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#1
Oct 13, 2007, 01:49 PM
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Yesterday I went to a monthly T apt.
I explained to him that a small crisis occured and it resulted in a cutting and drinking episode.Ive been doing pretty good for the most part,seroquel,a new script has done wonders for my anxiety.In fact it actually felt very "weird"not having anxiety.....its been apart of my life longer than I can remember. Anyway,Ive discovered that cutting and drinking etc has a lot to do with the self defeating,emotionally abusive things I replay in my head over and over and my T dug out why. When I was 13 I got a violent beating from my father(an alcoholic)who snapped when a dress that no longer fit me was flung at him by a neighbor,at his work.He told my dad that I had said the dress was for his daughter because they were charity cases.....this was NOT true.I did it because I knew it would make her happy....I loved that dress. The beating was bad, when I fell from the blows he picked me up for more or kicked me when I dropped to the floor. When I finally ran for my room,I dropped to my knees and in a rage pulled out wad after wad of my long blond hair. It didnt matter to me about the beating....it mattered that my dad thought I could lie ,that he didnt believe me and that everyone thought I was such a terrible,mean person. Hurting on the outside for me is easy. Result.....I cut because Im hurt.....the anger is only a mask. My dad told me I had embarrased him.....made him look bad in the community.SOOOO when I feel embarrased(on a reg basis,some to do with my hypomania)I turn on myself.... This is monumental for me and I wanted to share. Thanks. |
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#2
Oct 13, 2007, 02:06 PM
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wow DR i totaly feel for you first instinct is a huge hug. im glad you got to the root of your anger and cutting. i had a best friend who did that i thought she was trying to kill herself but i was wrong she just wanted to take away the mental pain by causing pysical pain. so i understand in only the way an outsider could . i think we all go through things that alter us as deep down as our souls... sorry for your pain. happy for your breakthrough.-onyx
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#3
Oct 13, 2007, 02:06 PM
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(( dreamrunner ))
I'm so sorry you were hurt like that. And that your dad didn't understand you, know you, believe you. How painful and frustrating!! Thank you for sharing something so important! 
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#4
Oct 13, 2007, 02:14 PM
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dreamrunner, that is an amazing insight. I hurt for you just reading about what your father did. (((hugs))) I hope your realization will help you with your current behavior too. Take care.
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"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
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#5
Oct 13, 2007, 06:25 PM
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What a horrible experience. That's fantastic that you brokethrough. Really fantastic!
Doh |
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#6
Oct 13, 2007, 10:51 PM
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(((((((((((((dreamrunner)))))))))))))))))
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#7
Oct 14, 2007, 08:44 AM
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So glad you had the breakthrough, sorry you had to have the original experience to get it.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#8
Oct 14, 2007, 08:51 AM
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Good Breakthrough!
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#9
Oct 14, 2007, 04:52 PM
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Im still trying to wrap my mind around it all....been tough but I hope it helps me from being so self destructive in the future.
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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