What just happened?

Erm, guess I'm seeing him at 9am tomorrow then.

omg what am i doing

You're not letting yourself be called a toddler.

You're just seeing what other options there are. You're trying to make an informed decision. In other words, not being a toddler

Getting caught up with this now. Once again, many of the things you say sound so, so familiar. The power struggle, bickering over semantics, being infantilized...the agony of knowing you'd probably be better off leaving and finding someone else and yet feeling like you can't. The whole deciding to leave them unless they answer in a satisfactory way, and them failing to, even close. I have had that plan a few times now. Twice I was serious, twice she failed, and have I done it? No. I actually ended up apologizing to her. I didn't even care that she probably misunderstood my apology. I was just sorry that unpleasantness happened between us. I did come to understand what happened better, but the fact remains that she was thoughtless, cold and unwilling to take any steps to make it less painful to me.

I did find a new therapist I'd like to try, back in May, with the transitional object debacle. I wrote him an email and never sent it. Because the thought of leaving her leaves me feeling like my heart would be ripped in half and I wouldn't know how to function. I've considered just having a consultation with the other T, for perspective, but part of me is terrified I wouldn't be able to not tell her, and that might open a door for her to terminate me.

So I tell myself BS reasons to stick with her. That dealing with her is helping me with things like delayed (or non-?) gratification, growing a thicker skin, tolerating overwhelming emotions, curbing the anger, frustration and sadness that tend to flare up, when she just doesn't get me, learning not to be so affected by the hurtful things she does, that could in theory be read either as rigid boundaries or just not being very nice to me.

In one of the recent sessions, when we, for once, even scratched the surface or my feelings for her in actual back and forth conversation, I said that I hate it, because it makes me such a sucker. She asked me why (oh jeez) and I can't even remember what I said, but I should have said that it's because she really can do no wrong. I don't know what she would need to do for me to not keep running back to her, tail wagging, thirsty for a little bit of kindness, an open smile that breathes life back into me, a tone in her words that tells me I'm worthwhile as a human being. I keep checking the empty cupboard, and, lo and behold, sometimes a morsel appears.

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away.
But baby, I just need one good one to stay.

Sucker. Suuuuuuucker. How much more cliché can you get, and why is this so impossible to fix, even though it's clear as day what's going on?

Mind you, I don't think she's anything but wonderful, really. Her goodness just doesn't belong to me.

I applaud you for the guts to contact another therapist.

One time my t told me he wanted to buy me a birthday present. Or he might have said it for a few birthdays before i got the point. Its not the actual present or the actual holding that is the missing emotional puzzle piece - it's that someone WANTS to. Or wanted to, long ago. Or did. That need was satisfied. We're not starving for it now. Why are we starving for it now?

I had a session on my birthday. A big one. I reflected on how this one feels and how the one a decade ago felt. She asked me if it was today. I said yes. She said "Oh."

I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. It's not her job to tell me happy birthday. Just like it's not her job to do many other things that would fill my needs. Like comfort me. She keeps telling me that I'm expecting her to be the ideal mother. No, I am not. I'm wanting that. That, and some other things that are very unmotherly. But am I expecting them? No. One of these days I'll let loose and tell her that 1. Wanting and expecting are, in fact, not the same thing. Getting those things confused is what makes rapists happen, among other ****** things. 2. I am not ever expecting her to be the ideal mother. Hoping? Maybe. But I would settle for some basic human decency. Now I'm pissed.

Looks like this one can't grammar, either.

Sorry for the inappropriately timed humor. Take care, Luc. You haven't done anything wrong. Let us know how it goes.

I wrote those rants in the morning, on my phone, barely awake, and got all self-absorbed again. Sometimes the line between relating and woe-is-me-napping is a fine one. Sorry.

Tomorrow as in tomorrow tomorrow? Thursday? Yiiiiikes! Seriously, you rock. It is so very damn hard to even know if what you're doing is going anywhere good, if you're repeating a pattern or actually trying to resolve it. And, if you are trying to resolve it, if you're doing that with a person who can and will help you. And even if you mostly know you're not going anywhere good...well. It's still ****ing hard. Excruciating. If it were about logic and reason, who would even need psychotherapy? I, at least, believe that the reason these feelings are so overpowering, so heartbreaking, nearly impossible to explain and resist, is that they're essentially the feelings of a child. A human being that is only just learning about things like regulating those emotions, a sense of self, independent of a nurturing, providing adult and such. They feel like matters of life and death, because to that child they were. They shouldn't anymore, because now that child is an adult, but somewhere along the way she was let down one time too many, and something went wrong. And trying to correct that is what makes these patterns happen. Calling that adult a toddler is not helping. That is mocking.

I honestly don't know if I'm getting it all wrong, but the basic principle of what's happening there seems pretty straightforward to me. Why is it that it seems to impossible to these people, who should be seasoned professionals, to help people untangle those messes, not let all the debris and details on the surface distract them, not get caught up in stupid mind games, and, most of all, to treat people with respect? When's it ever necessary to compare an adult to a toddler? I don't see much difference between that and making fun of someone's physical handicap, to be honest.

I apologize again, in case my pissy two cents went too far or assumed too much or too liberally applied theories not everyone subscribes to.

But, what I was trying to say was that you deserve better and I think you're being really brave, going in search of that.

I agree with you, that something went wrong with us.

I dont agree that calling an adult a toddler is mocking. That's ageism to assume that is true! Toddlers have a lot of good qualities. Adults have a lot of bad ones.

I think the t is just saying, it looks like you got stuck at this stage, your mom didnt handle it well, lets try for a re-do.

If you dont feel comfortable doing that with your t, then maybe you need another t, or maybe - my case - my life wasnt miserable enough yet. When my life was completely in the toilet (the one in the bus station), i decided if i was ever fortunate enough to be in a ts office again, i'd do whatever it took, i would say whatever i had to say - whatever the truth was, no matter how shameful or embarrassing or humiliating. Cuz otherwise it just stays inside you and sneaks out like a bad smelly belch.

Isola, please don't feel you should apologise for your posts, I always appreciate your input. It is very comforting to hear that you relate so strongly to my experience. Thank you for sharing what you have shared.

Argo - yeah, did you notice T-Rex managed to use 'you're' instead of 'your' in that email despite getting it correct in the previous sentence? I just hate that he can't even be consistent with his errors..

So - the T I met with this morning was really, really lovely. I definitely think I could work with him. He was very understanding of my current situation and has said he is willing to work with me on it if I make that decision.

He has an amazing twirly moustache and round glasses and a warm Canadian accent. (Where are all the Canadians at, PC?! I've never seen one here?)

I am going to see what happens on Monday.

I doubt I will be able to leave, but it feels like the option is there...

I'm glad to hear that meeting this new T was a positive experience. You see, this is what I meant when I suggested earlier that you consult with another T. It's unlikely to resolve what you are going through with the old one but can provide some momentary distraction, positive feelings about going to a therapy session, and perhaps a fresh perspective. I am personally absolutely not a believer in accepting every BS therapists throw at us and increasing engagement when stuck in a turbulence and upset. It might work for some people but not for everyone, so I think it is good to try different things. I think stepping back a little and looking at things that way can often provide a much greater clarity when re-engaging with a challenging situation, probably for your long-term T as well, even if he would not admit it.

I wasn't there like anyone else but suppose my opinion is as good as anyone else's.

It looks to me like he was trying to challenge a defense you had and reach the child you underneath--the one who holds the raw, vulnerable feelings....in an effort to move the therapy forward. (When my T challenges my defenses, I always end up with a strong, emotional--often angry, reaction. New insights usually follow.)

It sounds like you felt humiliated, among other things. Sorry. Therapy is hard.

I can relate to your feelings, I think. I was once hopelessly in love with someone (not a T). I remember feeling totally out of control and humiliated. The humiliation also led to outbursts of anger, because it was pretty unbearable. I never really found a satisfactory solution to those feelings, and it was a forced separation that ended them.

I've felt pretty vulnerable in therapy as well. Ive personally found it helpful to constantly remind the T that its not about them. I.e. "I feel Im in love with you, which is confusing because I don't really know you, and you're not really my type, so I wonder what thats all about" or something like that. I understand that may not be applicable in your case though, but thought I'd share just in case that helped in any way.

I appreciate everyone posting, but just to clarify: I'm not interested in any opinions on whether it was okay for my T to compare me to a toddler or not. It 100% wasn't okay with me in the context it took place in.

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. I don't think I'm going to be able to leave him, I really don't. I love him. The stupid twat.

I don't know what to say that is useful, but thinking of you Lucozader. I really hope that things will start to get better. Maybe - hopefully- this is a kind of storm where you will emerge from the other side stronger than you went in...

Why don't you want to leave him vs. why do you think you should leave him?

Consider the "sorry button" pushed. Also, I appreciate the word twat." Twat twat twat. Suck on twat, profanity filter.

This sucks. Please be gentle to yourself. You deserve it.

Session in a couple of hours. Not feeling great about it, but perhaps more hopeful than I was earlier in the week.

I watched a talk about erotic transference on youtube, by a jungian analyst called Felicia Matto-Shepard. It was great. She quoted a book by someone called John Haule:

"These moments of disconnection that escalate so inevitably into blame and hostility, they lie at the heart of [the client's] alienation. Confirmation, time and time again, that he is a non-person, unworthy of human community. His touchiness on the subject makes it difficult for us to respond, but our task is essentially no different in that moment than in any other - we must comprehend his emerging self with accurate empathy, and feel his desolation, ratify his sense that he has been misunderstood indeed by us."

I was really struck by it. It seems to describe what it going on for me so well, and how my T isn't giving me what I need... If I feel brave enough (and I hope I feel brave today) I will read it to him.

I don't know whether to tell him about meeting with the other T on Thursday...

That was not good.

Re-posted from the couch, for people (mostly Xyn) who don't read there:

He didn't even remember saying he wanted to hold me.

Or anything, as far as I could tell. He barely seemed to know who I was. He just said stupid s**t like "you seem angry".

Then we sat in silence for fifteen minutes.

Then I said I hated him, and he said "I'm glad you felt able to say that to me" and I said "it doesn't matter, you won't remember in five minutes anyway", and he decided that was a good moment to talk about email boundaries.

So I said "yeah, what I needed right then was a bit of boundary setting, what great timing" and I left.

E-mailing him now to say that I won't be seeing him anymore. We made an appointment at the start of the session for Wednesday next week so I suppose I'll keep that and say goodbye to him.

E-mailing the new T to say I'd like to start seeing him asap.

Hard to type now, crying too much.

((((lucozader)))))

I'm really sorry. My only suggestion is to definitely terminate properly if that is what you choose to do, but also, if you end up choosing to stay, that is OK. It's all OK.

And, no matter what, I promise that you can survive this. I absolutely know the pain -- as if you cannot survive. But, you can. You can survive things that seem utterly impossible. It sucks, and it's hard, and it's unfair. But, you can do it. And it's ok if you don't believe that right now. We believe it for you.

I am also really sorry. What a jerk, glad you stuck up for you and walked out.

I think you don't have to keep the appointment on Weds if you don't want to. For me, it worked to just walk away without a final session. The anger helped. But you also don't have to decide about that final appointment right now when all the emotions are so painful.

What an idiot.