[BlueJeans00]

I have gone through a hell of 18 months
Of therapy that made me worse.
Im trying to get an insight and closure
of what happened and is it normal what
I experienced in a therapy realtionship?

I apologise its long, but I would highly appreciate if I receive a reponse from you.

So here it goes.
I felt what I was experiencing wasn't right in therapy.
I recalled starting therapy mid last year with
A student therapist who was finishing there masters off.

So around Novemeber last year I asked them are they leaving? they said "yes" I asked "why" and my psychothearpist told me "because my wife doesn't like me doing psychotherapy ". I notice he was really sad when he mentioned this, I didn't know what to say. It felt really awkward. The reason I asked is because I already had 4 therapist since I was ten that have left.

Anyway, I recalled at the beginning stages of therapy they told me they were going to build apartments. But in my country it takes a whole YEAR for the council to accept anything, so my psychotherapist decided to stay.
So that event caused a lot of stress.

I knew my psychothearpist will leave but I didn't know when, which was unsettling for me. Especailly someone who experience Borderline Personatily Disorder traits as well I suffer from OCD.
When ever I asked my psychotherapist when I got anxious he was going to" leave" my psychothearpist would tell me he won't leave and said I can go with them and they will give me discount and that there superadvisor agreed I should go with them. They mention to me they like working with people who have borderline personatily disorder. Thats what I was told over and over again until last week.

So this year so around October my psychothearpist and key worker where waiting for my psycharaist to come back from hoilday to decide if its ok for me to go with my psychothearpist since the psychotherapist is leaving the public health system. About 2 weeks ago I believe my psychotheaprist told me they cant see me in one week for what ever reason. I then wrote a letter of things that upsetted me and I thought it needed to be sorted out.
Things such as when he told me I was mainpluativie.
That I should make a funeral for a mum I didn't have.
About November last year he kept telling me he wasn't a good enough therapist to me and that maybe thats how the other therapist felt and my partner. I felt terrible guitly and I ended up self harming myself. Because I felt I was a bad person.
Another example was how there was this person that told me ,they don't want to have kids and I told my psychothearpist this and how it bothered me. And how I don't why it bothered me. My psychothearpist said to me "I don't know either, maybe she reminds you of your mum, maybe your mum shouldnt have had kids"

I also told them I struggle to live at home with my mum and sister and they suggested I should get a tent and camp outside the house.

Also when I went through the love transference.
I told them how I did my own research and its common with people with BPD to look up there therapist online.
My psychothearpist said to me "It was scary" I felt really bad. I didn't mean to scare my therapist and I didn't know what was going on in that time.

Another example they told me they wrote on there notes even if they saw me seven days a week it wouldn't be enough.

In one situation I was telling something to my psychothearpist that was distressing about an incident that happened during the week.
He gave no eye contact and was mainly looking at his hands cleaning his nails.
I asked "Are you bored"? Eventually he told me that he was trying to get me to sit with the emotions, instead of telling stories.
I felt really hurt and dismissed, what I was telling him that was distressing for me was not "stories."

He went on to say that he was "experimenting" which made me feel like a guinea pig.

Thats only a few examples that been said.

I have spoken to my psychothearpist about it before but I never felt it was sloved. He would say things such as "Im human" or "how many times have we gone over this" or "we already spoken about this"
Anyway I gave the letter to my keyworker then they gave it to my psychothearpist.

So , just last week I went to my appointment to see my psychothearpist. My therapist was 15 mins late and then he came in and he put the letter on the table and said "we already spoken about this"
And told me next week will be our last session. I wasnt told advance or knew anything. It was completely a slap on the face. It literally felt a force ending that I wasn't ready for.
I mention to them on the session when they told me next week is the last session. "But you told me that if say you had a year one year of therapy you have a month of the transession and then he said yes we did orangise it and waiting for the psycharaist.

But it never happened, no talking about it. Anything.

I left the session crying in the car and unable to drive home. The fellowing days was
Self harm and my partner ended up ringing my keywoker out of concern I will commint suicide.

I be honsent I never have felt more than determine to end my life since this experience with this psychothearpist. It has affected me so greatly I find it diffcult to even trust another therapist or even approach therapy. I have literally lost my faith in therapy.

I didn't show up the last session.
My psychothearpist rang that day. I called them back since I was out.
They said they were suprised I didn't show up and they brought cake and milk shakes. I mentioned how I didnt go because I was scared I will kill myself.
They said "so you were trying to protect yourself"
I said to them I was under the impression I was going with you to your pirvate practice and I get discount. They told me that still stands. But I never got the details of there pirvate practice.
My psychothearpist told me since beginning of therapy that they were here for 2 years.

(Im thinking but then why did you told me this year that the public health system accept you in this year? And why mentioned the apartments etc. )

They cailm they told me they were going to leave in 3 weeks time. In no way did I recalled them telling me this.

Im good at remembering conversations word by word. Even my partner said if my psychothearpist did said that to me he was staying for 2 years or gonna leave 3 weeks. I would be anxious not knowing what to do.

They kept saying dont you remember? I was under the impression you knew.

I felt so angry and so I told them this which is true "I saw 3 professional psychologist and you know what they told me, you not ready to work in private practice "
I then hang up and never heard from him again.

I have confused feelings. At times I feel sad I never see him again..or I feel guitly cause they brought milk shake and cakes. At times Im angry.
I cry everyday what happened.

I don't know whats wrong with me. When I say walk in the mall I thought I see him but just some other guy.

Whats going on? Any advice or insight ?

[here today]

I am so very sorry you have had this experience and uncertainty with this therapist. From what you have written before it doesn't seem like he is such a good therapist for you but I understand that it's important for you to have somebody, somewhere to rely on.

We have a pretty poor mental health system where I live, too. Different from yours in some ways but poor in it's own way.

From this and your other posts it seems to me like the system is failing you. But when the system has failed me I still have to deal with things, and the system, as it is in order to try to get what I need.

What is it that you want? To see this same therapist at his private practice at a discount or to get another therapist (if that's a possibility)?

Whatever they have done to make things confusing isn't really the important thing it seems to me. It's getting you to a good, reliable therapist or some other kind of help if at all possible.

Do you want to follow this therapist to his private practice? Or get another therapist through the public health system (if that's possible)?

Again, I'm so sorry you've been having this experience. It doesn't sound to me like your key worker has been much help either. How do you feel about him/her?

You said that you have lost your faith in therapy. I have too but for right now that is often all there is for those of us who have "issues". Is there another way to get the help and support you need do you think?

[kecanoe]

That sounds terribly confusing. I am sorry.

After all of that, do you still want to see this therapist? I agree that he has failed you. But I also understand that you may want to stay with him.

I guess at this point, I would agree with what here today wrote. I just wanted to let you know that I feel bad that you have been messed with like this.

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by here today

I am so very sorry you have had this experience and uncertainty with this therapist. From what you have written before it doesn't seem like he is such a good therapist for you but I understand that it's important for you to have somebody, somewhere to rely on.

We have a pretty poor mental health system where I live, too. Different from yours in some ways but poor in it's own way.

From this and your other posts it seems to me like the system is failing you. But when the system has failed me I still have to deal with things, and the system, as it is in order to try to get what I need.

What is it that you want? To see this same therapist at his private practice at a discount or to get another therapist (if that's a possibility)?

Whatever they have done to make things confusing isn't really the important thing it seems to me. It's getting you to a good, reliable therapist or some other kind of help if at all possible.

Do you want to follow this therapist to his private practice? Or get another therapist through the public health system (if that's possible)?

Again, I'm so sorry you've been having this experience. It doesn't sound to me like your key worker has been much help either. How do you feel about him/her?

You said that you have lost your faith in therapy. I have too but for right now that is often all there is for those of us who have "issues". Is there another way to get the help and support you need do you think?

Well apparently they have assigned me to another therpaist. I would.of thought after the dramatic ending of my therapist they be available to talk too.
But unfortunately I didn't hear anything. It took me to end up in my gp doctor distresses and upset to see this therapist before Christmas.

Im actually suprise they didn't thought you know she taking the whole thing really hard, she really needs to talk to someone about this.

I am seeing a art therapist outside the system. Because I need extra support because they can't provide it. Which is pretty sad. But I need help some where, I can't be left alone like a cold potato.

I did original wanted to go with my psychothearpist to pirvate practice , but it felt on that last session they were forcing me to stay at the system.

After the way they've treated me and I reflected on it more than once. I wouldn't go back.