[vander512]

That is the question my therapist asked me.

I can be very cynical at times. I might have been rude. The reason is that I need a lot of help. I was trying to tell my therapist that I am frustrated by the whole experience. It is not easy for me to discuss feelings.

She felt that I was attacking her personally. That is not the case. I was trying to tell her that this low intensity approach of meeting once a week wasn't helping me. I needed something more. Her response was "why do you come to therapy?"

I come to therapy, because I am unable to help myself. I need her assistance. She is actually a very good therapist and I have learned a lot from her. I thought she was very unkind to me when I was trying to be candid with her. She wanted to win the argument by punching me in the gut.

I still need her. Again, she has been a very good therapist, but I am unable to get over this. I know if I bring it up she will dismiss me. Does anyone with clinical experience know why she would say this?

I felt like she was telling me I could quit therapy or I could shut up. That is very unkind. Again, I know her job is not to fix my problems, but I was trying to articulate myself. She encourages this and then when she didn't like what I was saying she shut me up.

I am invested in her. I am afraid if I bring this up she will fire me or hurt me worse. I am extra nice to her, because I am afraid she will try to pull rank on me.

So my question is why does she do this? I think she has been very helpful with me, but the one time I try to express my feelings she shoots me down. Sometimes therapy hurts and that is what I was trying to say. She thought I was trying to be critical of her. I am not sure what to do. I want to continue with her.

Is there a clinical reason for doing this? She doesn't need to kick me while I am down. I already understand that she has things a whole lot together and I do not. Why did she want to win the argument so much that she would threaten me like this. Yes, I mean threaten. She was basically telling me to shut up or move on.

[feileacan]

Did you ask to see her more often and did she reject this idea?

[Shazerac]

May I ask why you thought she felt like you personally attacked her? Did she say that? I don't mean to minimize your frustration at all. However asking why you come to therapy is a valid question. It's good to set goals and have an idea why you are undergoing the process.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by vander512

That is the question my therapist asked me.

This is an extraordinarily valid question in my opinion.

Originally Posted by vander512

I can be very cynical at times. I might have been rude. The reason is that I need a lot of help. I was trying to tell my therapist that I am frustrated by the whole experience. It is not easy for me to discuss feelings.

There have been times that I have been very cynical and rude as well. The reason is never that I need a lot of help. The reason has been because I didn't have the tools to seek what I need without being cynical or rude.

Originally Posted by vander512

She felt that I was attacking her personally.

Did she tell you this directly or did you surmise this because if you responded the way she did you would be attacking someone? Are you projecting your own communication style on to her?

Originally Posted by vander512

I thought she was very unkind to me when I was trying to be candid with her.

Just because I think a thing doesn't make it so.

Originally Posted by vander512

She wanted to win the argument by punching me in the gut.

I'm not suggesting that there aren't some therapists that would do this, but you say that she is very good. If you are right about her being very good, then I'd suggest that it is quite possible that your interpretation of her reaction may have been off base.

Originally Posted by vander512

I know if I bring it up she will dismiss me.

Just because I fear a thing, doesn't make it so.

Originally Posted by vander512

I felt like she was telling me I could quit therapy or I could shut up.

Just because I feel a thing doesn't make it so. I know that I'm repeating myself here, but there is a pattern here. Unless she has told you that you are in danger of being 'fired' unless you start communicating in a way that she deems acceptable that you'll be let go, then you don't know it. Your fears may be justified, I've had therapists who have done this before. I had a mother who has done this before. As a result, I began fearing this from everyone, including those who only had my best interests in mind and would do no such thing.

Originally Posted by vander512

She encourages this and then when she didn't like what I was saying she shut me up.

My therapist has interjected at times when she saw me falling down the rabbit hole of faulty thinking.

Originally Posted by vander512

I am afraid if I bring this up she will fire me or hurt me worse.

I understand fear, but fear of a thing doesn't make the thing true.

Originally Posted by vander512

She thought I was trying to be critical of her.

Again, typically when I think such a thing, it is because if I reacted the way she did, it would because I felt that a person was trying to be critical of me. It doesn't mean that she thought you were being critical of her. Even if she did, it may be that she didn't care that you were trying to be critical of her. It may have even been that she was over-joyed that you were trying to be critical of her.

[quote=vander512;5803020]She doesn't need to kick me while I am down. [quote]

Your feeling kicked doesn't make it so.

Originally Posted by vander512

Why did she want to win the argument so much that she would threaten me like this. Yes, I mean threaten. She was basically telling me to shut up or move on.

I really believe that a heart to heart with her is in order. You may be right on every count, but I get the sense that you are projecting quite a lot on her that is not accurate. And look, if our thinking was always spot on, we probably wouldn't need a therapist in the first place right?

Good luck.

[Moment]

It might have been a sincere question. Like, she might have been wondering what worked for you. If you'd only talked about what *wasn't* working, maybe she wanted you to reflect and articulate what *was* working. Sometimes it is hard for people to express their positive feelings about another person. Especially if you're not used to people saying positive things or that wasn't how you were raised. It is possible that your sense of 'she shut me up" actually is coming from a dynamic you learned in your past.

I also think it's possible that, if you have a history of abandonment, you are interpreting "well then why do you come" as a potential threat, when it might not be intended that way. Once when a therapist and I had a rupture, she said something along the lines of "well, maybe we are just not a good fit. there are other therapists" and I basically fell to pieces because I felt like I was trying to fix our problem and it seemed like she was dropping me and saying, "shut up." That was not what she intended at all, I later learned. She did not realize the effect that her saying that would have on me, how threatening it felt.

I think you should bring this up with her again. Maybe just tell her, "Look, our last session really went off the rails and left me in despair, and I don't think we were communicating well. I worry I was rude and I didn't mean to offend you, I was just really trying to communicate how things were with me so we could work better together" or something. And then articulate several things you do really like and value about her. And then tell her how it made you feel when she said what she said. Try not to be blaming. Assume that her intentions were good operate from the assumption that your communication just went awry and that you both need to try again.

I think you could get through this, if she is a good therapist and will react nondefensively. I basically have been exactly where you are now and me and my therapist got through it.

[SalingerEsme]

I think the T's sometimes get completely out-of-character defensive when they feel questioned by a client with whom they take rapport for granted, and have checked the Therapeutic Alliance box in their heads. It is very weird, bc they are supposed to be masters of communication. My take on it is they spend lots of time wondering and speculating on how good a job they are doing, and overreact to threats.