[Tbhimscared]

Sorry this is so long!! Thanks if you read it all the way through
So I've been seeing my therapist for almost 8 months now and she's always extremely friendly and seems concerned for me but I've begun to think she's not all that nice. There are some instances that I've been caught off guard and I'm not sure if I'm just taking these the wrong way and everyone's therapist is like this or if mines actually a bad therapist.
1. Without my knowledge she has told my GP about my eating disorder and other things, and has yet to bring it up to me in therapy (it's been several sessions, my GP was the one to tell me and asked my permission to relay something back to her)
2. She's cut sessions short/started late and asks the same questions every time I go as if she doesn't remember certain details. I'm talking more about BIG details not super specific things, things she should be able to remember after all of this time.
3. I don't get the feeling that she validates my thoughts and moods, and says that I need to "white knuckle it" through the harder things. She says she can't do very much or she doesn't know what things would motivate me to feel less depressed/ take care of myself since she isn't me.
4. She hasn't been very encouraging, at least it seems that way. She's said that it's all on me and I have to make the changes. That makes sense to me, but the way she words it brings me down even more.

She's never been angry or anything towards me and says all of these things in a kind tone and often a smile, but I don't get the feeling of support from her especially in comparison to my amazing GP. I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I trust her and if it's worth my time to see her or not

What do you all think about this?

[Moment]

I think you should speak with her about all of this directly and frankly.

Did you give her permission to speak with your GP about you? I think discussing this and your feelings about this is extremely important. Because the privacy and confidentiality of your session is paramount.

I don't know you, or what has led you to therapy. But the therapy experience can be a laboratory to explore your feelings and expectations about others, in case your perceptions are related not so much to your therapist's behavior but rather to your own assumptions based on past experiences.

Your therapist may not be the right fit for you. But maybe the two of you could discuss all this and grow closer. Tell your therapist you are not sure you can trust her. Tell her why. This is all fodder for therapy. If she reacts defensively or can't discuss this and her own potential contributions, that would be red flag to me. But maybe if you just take a risk and be honest about your feelings, she will either develop new ways of interacting with you or share more about her perspective so you can see where she is coming from.

[coolibrarian]

Run! There has to be a better therapist out there for you; she isn't it!

[Lemoncake]

Not everything can be "white knuckled". She doesn't sound very supportive. I would switch if I didn't feel like I could trust her. Not being able to recall basic information would also be a big thing for me. Sometimes though if you have a team working together they will discuss your care, but she should have actually clarified things with you first.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Moment

I think you should speak with her about all of this directly and frankly.

Did you give her permission to speak with your GP about you? I think discussing this and your feelings about this is extremely important. Because the privacy and confidentiality of your session is paramount.

I don't know you, or what has led you to therapy. But the therapy experience can be a laboratory to explore your feelings and expectations about others, in case your perceptions are related not so much to your therapist's behavior but rather to your own assumptions based on past experiences.

Your therapist may not be the right fit for you. But maybe the two of you could discuss all this and grow closer. Tell your therapist you are not sure you can trust her. Tell her why. This is all fodder for therapy. If she reacts defensively or can't discuss this and her own potential contributions, that would be red flag to me. But maybe if you just take a risk and be honest about your feelings, she will either develop new ways of interacting with you or share more about her perspective so you can see where she is coming from.

I see what you mean like it could be good if we worked through these things but I don't know I think once my trust is broken it really can't be mended. She did not tell me that she was going to tell my GP, she only asked me if i had told her (which i hadn't). My GP is super open and straight to the point and has actually given things I talk about a proper diagnosis instead of my therapist giving me no feedback.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Run! There has to be a better therapist out there for you; she isn't it!

The mental health care system here is awful so it's hard to find someone that's good but I'm going to talk to my doctor about this and try to figure out what I can do.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Not everything can be "white knuckled". She doesn't sound very supportive. I would switch if I didn't feel like I could trust her. Not being able to recall basic information would also be a big thing for me. Sometimes though if you have a team working together they will discuss your care, but she should have actually clarified things with you first.

I'm glad she told my GP what she did (eating disorder) but I wish she would've told me before my appointment with my GP so I wasn't so caught off guard. I've been giving my T the benefit of the doubt this whole time but I think it's time to cut her loose. So much of my sessions are taken up with me repeating things I've already said and it seems like it won't get much better

[here today]

She sounds fake and untrustworthy. Glad you've got a good GP you can talk to and figure things out.

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I see what you mean like it could be good if we worked through these things but I don't know I think once my trust is broken it really can't be mended. She did not tell me that she was going to tell my GP, she only asked me if i had told her (which i hadn't). My GP is super open and straight to the point and has actually given things I talk about a proper diagnosis instead of my therapist giving me no feedback.

Listen to your gut feeling. Broken trust is very hard to work through & very, very hard to re establish. You do deserve better I feel. I'd have the conversation with her first, which should give you a chance to decide exactly how you feel.

[Moment]

Yes, broken trust is hard to work through.

But if part of your problem that you're trying to solve in therapy is working through trust issues, you might feel a lack of trust with *everyone.*

Only you can know, based on your relationship with your therapist. But you need to at least speak up about this stuff so it can potentially be mended. If your therapist does stuff that bothers you, and you never say anything....how can someone just walk off without even trying to discuss it? After eight months?

I just know that my therapist and I have had to work through difficulties and moments of lack of connection together. That has proven to be the most therapeutic part of my therapy. If I never brought this stuff up for discussion, we never would have gotten anywhere.

What would happen if you said, "I feel like so many of our sessions are just me repeating stuff I've already said and it seems like it will never get better." Wouldn't that be a useful thing to discuss with your therapist? What if you said, "It really bothered me that you talked to my GP without warning me." She might apologize. She might ask why you didn't bring it up before. It might lead to a useful and revealing conversation where you learn something about her and something about yourself.

I mean, not everyone is a good fit for everyone and some ruptures can't be repaired, but to leave without even trying? I just don't get it...

[ElectricManatee]

A breach of confidentiality is huge. Strict confidentiality is the bedrock upon which therapy lies, and I expect my therapist to adhere to it at all times. It wouldn't matter if she was talking to my doctor or trying to be helpful or whatever. I might talk to her about it, but it's hard to imagine an explanation that would make breaking confidentiality okay, aside from the exceptions provided by law (mandatory reporting of ongoing child abuse, etc). This isn't at all the same thing as a misunderstanding or moment of misattunement or whatever. This is a serious breach of trust and professional ethics, and it would always be in the back of my mind that this therapist thinks it's okay to talk to other people about the things I share in session. I would leave.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by JoBo

Listen to your gut feeling. Broken trust is very hard to work through & very, very hard to re establish. You do deserve better I feel. I'd have the conversation with her first, which should give you a chance to decide exactly how you feel.

I'd like to have the conversation with her but I'm not very good at bringing it up. I was familiar with her before we started therapy and she knows my family and I think I'm more comfortable talking about things with a complete stranger rather than someone I sort of know.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

A breach of confidentiality is huge. Strict confidentiality is the bedrock upon which therapy lies, and I expect my therapist to adhere to it at all times. It wouldn't matter if she was talking to my doctor or trying to be helpful or whatever. I might talk to her about it, but it's hard to imagine an explanation that would make breaking confidentiality okay, aside from the exceptions provided by law (mandatory reporting of ongoing child abuse, etc). This isn't at all the same thing as a misunderstanding or moment of misattunement or whatever. This is a serious breach of trust and professional ethics, and it would always be in the back of my mind that this therapist thinks it's okay to talk to other people about the things I share in session. I would leave.

Exactly! I feel as though there are too many things stacking up against her and honestly no pros besides it's close by and it's public health care so it's free for me. My GP has asked me what she thinks about our sessions and I've had to say I don't know what my T thinks because she doesn't tell me anything. I wish my GP was a therapist because I'm so much more comfortable with her

It doesn't sound like she has anything to offer you, so why go? Working things through is one thing, but working things through with someone who has nothing to offer you is quite another. I personally would only work out conflict with a competent therapist who I liked, respected, and felt confidence in.

That's great you have a great relationship with your GP, and I bet she could refer you to someone. If she doesn't know of anyone in particular, perhaps she can ask her colleagues. I know what it's like finding a decent therapist. Finding a good one is no easy task!

[Anastasia~]

You might want to read your post to her so she knows how you feel and then see how she reacts. Maybe go out and interview other therapists and see if there is someone else that you think will be a better fit.

[Moment]

1. You can ask her what she thinks of your sessions. You can ask her anything
2. Was it truly a break in confidentiality, or did she have your permission to talk to your GP? If she had your permission to talk to the GP, it is not exactly a break in confidentiality. I was uncomfortable with something my pdoc disclosed to a therapist, but I had given them permission to talk, and I talked to both of them later about my discomfort and we worked through it.
3. How does the therapist know your family? I can see being uncomfortable in that situation but it seems like something to be talked about
4. Why have you been seeing someone you see no pros with for eight months? Did you previously find her helpful but no more? Or have you been giving someone the benefit of the doubt for eight months?

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Moment

1. You can ask her what she thinks of your sessions. You can ask her anything
2. Was it truly a break in confidentiality, or did she have your permission to talk to your GP? If she had your permission to talk to the GP, it is not exactly a break in confidentiality. I was uncomfortable with something my pdoc disclosed to a therapist, but I had given them permission to talk, and I talked to both of them later about my discomfort and we worked through it.
3. How does the therapist know your family? I can see being uncomfortable in that situation but it seems like something to be talked about
4. Why have you been seeing someone you see no pros with for eight months? Did you previously find her helpful but no more? Or have you been giving someone the benefit of the doubt for eight months?

No it was a true break of confidentiality, she never mentioned talking to my doctor once with me. She knows my family because she was my sisters therapist and then my parents went in for some sessions with her so she knows everyone.
I've been going for 8 months and trying to see how it works, a lot of sessions have been cancelled or rescheduled and they're mostly every second week plus she went on vacation for 3 weeks so I didn't go for a whole month one time so I've been waiting for things to get better this whole time but it's not and I don't think it will.

[BudFox]

I'd be more bothered by her apparent uselessness and phoniness than the breach of trust.

I see no point in trying "work though" a screwed up therapy relationship. It's like paying to have a bad relationship, then paying some more to work your way out of that.

The rupture might well be a product of the inherent dysfunction of thearpy rather than something real that warrants concerted effort to resolve. For me it was a lot of destructive drama that served no purpose. I realized I did not have to drink the kool-aid.

eta: Relationships are difficult. Cultivating a healthy and enduring one takes commitment. Trying to do so with somone who might well not give a crap about you, and who is not invested in it, and who is getting paid to sit there... pretty sketchy proposition in my view.

[Ididitmyway]

She broke the law when she talked to your GP without your permission. Plain and simple. For me this would be the red line where I wouldn't even consider to work things out with her. In case of breaching confidentiality there is nothing to "work out". Not only would I terminate therapy immediately, but I would also report her to her licensing board. If this was just about her unprofessional behavior like cutting sessions short or starting late and the fact that she doesn't seem to be doing a good job as a therapist, it'd make sense to talk with her and to see if those issues could be resolved. But when the therapist does something illegal, especially when it's a breach of confidentiality, there is nothing for me to discuss with them. I don't understand how it's possible to trust a therapist who communicates information about you to someone without your permission. This very action is a prove that the therapist doesn't respect your privacy and, therefore, untrustworthy. This is just basic common sense and I am grounded enough to see this simple reality for what it is.

[Tbhimscared]

Thanks everyone
Thankfully I go see my GP before my next appointment with my T and I hope she can guide me in a much better direction. I keep going back and forth between trying someone new and ditching this T, or to try to keep working through things because it's a stable "relationship" in my life and it will be a little while until I'll be able to see someone else for therapy and I wouldn't have to retell my entire life story to them. But then again, I oftenhave to repeat things to my T so it might be for the best to simply find someone new and wait it out.