[rainbow8]

I'm having a hard time. I honestly believe my T would write those words to me except that she wants it to be MY decision. I don't know what to do. I'm conflicted.

[feralkittymom]

I guess I'm confused about the purpose of writing/reading such a letter. Generally I think it's more productive to speak one's own truth rather than focus on a T and speculate about what she would think/say.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I guess I'm confused about the purpose of writing/reading such a letter. Generally I think it's more productive to speak one's own truth rather than focus on a T and speculate about what she would think/say.

I know it's what she'll say. I have to discuss it on Wednesday. I was trying to get prepared.

[zoiecat]

Wow kudos to you to even be able to write that. It is a very healthy approach if you can not now just work on making yourself believe that. I think the letter shows that you do have insight of what really needs to be done. It's just a matter of allowing yourself to fly the nest, use the skills she's given you and move on in life. As you know your therapist can never be your friend but by refocusing our attention on people in the real world you can actually find a friend who can reciprocate and be that replacement for yourself. I hope you can find the courage to believe in yourself and move on to the life you deserve.

[BonnieJean]

I read it. I'm confused by it. Are you trying to convince yourself you should stop therapy by imagining what t would say about you being ready to stop?

[unaluna]

The way i see it is, i told my t early on that i liked him. Then i qualified it, saying that at least i dont want to kill him him after talking to him for fifteen minutes. That is, he doesnt annoy me in therapy. But as time has gone by, i think might annoy me, and i him, IRL. But i do think i have become a better listener. At the beginning, i REALLY felt like he was wasting "my" time if he spoke. Now it doesnt bother me, but also my insurance is different and i pay less. But i also like other people more, or at least i feel i am more open to other people.

So i would ask you if your relationships with other people have changed in any way also. Otherwise i would be afraid you were closing a door without opening a window.

But i think the letter sounds like you talking, not your t. I went down from 4 times a week, to 3, to 2, to 1, to 2, to 1, then back up to 2. Once a week felt like we werent even seeing each other. But i had to experience it to realize it wasnt enough. And undo and redo!

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know it's what she'll say. I have to discuss it on Wednesday. I was trying to get prepared.

I'm not doubting you believe it's what she'll say. My point is more about why does it matter what she believes/will say? I think it would be more productive to focus on your conflicting feelings about what it is you need from therapy. When your T tells you that she is open to continuing as long as it helps you, she means as long as it moves you closer to your goals. But what are your goals beyond just wanting to be in her presence?

[88Butterfly88]

I'm wondering the same thing as BonnieJean. Also, even if you do know your t well you still really can't predict exactly what she is going to say.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

Wow kudos to you to even be able to write that. It is a very healthy approach if you can not now just work on making yourself believe that. I think the letter shows that you do have insight of what really needs to be done. It's just a matter of allowing yourself to fly the nest, use the skills she's given you and move on in life. As you know your therapist can never be your friend but by refocusing our attention on people in the real world you can actually find a friend who can reciprocate and be that replacement for yourself. I hope you can find the courage to believe in yourself and move on to the life you deserve.

Thank you very much, zoiecat. I hope so too!

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

I read it. I'm confused by it. Are you trying to convince yourself you should stop therapy by imagining what t would say about you being ready to stop?

Not exactly. T has said all of those statements to me already, just not altogether. I don't want to stop therapy, but I think I should. I know I've posted similar threads, but it seems like my T is subtly pushing me in that direction. I've known her for over 7 years, so I think I'm correct.

Originally Posted by unaluna

The way i see it is, i told my t early on that i liked him. Then i qualified it, saying that at least i dont want to kill him him after talking to him for fifteen minutes. That is, he doesnt annoy me in therapy. But as time has gone by, i think might annoy me, and i him, IRL. But i do think i have become a better listener. At the beginning, i REALLY felt like he was wasting "my" time if he spoke. Now it doesnt bother me, but also my insurance is different and i pay less. But i also like other people more, or at least i feel i am more open to other people.

So i would ask you if your relationships with other people have changed in any way also. Otherwise i would be afraid you were closing a door without opening a window.

But i think the letter sounds like you talking, not your t. I went down from 4 times a week, to 3, to 2, to 1, to 2, to 1, then back up to 2. Once a week felt like we werent even seeing each other. But i had to experience it to realize it wasnt enough. And undo and redo!

Yes, my relationships with others have changed for the better. I have more friends and feel more comfortable in social situations. I suppose I can try every 2 weeks and see how I do. I think $100/week is a lot to spend but I can't seem to make the decision to cut down sessions unless I'm going out-of-town or have to cancel for some important reason.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm not doubting you believe it's what she'll say. My point is more about why does it matter what she believes/will say? I think it would be more productive to focus on your conflicting feelings about what it is you need from therapy. When your T tells you that she is open to continuing as long as it helps you, she means as long as it moves you closer to your goals. But what are your goals beyond just wanting to be in her presence?

I am serious about one of my main goals being to be able to quit therapy, ie, to solve my attachment issues. My goal is not to be in her presence. That's not a goal; that's a yearning. Another goal was to become less anxious. I now have tools to combat my anxiety, but they don't work 100%. Another goal was to become my own person, for my Self to lead my parts. I'm doing that but I still don't want to quit therapy. That's what I mean by conflicted.

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

:sadhug

I'm wondering the same thing as BonnieJean. Also, even if you do know your t well you still really can't predict exactly what she is going to say.

Thank you, butterfly. As I said above, my T HAS said those things, just not altogether in one speech. I know she continually says it's up to me, but her comment about "if it's helping" made me feel ashamed or something like that. I'm paying $100/session out of pocket and I'm not sure it's helping enough to warrant all that money. Sessions often help for specific things, but the connection is the main attraction for me, EVEN THOUGH I have others in my life I connect with. I will be missing some sessions in October so it seems to naturally work out that I miss one session per month. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of if I cut down. Well, I do know. I'll be depressed and miserable, though I probably won't be. It's just hard!!

[feralkittymom]

I am serious about one of my main goals being to be able to quit therapy, ie, to solve my attachment issues. My goal is not to be in her presence. That's not a goal; that's a yearning. Another goal was to become less anxious. I now have tools to combat my anxiety, but they don't work 100%. Another goal was to become my own person, for my Self to lead my parts. I'm doing that but I still don't want to quit therapy. That's what I mean by conflicted.

Solving attachment issues and quitting therapy are not the same thing. It seems like you're waiting until you no longer feel the yearning to decide you can stop therapy. But that's not how motivation works. Action creates motivation, not the reverse. Actions lay the foundation for new ways of thinking and feeling. If you've taken actions in other areas of your life, why is this area so different?

I think your yearning is an unconscious goal (source of motivation): it's the feeling you most often defer to.

--the connection is the main attraction for me

Whenever this motivation is in any way threatened, even obliquely, you stop any further examination of the resulting feelings by deciding

It's just hard!

Yes, it is hard. Feelings can be hard. And difficult feelings can be survived and moved beyond, and eventually feelings can be a source of power, but not if they're never tested out by taking action. Your T keeps trying to nudge you in this direction; are you willing to trust her in this?

[growlycat]

I don't fully understand the push from yourself or t to end therapy if you feel you get something out of it. Living life and seeing a t are not mutually exclusive. I believe you can do both. But others here have ts with a similar push you out of the nest philosophy and it seems to work for them.

Maybe your T distracts you from feeling painful or uncomfortable feelings? I would focus on that to help determine next steps. Best of luck.

[unaluna]

Are you afraid she is going to be mad at you, and unavailable to you, if you dont have a "official excuse" for not seeing her, like vacation? Does it mean you love her any less, if you dont want to spend the money?

I hope im not spilling the beans here, but i started to feel like my t was just taking up too much of my time and energy. When i had no energy, it was fine - he gave me some! But eventually we grow away. But they are not going to act like mama birds and kick us out of the nest - i think for many of us, we have already been traumatized by a parent who did that to us too soon. Or held on to us for too long. Anyway, they let US make the break this time, however long it takes us. So i think your anxiety about her, is really just your own anxiety. But you probably already knew that.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Solving attachment issues and quitting therapy are not the same thing. It seems like you're waiting until you no longer feel the yearning to decide you can stop therapy. But that's not how motivation works. Action creates motivation, not the reverse. Actions lay the foundation for new ways of thinking and feeling. If you've taken actions in other areas of your life, why is this area so different?

I think your yearning is an unconscious goal (source of motivation): it's the feeling you most often defer to. Whenever this motivation is in any way threatened, even obliquely, you stop any further examination of the resulting feelings by deciding Yes, it is hard. Feelings can be hard. And difficult feelings can be survived and moved beyond, and eventually feelings can be a source of power, but not if they're never tested out by taking action. Your T keeps trying to nudge you in this direction; are you willing to trust her in this?

Thanks, fkm. This area is so different because it's about someone I've become very close to. It's not like painting or throwing out the junk in the house. You know I've done IFS with my T. It's a child part I think, who doesn't want to lose T. It's not a question of trust. It won't be the same without having T to talk to and see each week. I don't know if it's worth going through that pain or just continue as I have been doing. That's why I say I'm conflicted.

Originally Posted by growlycat

I don't fully understand the push from yourself or t to end therapy if you feel you get something out of it. Living life and seeing a t are not mutually exclusive. I believe you can do both. But others here have ts with a similar push you out of the nest philosophy and it seems to work for them.

I don't know if I'm being honest with myself. Liking to be with T can't be the main reason I'm still seeing her. That's crazy and unhealthy. I'm getting a safe person to go to each week, to whom I can tell anything at all. Is that enough? I don't know if I'm deceiving myself or not. I have more things to talk about as I get older. Is that enough reason to stay in therapy?

Originally Posted by unaluna

Are you afraid she is going to be mad at you, and unavailable to you, if you dont have a "official excuse" for not seeing her, like vacation? Does it mean you love her any less, if you dont want to spend the money?

I hope im not spilling the beans here, but i started to feel like my t was just taking up too much of my time and energy. When i had no energy, it was fine - he gave me some! But eventually we grow away. But they are not going to act like mama birds and kick us out of the nest - i think for many of us, we have already been traumatized by a parent who did that to us too soon. Or held on to us for too long. Anyway, they let US make the break this time, however long it takes us. So i think your anxiety about her, is really just your own anxiety. But you probably already knew that.

No, I'm not afraid my T is going to be mad at me if I don't see her. That's what she wants to happen. I bolded your statement about anxiety. I guess so. It's my own anxiety about being devastated if I see her less often. Also, fear that she will die but I know that's irrational. I'd better explain that. I don't want to miss out on any sessions but that doesn't make sense either. If she dies, one more session wouldn't have mattered. I have some weird anxieties, I admit!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

Maybe your T distracts you from feeling painful or uncomfortable feelings? I would focus on that to help determine next steps. Best of luck.

Sorry, your post disappeared when I posted my answers! Maybe. I feel painful and uncomfortable feelings about other things and I tell her, but she herself can be a distraction too.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

No, I'm not afraid my T is going to be mad at me if I don't see her. That's what she wants to happen. I bolded your statement about anxiety. I guess so. It's my own anxiety about being devastated if I see her less often. Also, fear that she will die but I know that's irrational. I'd better explain that. I don't want to miss out on any sessions but that doesn't make sense either. If she dies, one more session wouldn't have mattered. I have some weird anxieties, I admit!

Thats what you THINK she wants to have happen. You think it of your t, because its too terrible to accuse your mother of it. Thats how transference works. If you let go, your mom might not be there when you want to return. Your letting go might make her die. Its a tough job, being a kid.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Thats what you THINK she wants to have happen. You think it of your t, because its too terrible to accuse your mother of it. Thats how transference works. If you let go, your mom might not be there when you want to return. Your letting go might make her die. Its a tough job, being a kid.

Wow, unaluna! I never thought of your interpretation. Very interesting! Thank you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Wow, unaluna! I never thought of your interpretation. Very interesting! Thank you.

I know you love it when i play therapist! Everybody does! sorry not sorry! thanks for being sweet about it

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know if I'm being honest with myself. Liking to be with T can't be the main reason I'm still seeing her. That's crazy and unhealthy. I'm getting a safe person to go to each week, to whom I can tell anything at all. Is that enough? I don't know if I'm deceiving myself or not. I have more things to talk about as I get older. Is that enough reason to stay in therapy?

Having a safe person to talk to each week is a good reason to stay in therapy,I believe.

When I brought up to my T that maybe I should quit because most of my burning emotional issues have been resolved, she asked me why.

I replied that I'm taking a space away from someone who needs it more and my need isn't so intense anymore.

She told me that she still sees a T and that therapy is also good for maintenance.

I imagine I'll see her for the rest of my life.

And for those who might think she wants to keep me for the money, nothing could be further from the truth. We have a shortage of T's in my community and she would earn more from clients who would pay full fee instead of the lesser amount my insurance pays.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Having a safe person to talk to each week is a good reason to stay in therapy,I believe.

When I brought up to my T that maybe I should quit because most of my burning emotional issues have been resolved, she asked me why.

I replied that I'm taking a space away from someone who needs it more and my need isn't so intense anymore.

She told me that she still sees a T and that therapy is also good for maintenance.

I imagine I'll see her for the rest of my life.

And for those who might think she wants to keep me for the money, nothing could be further from the truth. We have a shortage of T's in my community and she would earn more from clients who would pay full fee instead of the lesser amount my insurance pays.

Skysblue, it's always nice to hear from you. Your post was helpful. I am more settled with the idea of staying in therapy than I was when I first posted. Interestingly, this week I not only didn't email but I didn't even think about my T. I'm very busy with family stuff! I don't feel pressure to quit because I'm meeting my goal of not obsessing about my T, and not making my life revolve around her.