Therapist giving a little "of themselves"

SilentMelodee · Nov 29, 2017, 01:07 PM

I'm having a hard time with my blank slate t. How do you all feel about t's maybe taking risks/being vulnerable in session? It's like I can't trust her because she is just an...well, empty shell, it feels like. I am having a hard time with this and it is not helping with my therapy. I feel like I need a T who is more willing to let me know something of themselves for me to be more able to trust them. Does anyone else feel this way?

pepper_mint · Nov 29, 2017, 01:28 PM

I feel the same. I think if T would be more open I could be more connected. Because now I feel that I don't know her at all

(I'm in therapy for 1.5 year, twice a week). And it's difficult for me to be open when this relationship is sooo one-sided.

During my last session, T. said (surprisingly) that she feels useless and generally she said more what does she feel when I'm not open and don't talk too much about myself. And it was amazing! Of course, I felt bad that she feels useless because of my problems with talking

but immediately when I've heard this I felt more connected to her. She was a real person with feelings.

After that, I think that for me it gives a lot when T share something about themselves (even if it's not something personal but just feeling related to our relationship or something like that).

stopdog · Nov 29, 2017, 02:31 PM

I never thought that knowing things about the therapist meant that the woman was attuned to me in any way.

ElectricManatee · Nov 29, 2017, 02:45 PM

My T gives a little of herself sometimes, and it is quite useful and helps with the therapeutic relationship and bonding or whatever. I don't know if I think of it as vulnerability though, particularly because I don't think she would talk about stuff that she hasn't fully dealt with emotionally. I think the things she shares are things intended to help me, either because I have expressed a desire to know or because she wants me to feel more connected to her (which I generally welcome). The downside is that occasionally things she shares bother me quite unexpectedly. I think it's better when she errs on the side of caution, but I don't know that I could be doing the work I'm doing if she wasn't willing/able to be herself in therapy.

MrsDuckL · Nov 29, 2017, 02:57 PM

Yeah, this would bother me too. I’ve never had a “blank slate” therapist, but from what I know about the concept, I can’t say it would be my cup of tea. My two cents, I don’t view my therapist’s self-disclosure as a way of him taking risks or being vulnerable though—I view it more in context of getting to know another person and helping to facilitate a therapeutic relationship. My therapist self discloses when asked, and knowing our sons are close in age, we’re both from the east coast, etc helps me develop fondness and trust. I can’t say I know of any of his personal struggles though (except of a few struggles I assume he’s dealt with), as his self disclosure is usually more general in nature. To me, viewing the therapist as a genuine and honest person through getting to know them helps facilitate my own therapy...I like having a decent knowledge of the person I’m being so vunerable with myself.

Out There · Nov 29, 2017, 06:46 PM

We all need connection and maybe a blank slate / empty shell T doesn't provide that. Extending themselves a little helps provide it IMO.

Nov 29, 2017, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilentMelodee

I'm having a hard time with my blank slate t. How do you all feel about t's maybe taking risks/being vulnerable in session? It's like I can't trust her because she is just an...well, empty shell, it feels like. I am having a hard time with this and it is not helping with my therapy. I feel like I need a T who is more willing to let me know something of themselves for me to be more able to trust them. Does anyone else feel this way?

Some therapists initiate a piece of their life to give a client insight and make them feel more comfortable. It's a valuable lesson for relationship building.
I think you can ask your therapist about such information, and if they ask why, tell them your reason.

DP_2017 · Nov 29, 2017, 09:52 PM

Mine is very open, probably too open.... and I love it in the comfort/trust sense but It also has made me feel insanely attached..... I sometimes wish I had a blank slate T but I don't think I'd of lasted long either

zoiecat · Nov 30, 2017, 02:19 AM

For me a therapist self-disclosing does not necessarily correlate with trust. My therapist discloses very little about himself but even the things that he has disclosed I wonder if they're true or not.

Trust for me is derived more from the way he response and treats me. If he is accepting of the things I tell him and shows that to me through his words and actions then I feel safe too share more things. Sometimes I have felt judgement from him and this impacts my ability to share more specially things that involve shame. Unless my therapist is going to self-disclose some very shameful things from his past I doubt anything he tells me about his life is going to make it any easier for me to talk about my issues.

I do usually feel though that my therapist does give of himself he doesn't need to be vulnerable but I feel his giving of himself when he expresses unconditional empathy. I guess what makes these times more important to me is the fact that sometimes he does show a human side and I feel his frustration and non-acceptance of me. I'm sure this is not his intention but it's what I feel from what he's giving out. That's okay though because those instances are rare and it makes the times he is showing understanding of my pain that much more valuable and real to me.

annielovesbacon · Nov 30, 2017, 03:15 AM

My T is also pretty blank slate, which I struggled with at first. But I have gotten past my transference (it took like a year) and now I see that for me, if T gave me more info on her life it probably wouldn't help me. However, every so often she will drop a little piece of info in passing, usually because it's related to our conversation -- stuff like a previous job, or something her friend said to her -- and I like that. It doesn't make the session about her rather than about me, and I like seeing those little tidbits of her life. I think if she told me more, I would want more and then it would fuel my transference and focus therapy on how I feel about her rather than about myself.

AllHeart · Nov 30, 2017, 10:29 AM

My t self discloses minimally. It bothers me sometimes but I remind myself that the more self disclosures, the more I’ll be prone to transference or emotional dependency. I know the relationship is important so it gets confusing When it’s so one-sided. I do think a little self disclosure (not vulnerability) is necessary for a lot of people though. It would be difficult to be vulnerable with an “empty shell” of a therapist.

Without really knowing much about my t, i am learning to trust her by her actions and what I see and feel to be true. I know she genuinely cares about me as a human yet holds that care within a safe therapeutic boundary for my sake. That’s what I need. May not always be what I want (cuz admittedly, sometimes I do want that intimate personal two-way relationshipthat I know is unrealistic and harmful) but its not what I need from my therapist.

Have you ever mentioned to your t that her blank slateness impedes your therapy? If not, maybe bring it up to her and find out if she’s willing to be a little more open, and/or why she uses that approach. If what she’s doing doesn’t truly benefit you, can you look for another therapist that will better match your needs?

SilentMelodee · Nov 30, 2017, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AllHeart

My t self discloses minimally. It bothers me sometimes but I remind myself that the more self disclosures, the more I’ll be prone to transference or emotional dependency. I know the relationship is important so it gets confusing When it’s so one-sided. I do think a little self disclosure (not vulnerability) is necessary for a lot of people though. It would be difficult to be vulnerable with an “empty shell” of a therapist.

Without really knowing much about my t, i am learning to trust her by her actions and what I see and feel to be true. I know she genuinely cares about me as a human yet holds that care within a safe therapeutic boundary for my sake. That’s what I need. May not always be what I want (cuz admittedly, sometimes I do want that intimate personal two-way relationshipthat I know is unrealistic and harmful) but its not what I need from my therapist.

Have you ever mentioned to your t that her blank slateness impedes your therapy? If not, maybe bring it up to her and find out if she’s willing to be a little more open, and/or why she uses that approach. If what she’s doing doesn’t truly benefit you, can you look for another therapist that will better match your needs?

I have always been too afraid to ask...or bring that up. I am seeing my t this morning, so maybe after reading all of these posts I'll be able to bring it up.