Abandonment vs. Anger: Civil WAr

You're stronger than you think you are. You're almost there to Wednesday.

Yes, true, it sucks no doubt. I am in unbearable pain and my current attachment figure isn't alarmed by it, isn't going out of his way to make it so I don't have to feel all of this. This is from long ago but feels real today. My hope is that what was a category 5 back then now becomes a lower category, and it has in therapy thus far. However, my emotions feel abandoned by T now. I get it intellectually, but that doesn't matter. So, me making it through this myself seems to compound the problem. I could be not seeing things straight, but this is what I see at the moment. I am not in unbearable pain now, though, so I guess that is progress.
I"m sorry you had to deal with the unbearable pain, it would be nice if we all could just wave a wand and have it disappear.

Yes, the day I finally was able to articulate this made me feel so much better. I can now tell T, I get this is emotional and not necessarily rational, but this is how I feel anyway.

Thank you Lemoncake. I need to look back at my journal and see where this all started. Take care.

To be honest this sounds somewhat sadistic. What helped me was to reframe this kind of distress according to more objective terms, rather than seeing it as part of the "therapeutic process". I called it what it was... emotionally abusive. Helped take a load off my back.

Bud--
I texted him over four times this week (I think twice in one night, or three times). He responded.

Yet it was still excruciating. It continues to feel devastating and hurtful. I continue to be angry (or more or less hurt) at T, whether this is rational or not. Whether I have a right to or not. Whether it makes sense or not. I do feel guilty about feeling this way because he was responsive to my texts, and always is. He does get me in when he can. Like I texted T, "I give up". I don't have the answers, I don't know the why's. I'm tired of constantly having a hurdle to jump over. My thoughts/feelings at this point aren't black and white though, I can see in shades of gray although it is painful. I'm clueless.

Seems like him responding to a few texts is the smallest of sacrifices, given that you seem to be in a crisis state.

I dunno, therapy opens up these longings, then shuts them down, and calls that healing. I found it absolutely horrible.

This does feel like a crisis, although I don't know what started it. I was getting better.


I texted T and asked him what my prognosis is, if he wanted to get rid of me. He said that we would talk through it and figure it out, and no he did not want to get rid of me.

I really feel like something has been triggered (that caused me to ask for another session) but I just don't get it. And even having to wait to talk to him on Wednesday right now seems undo-able. I'm not choosing to feel this way. I don't want to be like this. Whatever this is, it includes physical pain but I can't describe it. I actually feel bad for myself. Working in this state is painful and stressful. I'm not as bad as I was.

If T is trying to get me not to be dependent, this is having the opposite effect. Now I am hyperfocused about seeing T and resolving whatever this is. I was better. Where have I gone? Am I findable or nonexistent?

Hoping things went well on Weds.

I hope you're doing ok.

Thank you all for asking. I ended up scheduling an extra session next week, so I see him on Tues. and Wed. I have been having some intense abandonment fears and am trying to do my best and deal with it on my own, but I'm not doing nearly as well as I would hope. I'm trying to be patient with myself. Scheduling this extra session has helped me escape from the fear so I have been able to go to work and do things at home without constantly focusing on if my T is still going to be okay with me. It has been such a relief. I hope that I can ground myself this week and then go back to once a week. I want to stabilize and hope that happens.