[runlola72]

In the beginning, as in within the first 6 months, I brought up this subject. He indicated that people with backgrounds like mine sometimes need very long term therapy, and that sometimes just a few years are needed. He said he would be in practice another 20 years... Which brings him to his mid-80's! Does he think I'll need him that long?

I thought the span of 2 years to 20 is quite broad, and I still wonder where I'll land. I'm already 2 years in, and can't fathom leaving now. But at what point am I just in therapy because I love him and am attached to him, versus learning skills that translate into real life relationships. I love being attached to him. But he'll never be my parent, I don't get to be a kid again.

I've considered giving myself a time limit of 5 years total which I think is reasonable. He can help me through this career transition and hopefully help me get my marriage back on track. I'm not sure I want to go down the childhood trauma road. So far a huge chunk of what we've worked on is being able to attach to him in a healthy way. I think we are mostly there, though there are hiccups here and there.

Have any of you has the "length of therapy" discussion? I feel antsy not having a definite end point. But then again, knowing an end date was looming would feel awful. Trying to be practical but it's hard.

[ElectricManatee]

She and I talk generally about how we are both confident that I will be ready to leave eventually. I'm not keen to put a timetable on it because I think it will take as long as it takes. I mean, I'm in therapy in part to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I think as long as I am moving forward in my life and seeing positive changes in my thoughts and mood, then therapy is helping and it's okay that I enjoy the time that I spend with my T. At some point I will space out my sessions more. And even if I stop scheduling regular sessions eventually, I know my T will welcome me back as long as she is practicing. So hopefully ending therapy will be a gradual, multi-step thing.

I was always just open to letting it take as long as it took. I knew with the severity of issues I was dealing with, it was quite likely to take a good while. My last therapy stint lasted about a decade -- but I can honestly say I'm done now whereas after my shorter, earlier, therapy ventures, I knew I was not finished, just temporarily managing, and I realized I would have to return to complete the work. I wanted to do more than just manage.

My last therapist (the one I worked with for 10 years), always said that the goal was that I would not need therapy forever. He said it rather tongue-in-cheek -- he wasn't rushing me out -- but he also was seriously emphasizing that his goal for me was to be able to function without him. It took 10 years, but I did finally get there. There were complicating issues along the way that probably made it longer than it would have been otherwise, but whatever the case, I do feel like I finally "graduated" from therapy.

I knew when it was time to finally stop. I simply realized I didn't need the therapist to get me through anymore; I was doing for myself those things he had formerly done for me. In other words, I had internalized those insights and skills we had worked on in session for so long, and I no longer needed him to remind me how to do those things -- I do them pretty automatically now. And when I don't do them automatically, I know how to get myself on track without having to ask him to get them there.

[MrsDuckL]

We have not. Honestly, I’ve been afraid to have that conversation, although I should. When I started therapy I was really paranoid in the beginning that I was limited to a certain timeframe or a certain number of months, even though my therapist said nothing to incidate as such. My therapist has said multiple times it can take a really long time with someone with my trauma background to resolve things. I have told him I’m not going anywhere and not in a hurry to wrap things up anytime soon, which seems to be fine.

It’s funny—I’m hitting the 6 month mark with my therapist and I always thought I couldn’t see myself in therapy longer than 6 months. Now I’m at a point where I feel like I’m just getting started and finally learning to trust and be vulnerable. So I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but I’m ok with that. I’m also stupidedly lucky to have insurance that covers my sessions 100% with no limits, so I feel grateful not limited by finances.

[zoiecat]

I have had the discussion. He always says he does not want to be the kind of therapist where his clients are with him for ten years or more. He says if it is taking that long then he is not doing his job and should be referring someone on. (These are his words, no offense or judgment to anyone who has been in therapy long term)

I have C-PTSD, severe major depression and DID. I asked him once how long he estimates it will take for me to feel normal provided no additional skeletons fall out of the closet. He said he fears more skeletons are in the closet and I said I know that but I am asking a hypothetical based on my issues right now. He of course said he couldn't rightfully answer that question but I pushed him to give me a number. He said more than a year and less than 5 years. So based on reality, I am thinking it will be at least 5 years for me. I pray it does not take that long although I am coming up on one year and see him twice a week. I can't really say I see all that much improvement but he said he does and he sees my trying my hardest so he doesn't think it will take me as long as someone else with the same amount of issues. I hope he is right.

Luckily I am not attached to him and I don't see myself every being attached and staying just because I like him. He knows I don't even want to be seeing him now and how much I hate relying on others. So as soon as I feel good enough, I am out of there.

[Lemoncake]

It took me 25 years to reach absolute rock bottom. I committed to three years, as a minimum.

I've been with current t for 6 years this month. I'm just now arriving at the point of being ready to wrap things up. I'm currently taking a break from therapy (Thursday will be 2 weeks into break) as a trial run for living life without going there. We'll see how it goes... my t is of the "it takes as long as it takes" persuasion and is not trying to rush me out. Just the opposite...

[malika138]

I wonder about this and I wonder if there are those who need long-term support and someone to check in with to ensure life isn't overwhelming.

I've been with this T for 11 years. I've been continually in therapy with different T's for most of my adult life and for a while during elementary school decades ago. For several years I was in the hospital 2-3 times a year so I figure now therapy is helping me stay out of the hospital. But I do wonder about those of us in long-term therapy.

My T usually says the typical stuff that she won't abandon me even though I don't vocalize that concern and never would. And she mentioned that she has no plans to retire anytime soon. I don't feel pressure to be finished. I think I could go 3 weeks without a mini crash without T - maybe longer in the summer. I'll stop rambling now :-)

[LostOnTheTrail]

Coming up on a year with R...longest I have seen any counsellor/therapist. Sometimes that scares me, but she has assured me that she will not desert me, so that helps. We haven't talked about how long I expect to be working with her, but she's in for the long haul, it seems.

[All Is Revealed]

I've been with current T for 3 years. We both know I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that.

I am personally not a big fan of very long term therapy (>5 years) because it often focuses attention on the therapy/therapist/dissecting the past too much and distracts from improving everyday life. For me it was interesting: in the beginning when I started therapy, I was very excited about it and thought I would go for a very long time, even if only as a hobby, given my interest in psychology and self examination. It did not end up being the case for me at all, exactly because I realized that I started to use it as a distraction from really improving my life, even in mind, just thinking about therapy too much while neglecting other things. I think it is a very individual thing though, if one finds it genuinely beneficial, then why not go for years or decades? We could see it the same way as regular visits to the doctor or dentist throughout our lives. First maybe to fix some bigger problem, and then just for maintenance. But when it becomes a dependency that shifts the focus from potentially fulfilling endeavors and relationships outside of therapy, when it becomes obsession, when the T encourages staying in spite of the client's dissatisfaction or feeling that it's been enough just to "work through" yet another perceived issue endlessly, then it is probably overdone.

I also feel that the success of therapy is often measured within the therapy, not where things should truly change in the client's everyday reality, especially with Ts that overly focus on the therapist-client relationship.

[stopdog]

Some I think. Mostly my focus was on how was therapy supposed to help with what I hired her for.

[atisketatasket]

Nope. Not at all. Maybe I look like I’ll bolt if they do.

My psychology textbook claims the greatest benefits of all types of therapy are felt within the first two dozen sessions or so. I would largely agree from my own experience—I made the most advances within that timeframe in terms of tangible life benefits (leaving 2-ex, mostly). Since then, eh, it’s been more about survival and the relationship thing, which, meh, just seems like a way to guarantee continued income to me.

I have heard from a therapist (DBC) that the longer a client stays in therapy the more self-absorbed they become. She didn’t mean selfish so much as navel-gazing—like, oh, look, this happened when I was 3, so it explains X I do now, but then no follow-up action on changing it. Or they talk a lot about how much they’ve changed but in fact they’ve stopped changing and just want to talk about how they’ve changed, like a victory lap.

Of course, this was DBC.

[stopdog]

"the greatest benefits of all types of therapy are felt within the first two dozen sessions or so...'

This was never the case for me - of course, I have not felt a benefit from therapy at all. I found a use but to me that is different.

Runlola, how long a person's therapy will last is really only something that individual can know. It does no good for therapists or other clients to generalize that no therapy should last over X amount of sessions, or months, or years. They can only make that prediction about someone they know specifically, what diagnoses, what issues, what level of functioning, and what goals they have for therapy. To do otherwise is presumptuous really. I've seen people benefit greatly literally from a handful of sessions and never have to return. I've seen others who benefited from long-term therapy.

I think what we have to do as clients is to know what we are using therapy for. What are our goals? What are we using therapy for? Are we seeing improvement, stability, support? Is our therapy focused on the "right" aspects for us as the individuals we are? No one else can really make that assessment for us.

Originally Posted by stopdog

"the greatest benefits of all types of therapy are felt within the first two dozen sessions or so...'

This was never the case for me - of course, I have not felt a benefit from therapy at all. I found a use but to me that is different.

Me either. I saw the most benefit at the end, after many years.

[feileacan]

I'm 4.5 years in. Just few days ago we had a fleeting discussion about this topic. I said that it would take me another 100 years to get to a certain point and I most definitely don't have that much time. The T (ca 70 years old) said that maybe I (meaning me) have 100 years but he definitely doesn't have.

I believe he practices ca 10 more years and I find it likely that I might need that. On the other hand, who knows where I am in 5 years. But I definitely don't expect to finish in a year or two.

I think that many of the issues people go to therapy for are like bad habits that need to be changed/eliminated, that usually takes time and is rarely a linear process. But what can easily happen is that we replace the old habit with therapy and the therapist, and stay driven by that, which is not really resolving the problem fully, more like a form of harm reduction. I think this can be quite difficult to recognize and admit when one registers it as attachment.

[feileacan]

I went to therapy without any concrete issues. I realised that there is something wrong with me so that I don't connect to people at all for some reason. But as I had never had the experience of connecting to people I did not even know what is it that I had been missing out. It first took me several years to even get a descent understanding what my problems are.

I personally don't go to therapy because I'm attached to my therapist. I go because I'm certain that I need to. I want to reach a point where I am able to choose whether I want to connect/relate to people or not. Currently I still don't have this choice. For me, when I think about my therapy sessions/experience I get the image like we are constantly wrestling with something to gain more mental/emotional freedom for me. Often it means that my T has to wrestle with me too. It is hard work.

[junkDNA]

I've been in therapy with my T 7 years and counting. We've never discussed ending

[AllHeart]

I just had a convo about this with my t yesterday. She told me there is no time frame to which therapy must end as long as I find benefit in it.

[SummerTime12]

We’ve never discussed it, but he does say that therapy isn’t meant to be forever, so I’m guessing he wouldn’t want to do too long term. It’s been almost a year, so I should probably ask him if he has a time limit, as I don’t want to feel rushed

[annielovesbacon]

It's never come up with my T... I think for me personally, I would need to see any T for at least two years. I have been seeing current T for a little over a year and I JUST started being able to fully open up. And of course progress and healing can't be made if I am not putting everything on the table. (Naturally I'm moving away next month, just when I've gotten comfortable with my T...)
That said, my goal is not to need therapy long-term. I have a few issues -- substance abuse, eating disorder -- that I do not have a hold on and I need support while I'm working through those. I also was recently diagnosed bipolar 2 and I'd like to be around a therapist long enough that she can see me in different episodes so we can learn together how to work through them. But once I feel secure in recovery, once I feel I understand my disorder better... I would prefer to be on my own and rely on myself to use coping mechanisms T had taught me. I don't want to become dependent on therapy.

[runlola72]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have session in about an hour and want to bring this up at the end. I can appreciate the variety of responses and understand that we all come from different places and have different needs. I also appreciate the honesty from some of you that you'll need to be in therapy a long time, or maybe your whole life. I think I struggle with this possibility in myself, and that's why I get panicky and feel the need to have answers now, when in reality it's probably not going to become clear for me now, particularly in this time of personal/professional flux. T tells me I have, among other things, an avoidant attachments system, so maybe this panicky feeling of being with him too long just comes with the territory.

[DP_2017]

No he just says when I'm ready, that could be ages. Personally I'm planning to end in a few weeks but he doesn't know yet