RIDERS! Session in two and a half hours. I am freaking out right now. Feel like I could be sick. Don't want to do it.

Hopping in! Hope it goes well

Leaping from Munie to Luco's pocket, I'm in here too. You got this.

Hope it goes well, Luc!

Jumping in if I'm not too late!

Thanks everyone.

It's all f***ed to be honest.

I can't leave him though. So there's that.

I guess I'm stuck with him.

He said that when I cried he felt like he wanted to hold me.

Aww, Luc. what happened?

I think you posted at the same time as me, Argo...

I don't know what happened. He didn't say what I needed him to say. He said something that made me furious, and I felt a fight or flight response, I could have hit him or walked out of the door. But I didn't, instead I cried hopelessly because I realised he could never be what I needed and he could never understand and it had to all be over.

...and then he said that when I cried like that he wanted to hold me.

...and now I feel sick with longing at the thought of it.

((Luc)) I'm so sorry.

I wish he hadn't said that. Is this his 'transparent honesty' at work? I'm sorry you're hurting.

Yeah, I guess that's why he said it. It did seem honest, anyway, so I guess that's something.

But it just confirmed to me that my perceptions of him are generally correct. So when I feel he's not being genuine (a lot of the time) I am probably right.

I wrote this after my session on the 8th May:

"Instead of screaming I started to cry and he passed me the box of tissues... he's never done that before. He had to stand up and lean towards me to do it and for a split second I think I thought maybe he was going to wrap his arms around me. Or even just put his hand on my shoulder. I don't know.

There are other ways of looking at it, but I want to interpret his giving me the tissues as an expression of his need to comfort me in that moment... in some physical, practical way. Maybe he felt how desperately I wanted to be held."

I knew it, see?

I mentioned that, when he said it. He said I was right, that he did feel it then, that it is why he suddenly and awkwardly passed me a box of tissues.