[Mouse_]

I was reading "In session" last night. I've read it before, and it makes me feel upset and angry when I read it because it reminds me that T is a T and nothing more.

Anyway after I posted in the "Going for a drive" thread, I started daydreaming about the questions I said I wanted to ask T, and wondered why do I want to know these things about her?

Then it hit me, if I had the choice of 2 rooms and I was told T was in one, and my Biomother was in the other, I'd run to the one with my Bio-mother, I'd want to ask her what she was like as a child, what makes her cry and the importance of T seemed to dim.

I felt bad coz I've sat wanting T to make me her special client because I've made her my special person, accept no wonder T's have boundaires because they aren't stupid, they know all the love and obsessions we throw at them is really about our first care-takers..

Its like if I can't have my mum to be intimate with then I need someone, almost like a sexual urge that wants satisfying.

All the time I am trying to make the theraputic relationship into something more, I am avoiding desperately mourning the reality of what I never got. I can feel tears trying to fight their way out as I write and think about this, but still I am not ready to let go the fantasy that I will get satisfied, which I will no doubt in therapy, but not in the perfect way it would have been if my bio-mother had stuck around and had been a good enought mother.

I'm longing for that time in the womb, when we were one!

arrgghhh, I wish I could cut the pain and anger and sorrow out of my chest, I can't bear the thought of knowing T will always just be T and the fantasy relationship will be something to be mourned and no more. Oh the pain!

[ECHOES]

((( Mouse )))

[Perna]

It resolves okay; it is not quite the horrible mourning thing you feel it will be at the moment.

I had a dream only a year or two (out of 9) before T and I terminated where I "found out" my mother wasn't dead, she'd been in an institution all my life and I was going to go see her. I woke and stayed angry that all that time had been "wasted" when I could have known her, even though she wouldn't have been able to respond and now would be so old. I was really angry that I'd been lied to and actually felt like the dream was true for a couple days and that she was alive. My longing for my mother was that great.

My T said something weird around 2000, that things would be very different for me, would improve after my stepmother died. I couldn't imagine it but in June of 2001 she did die, I got the call from my stepsister just as I was going out the door to go to T! That was a wonderful coincidence, even more wonderful because it was a Saturday morning and I was making up a session T hadn't been able to get to. The drive to T was horrible because I had to pass 4-5 neighborhoods I'd lived in during my childhood and ALL the memories came back at once and I'm driving 112 kilometers an hour on the highway and crying so I could barely see. But the time with T was a "suspended" time, the only way I can describe it. We were out of time, in a world of our own, and I cried but not wildly, not like I had on the way over, and when I left, everything was "all right." It wasn't anything she said special or anything that happened, it was just the "normalness" of the session, of life going on with me and her in it like we had been. There was a center there that I hadn't been aware of, and in Me, and it wasn't about my mother or stepmother anymore or my past. I was Myself and sure of it. There was a lightness like the ropes tying my hot air balloon self down to the ground had been let go of and I wasn't tethered anymore. Of course, the feeling didn't stay like that and I live happily everafter :-) but the change stayed.

[Soidhonia]

(((MOUSE))). I am sorry that you are suffering. I see in your post that you are trying to remain constant in your need for nurturing from a female role model. I feel that your therapist is very insightful of your needs and treats you Special indeed. I can tell by some of your posts you are really connecting to your therapist in a positve manner to be able to improve and move on in life. I think therapists are like messangers they analyze the need and help to meet the needs of every client. I sincerely feel that your therapist is trying to meet your needs without entrapping you in a fanasy or fantasian expetations, where your needs will not be met in a secure or therapeutic manner. I also feel that your therapist is trying to give you an example of what being nurtured is all about Sharing and Caring and experiencing life in a safe manner nd that is neessary at any age. I know it must seem that she is holdng you back from feeling wanted and you are feeling confused and rejected, but it takes more than 3 months to find a way to peel off the layers of resentment and need that was not administered when you were younger. But I feel that you are improving and you will be left with a better sense of self while attending therapy with the therapist that you have at this time. Dont give up healing is somewhat painful but it is pain and assurance that you can take with you for a lifetime. Take care (((MOUSE))). PM anytime. Soidhonia