[tosca203]

...what do you do?

My therapist has started to throw in little comments about his family or his past now and then. The comments are always relevant to what we are discussing. And, overall, they do help me feel more comfortable with him.

When he says these things, however, it temporarily throws me off-guard. I appreciate him sharing this information, but I try not to act like it's a big deal. I usually just let it pass in conversation without really acknowledging what he said, and continue on with our topic. But this approach makes me feel like a huge, self-involved jerk.

Yesterday, I tried asking a really obvious follow-up question to something he volunteered about his past (re: his college major), and he hesitated for a second before answering. I definitely felt like I was pushing his boundaries.

I sort of want to tell him that he doesn't have to self-disclose if he's not comfortable, but I know that he is well aware of this and is capable of making the decision of where is boundaries lie.

Does your therapist self-disclose? How do you feel about it? For me, I think I feel a mix of gratefulness, connection, and awkwardness. I think it's overall a positive interaction, but I'm not sure if I'm handling it as well as I would like.

[SoConfused623]

Thanks for your post. The biggest problem that I had with my last T was that she was a blank slate and it drove me crazy. I got really attached and wanted to know everything about her and she would tell me absolutely nothing and it would drive me crazy!

I ended up finding a new T, who rarely self discloses but who will answer any of my questions or at least so far she has. In fact, when I've asked her questions, she doesn't just give me a one word answer, she even may elaborate a little.

I know what you mean when you say that it kind of throws you off as I feel caught off guard when she does because I'm just not used to it. But, I really appreciate it as it makes it feel like she's a real person. I have also been able to talk about very sensitive subjects with her because I feel comfortable with her and I feel like knowing a little bit about her background makes me more at ease. At least I know who I'm talking to.

In summary, I don't mind when she self-discloses, in fact, I find it refreshing. However, if she did it all of the time, that would be a problem!

[InnerPeace111]

My therapist self discloses in a very general and vague manner. For example, she will say something like this: "There have been times in my life when I've felt that way, too." She does not disclose anything about her family, hobbies / interests, vacations, etc. but she will --- and only very rarely --- self disclose about a personal experience that pertains strictly to herself. I appreciate how she self discloses and I would not want it any other way. It just works well for me.

Just my two cents here but I think it's okay --- in fact, it's more than okay --- for you to carry on with the topic at hand without further discussing your therapist's self disclosure. It wouldn't be good etiquette among family and friends in real world conversations, of course, but therapy is not the real world. Keeping the focus on yourself in therapy is the very best thing you can do for yourself and the world for that matter.

[Out There]

One of my T's does it more than the other and I find it very effective. It's always relevant and makes them more " real " and human. I've discussed it with them and it's been OK.

[junkDNA]

I think I know too about my T and his family

[nottrustin]

If we are on the middle of a therapy discussion and working on something in my life I hear what she is saying and we continue on with the original conversation. I don't think she wants to chance the topic to herself. She does it to normalize what I am talking about. After the session I feel like a her I for appearing rude and not acknowledging what she said. I keep reminding myself that is not what it is anout.

However, there are times we are making small talk and she will disclose something and I will ask questions.

[Ellahmae]

Duchess self discloses all the time. I know way too much about her, her family, children, bad habits, etc, everything.

[MobiusPsyche]

I usually just carry on with what we were discussing. Sometimes I will thank her for trusting me with that, if it was something really personal.

[Calilady]

I think the one of the few times that her self-disclosure caught me off-guard was,
"Was it you who I told that my fiancee had killed himself?"

I dunno, it just felt strange to be the recipient of that.

[anais_anais]

Originally Posted by Calilady

I think the one of the few times that her self-disclosure caught me off-guard was,
"Was it you who I told that my fiancee had killed himself?"

I dunno, it just felt strange to be the recipient of that.

YIKES.

Mine both self disclose a moderate amount but never inappropriately so, at least I don't think. It's mostly helpful to me. In the past I haven't trusted the ones I know nothing about. Occasionally they'll say something that makes me feel awkward/envious/destabilized/overly enamored/ what have you but it's interesting to explore why that is.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I think I know too about my T and his family

Too much *****

[Out There]

Originally Posted by Calilady

I think the one of the few times that her self-disclosure caught me off-guard was,
"Was it you who I told that my fiancee had killed himself?"

I dunno, it just felt strange to be the recipient of that.

I think you're well to be away from that T. She sounds like she has a lot of issues.

[stopdog]

I usually sit there and wonder why the hell they think I care.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by Out There

I think you're well to be away from that T. She sounds like she has a lot of issues.

Yes, it's for the best. Felt strange to hear that.

[Calilady]

I think another time that I didn't appreciate her disclosing things was when it felt like it was forced to establish some rapport with me.

I believe I said something about myself and she pointed to herself and said, "Yeah, I used to punch walls." Perhaps it wasn't her intention for me to feel minimized in that moment. Maybe I was being too sensitive. I just didn't find a correlation between my avoidant patterns as an adult and how she punched walls as a teenager.
Maybe it's just me...

[skeksi]

T shares very little. When he does share a little story of bit of information, I get the sense it is something he's shared with other clients (and it always illustrates some point he is making). I would probably feel uncomfortable if it felt like special information just for me. I don't usually comment on it, but I do listen and appreciate it!

[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by WorriedWell23

...what do you do?

My therapist has started to throw in little comments about his family or his past now and then. The comments are always relevant to what we are discussing. And, overall, they do help me feel more comfortable with him.

When he says these things, however, it temporarily throws me off-guard. I appreciate him sharing this information, but I try not to act like it's a big deal. I usually just let it pass in conversation without really acknowledging what he said, and continue on with our topic. But this approach makes me feel like a huge, self-involved jerk.

Yesterday, I tried asking a really obvious follow-up question to something he volunteered about his past (re: his college major), and he hesitated for a second before answering. I definitely felt like I was pushing his boundaries.

I sort of want to tell him that he doesn't have to self-disclose if he's not comfortable, but I know that he is well aware of this and is capable of making the decision of where is boundaries lie.

Does your therapist self-disclose? How do you feel about it? For me, I think I feel a mix of gratefulness, connection, and awkwardness. I think it's overall a positive interaction, but I'm not sure if I'm handling it as well as I would like.

I ask current T a bunch of questions -- pretty much anything I want to ask.

She's sometimes done what your T does -- disclosed on her own and then kinda clammed up when I pushed. However, that doesn't bother me.

She has though -- rather annoyingly -- been on this weird trip where she keeps worrying (and worse still, openly asking me) if she's being "self-indulgent" (her words) by disclosing as much as she does to me because apparently, she enjoys talking to me so much and so gets carried away.

At first I thought she was clearly pulling my leg about it -- trying to slip in the whole "I enjoy talking to you so much" crap -- but regardless of her reasons, it seems she does worry that she tells me more than what she tells other clients (at least in her perception -- which given what I've seen of it, isn't exactly flawless).

All this despite my reminding her that I have agency and so, could she shove her opinions somewhere else because I actually do ask questions.

So yeah, she self-discloses -- sometimes on her own, sometimes when I ask, sometimes both -- and seems to have some pangs of I-don't-know-what around it.

[ruh roh]

The first couple of years, mine barely disclosed anything. The most I knew was that she had a dog and (a few months later disclosed) a cat. I do like knowing some things, so it's been helpful when she does it. She doesn't go overboard or anything. It feels like it's just enough.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by WorriedWell23

Does your therapist self-disclose? How do you feel about it? For me, I think I feel a mix of gratefulness, connection, and awkwardness. I think it's overall a positive interaction, but I'm not sure if I'm handling it as well as I would like.

I wouldn't worry about him self-disclosing. He wouldn't do it if he wasn't comfortable. My current T is pretty open about parts of her life, and she seemingly throws in stories from her life that always go with whatever I am talking about.

She once said to me that she feels connected to her clients when she can relate with something from her own life.

(or something in that vein)

She told me early on in therapy that she has a tendency to ramble, and I can tell her to shut up at any moment, not that I ever would have. Now that I've seen her for about 2 years, she has figured out a good balance between letting me sit in silence, and her filling it in. At first it was too much, but she figured it out without me ever telling her, because I am a big wuss

[annielovesbacon]

My T very rarely self-discloses, and when she does, it's brief and relevant (and not super personal). In the moment, I feel happy and somehow honored that she would share that information with me. In session, she usually says these kinds of things briefly or in passing, as part of a larger point, so I don't really have a chance to ask questions. I don't think I would, anyway, as I'm not in therapy to learn about her. (Although I would love to, don't get me wrong.)

Mine has always told me a lot about herself. We chit chat a lot. I dont feel anything about it, because it is just normal for us. I like hearing things about her. Its helpful.

[healinginprogress]

My T does it a lot, I think, but it's a very interesting balance. I feel like I know a lot about her, but very random details. It's helpful as I've somewhat idealized her, so being reminded that she's actually a person is a good thing. In addition, we have had similar family of origins, so being able to relate in that way gives me confidence during therapy.

Originally Posted by WorriedWell23

...what do you do?

My therapist has started to throw in little comments about his family or his past now and then. The comments are always relevant to what we are discussing. And, overall, they do help me feel more comfortable with him.

When he says these things, however, it temporarily throws me off-guard. I appreciate him sharing this information, but I try not to act like it's a big deal. I usually just let it pass in conversation without really acknowledging what he said, and continue on with our topic. But this approach makes me feel like a huge, self-involved jerk.

Yesterday, I tried asking a really obvious follow-up question to something he volunteered about his past (re: his college major), and he hesitated for a second before answering. I definitely felt like I was pushing his boundaries.

I sort of want to tell him that he doesn't have to self-disclose if he's not comfortable, but I know that he is well aware of this and is capable of making the decision of where is boundaries lie.

Does your therapist self-disclose? How do you feel about it? For me, I think I feel a mix of gratefulness, connection, and awkwardness. I think it's overall a positive interaction, but I'm not sure if I'm handling it as well as I would like.

I find self-disclosure really helpful. I wonder if it is an issue that the T holds all the power and control over their self- disclosure? So they can choose to disclose something, but only what they choose. As a client we can be quite powerless around the issue (depending on the therapist), and quite shamed too if we ask something, and the T does not answer, or if we respond to what the T said and they close up.

My T has self-disclosed quite a bit about his trauma history. He actually told me the Cliff Notes version of his story at the end of our very first session. Most of the time I find that his self-disclosure to be very beneficial. I remember thinking at the end of the first session that if he was able to overcome his past, perhaps I can overcome mine.

He has self-disclosed too much, though. When he told me the "full" version of his story, it was more than I could handle. He said later that he said what he did in an effort to show how intimately he empathized with what I was going through. But it left me feeling sad for him. I wanted to take care of him and felt like I was a burden to him because I spent so much time talking about topics that were probably triggering to him.

What was most helpful was for me to discuss this with him. Now he doesn't self-disclose as much, but at this juncture in our relationship, that's probably for the best.

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

The first couple of years, mine barely disclosed anything. The most I knew was that she had a dog and (a few months later disclosed) a cat. I do like knowing some things, so it's been helpful when she does it. She doesn't go overboard or anything. It feels like it's just enough.

Hah, this is pretty much the only thing mine has disclosed to me - that he has a dog and a cat. Everything else I know about him is either from looking at the room I see him in (the keyboard, for example) or from googling. Or... from looking at him (like the fact that he wears a wedding ring and has a clichéd Latin phrase tattooed on his arm)...

I spose pet ownership might seem like an inconsequential bit of self-disclosure but it had a massive effect on me.