T got very frustrated with me/yelled at me...but for good reason...

*trigger warning* (mentions of self-harm)

Well today I finally frustrated the T that I’ve now been seeing for the last 4 months to the point where she actually straight up just screamed at me. But not in like a bad way, I guess, and she didn’t just leave it at that so I’m pretty much okay with it but I’m still ruminating on it a lot so this is me venting/asking if anyone has had a similar experience.

It was toward what was supposed to be the end of our session and T had been trying to give me advice and help all session but I was being my usual willful self and kept coming up with excuses, saying that the DBT skills don’t work, etc...And then we brought up the real topic of interest...the fact that I relapsed for self harm yesterday after 4 months clean. The thing is I had made the tools for cutting weeks prior and then had been very willful when she told me to throw them out and kept coming up for excuses as to why I had to keep them. She told me she wasn’t surprised I cut and then asked if I threw out the blades and I said no I still want to do it more. She started going at me at that point and things started to build...she told me “well that’s fine, keep them, go ahead, do it again and risk throwing your whole future away. I’m not here to stop you. You have your own autonomy.” And in my cognitive distortion ways I took that to mean that she didn’t care about me and got very irritated with her and then several other exchanges happened and she said that it seemed like I was amused that she was getting frustrated at me. That’s something that bothered me because I certainly didn’t feel amused but now I’m worried about what my facial expressions are telling other people. Anyway, then I said something like that she doesn’t care about me and she lost it on me. Raised her voice and started yelling at me about my behavior and that she couldn’t help me if I’m not willing to help myself, etc.. At one point I tried interrupting and she told me no and kept going. I was honestly pretty scared and upset at that point and slumped back in my chair and started to cry. At that point she lightened up on me and then we talked more about everything and came to a more mutual understanding and I apologized and then we talked about what her yelling at me made me feel like a little bit, and she said that the reason she yelled at me is because she cares about me so deeply and doesn’t want to see me self-sabatoge like I have been doing a lot of lately. She said that she’s very invested in me and that no matter how hard I try to push her away it’s not going to happen, she’s not going to give up on me like some of my previous T’s have and many people in my life have. I guess I have a decent amount of abandonment trauma and so I’m very scared of feeling close to her so I’ve been doing a lot to push her away recently. My last T really messed me up with regards to my abandonment issues.

Anyway, I’m just really glad that we did come to a mutual understanding at the end. She was able to show me that even though we had conflict and we both got mad at each other, that everything is still okay between us and that she’s still there for me. I think that was really important for me to see. I think overall, even though this wasn’t the most pleasant experience, it was a very odd way for me to make very significant progress in therapy/our therapeutic alliance. I oddly feel like I trust her more now. And let’s just say there has never been a session leaving me feel more emotionally and physically exhausted in my life. Definitely needed a nap after this one.

I’ve ranted enough now haha...curious to hear what others have to say on the topic of T’s yelling/getting angry!

It's good that it worked out for you (at least, it sounds like it did). I don't think there's any place for that kind of outburst and it can go really badly if not resolved. My therapist got angry about a safety issue a couple months ago (not yelling like yours, but she was pretty harsh) and I don't think I have ever quite been okay with that.

I don't think it's appropriate for a T to get angry and certainly not to yell at a client. The way your T behaved would not be okay with me at all. It makes me feel quite sad to read about it, and to see that you seem to be blaming yourself for it and excusing her behaviour.

oh dear. that seems a bit over the top to have your T yelling at you. my T has never gotten frustrated or angry at me with SH stuff. ever. she wants me to be safe, and obviously not do it, but also is kind and compassionate as well. i am a VERY stubborn client, and 99% of the time tell her no to stuff. she has never turned that against me, and goes "okay," and lets it drop.

i once apologized for being so stubborn and always telling her no and she said "all that means is that i haven't said anything that resonates with you and that is okay." lol. that is a really nice spin on my extreme stubbornness.

your t sounds too invested in your well-being, letting it affect her emotions, emotions that should not be spilling out in sessions with you.

I think the most important thing is that you now feel ok about it. You were there, you know the relationship, you saw Ts face.

I also have the fear of abandonment thing, and I can see that it would be useful to have the realization that even if T is mad/frustrated that she won't abandon you.

To me, a T yelling like like wouldn’t be ok, but I don’t know your situation so I can’t say anything for certain. I feel like when I’m struggling to let go of a behavior like self harm, eating disorder, etc., my T is supposed to be the one person I can talk to about that without him getting mad at me. It’s really important for me to be able to tell him those things without judgment because I can’t talk about that with my loved ones and expect them not to get upset.

I don’t wanna give my T a bad rap 😅. She’s pretty compassionate and when I first told her I cut over the phone she was very reassuring and compassionate. She was just very frustrated with me that I was self destructing so bad (self-harming could make it harder for me to return to medical school from my leave of absence...I also stopped taking my meds and she knows this so that’s part of all of this, too...). And really she was actually frustrated that I turned it back on her and told her that she didn’t care about me when the reality is very different.
It’s also worth noting that it’s not a typical therapy relationship because I’m in an outpatient day treatment program with her and have classes with her and everything in addition to sessions. So I know about her personality a little bit and know that this isn’t personal and that she has a reputation among her clients as a very tough therapist, but also a very, very good one.
Yes the yelling bothered me a lot at first, but also when I talked about it with her it made me feel better. At least it made me feel cared about (as weird as that may be).
I do agree with many of you though, if any other therapist had ever yelled at me like that I probably would’ve had a complete mental breakdown...😅

Such a thing would never work for me, but if you found it useful then good. For me, they do not get to have a stake in my life - what I do or do not do is not up to them nor do they get to take it personally

I absolutely would not take it well if my T yelled at me. Even if my T yelled because she cares about me, I would be concerned that she couldn't keep her emotions in check while in session.
But, of course that's me, I don't know what your exact situation was like. It sounds like it worked out OK, I hope that's true. Try not to blame yourself for her yelling, or if you ever feel like she yells at you unfairly, make sure you stand up for yourself!
I'm glad you were able to talk about how her yelling made you feel. Hopefully all is well between you two