[peaches100]

We all know that vacations are important for everyone, including t's. But when do the frequency of t vacations become irresponsible? Or do they?

To me, it seems reasonable for a t to take a couple of vacations per year (up to 2 weeks each time). But how about more than that?

Within a 6-month period, my t has planned two 1-week-long trips to Oregon, a 2-week cruise, and a 2-week trip to Hawaii. She has already taken 3 of the 4 trips. This has also coincided with our having had a serious rift between us that is not entirely repaired.

I feel like her trips are becoming excessive, and I feel angry. However, I don't feel like I should say anything because she is already past retirement age, and her husband recently retired. She only works 3 days per week as it is. I feel that if I make a big deal out of it, she may just retire entirely, and then I won't have ANY sessions anymore. I am not ready for that!

Should I just keep quiet and deal with my discomfort myself?

I'm at a place in therapy where I can manage to miss a session once a month (which is what it usually amounts to). Also, I can have two sessions the week before she leaves if I want to, although I don't think that arrangement is a good idea on a continuous basis.

I guess my anger isn't based on my perception that I can't tolerate missing a session every once in awhile...it's more a feeling that my t is being irresponsible toward her clients (including me) by being gone so often.

Those of you who have read my threads recently about the problems with my t will recall that our rift was about her not being around (or available) in previous times of crisis. Obviously, her taking more frequent vacations will make her even less accessible should I need her support outside sessions.

On the other hand, I've been working to distance myself from my t emotionally, enough that I no longer feel the need to contact her between sessions. So I think that has lessened my feelings of connection with her or my need for closeness or help.

Also, because she hasn't been very reliable in the past for support when I've needed it, I most likely would never contact her anyway if a crisis arose while she was gone. I would deal with it some other way.

Still, it has been hard for me to take these steps back from her...very hard. I'm trying so much to be independent and responsible, but I already have struggled to stop emailing. Why do I have to now also struggle with missing sessions so often?

I think it ticks me off too a bit that my t discouraged me from finding a different therapist recently. If she wants to keep working with me and sincerely wants to help me, why do I feel like she's been putting her needs ahead of mine so much lately? Is it just me? Am I expecting too much?

Advice, anybody?

Peaches

[stopdog]

I would start trying out some new ones regardless of what the one you see know thinks or wants you to do. One has to take care of themselves, not feed a therapists desire to be wanted.

[feileacan]

To add a point of comparison: my T takes off 5-6 weeks (usually 6) every summer and 1-2 weeks (usually 2) around Christmas time + official state holidays. I find that reasonable.

In your case I think there are several distinct and different sides that to my mind should be processed slightly separately.

1) Your feelings about her absences are very normal and they should be welcomed in your therapy session - even the most angry feelings. I think that if my T should start taking many small vacations more frequently that would upset me too because it just disrupts the normal flow of therapy work. I don't think you should keep quiet and deal with the discomfort by yourself.

2) However, even if you bring your anger into the sessions, she still has every right to choose her schedule. She shouldn't defend herself and should accept all your feelings. However, even if she does that it doesn't mean that she has to obey you and start taking less holidays just because you don't like it. It is her life and her practice and she has full right to run it as she likes.

3) At the same time, if her way of working is not suitable for you, you have no obligations to keep seeing her. You have your own needs and if you need someone who doesn't take that much time off then that's what you need. If she can't provide you the service you need that you have every right to stop seeing her and find someone else who is more suited for your needs.

Anyway, I think the best course of action would not be to suppress anything but talk about everything openly and honestly. Mostly because you need to figure out whether she can offer you what you need or not.

[ElectricManatee]

It seems like your T maybe isn't as engaged with her work as you would like her to be. Maybe she used to be more engaged but now she is transitioning to retirement. Or maybe she thinks part-time work only requires part-time attention. Whatever the reason, it sounds like you aren't really getting what you need from her.

I think the situation is unfortunate, particularly if you don't feel like she is being supportive enough about the breaks and if you don't feel like you can broach the subject with her. My advice would be to try out some other T's and see how that goes. Maybe you can schedule those appointments ahead of time for the weeks when you know your T is out of town. You don't have to make any decisions now, but maybe this will help you get into a therapy situation where you aren't constantly questioning your relationship with your T. That seems like a necessary ingredient of good therapy to me.

[Myrto]

I think your only option is to find another therapist. Let's be honest: your therapist is never going to cut back on her vacation because you or some other client complain. She is past retirement age as you say and I don't think it's realistic to expect her to suddenly decide to take less holidays just because you asked her. On the other hand, you clearly need a therapist who is more available, which is perfectly fine. I think it's pointless to talk to her because like I said, the situation remains the same: you want her to be more available that she is willing to be. Personally, I don't think 1 month and a half of vacation in a 6-month time period is unreasonable. It's actually the amount of vacation most therapists in my country take. But since you need someone more available, this therapist no longer seems like a good fit.

[peaches100]

I appreciate hearing your different perspectives, as well as how often your t's take vacations. It makes me think that I should probably work at accepting her more frequent vacations, rather than seeking out additional support from someone else. I have been in therapy a lot of years, so maybe this situation is actually best for me, even if it doesn't feel like it. Soon enough, my t will decide to retire. By then, I will have had to reach a point where I am ready to end therapy. Beginning to space them out now, regardless of how painful it is, could end up being a blessing in disguise 1 year or so down the road.

[Amyjay]

My ex therapist also took a lot of vacation time. A ton of it. Even in the countdown to her leaving her practice, after having several vacations already during the year and when I thought we had only 4 sessions left, she sprung it on me that she had decided to go on another vacation for two of those weeks and we would only have 2 more sessions!
There isn't really much you can do about it except explain how it is hard for you. But that doesn't obligate them to change anything about it. They are not responsible for us, and their own lives take priority over ours, which is just how it should be.

[satsuma]

On the one hand I think it's really important to take holidays, and so it makes me happy that my T takes holidays. I think he is modelling good self care, healthy self esteem and things like that. Also it reassures me that he's not going to burn out and he will be able to handle what I throw at him!

But on the other hand I do see your point and if a lot of sessions are missed then that would seem irresponsible as well as uncaring on the T's part.

My personal opinion is that twice a year is an absolute minimum as far as taking a holiday goes (and I know not everyone can afford to go away every time, but I mean taking a break and relaxing from work). I think I prefer my T to take 3 or 4 holidays a year. I think it's generally a healthy thing and also I think being a T can be very demanding emotionally and so holidays are very important.

[kecanoe]

For me, that would be way too many vacation days. I have been fortunate, I guess, to have Ts who take off 2 or maybe 3 weeks a year.

With that said, it seems unlikely that your T is going to change things.

I am sorry you are in a place where you have to choose to either put up with something you don't like or find a new T. That pretty much sucks.

[fille_folle]

This thread has me scared how much time my new T might take off. My longtime T usually only took off a week in the summer and a week for Christmas. However, she also only works Monday through Thursday, so maybe that makes it easier to take less vacation time. New T was away for two weeks around Thanksgiving, but part of that was due to a conference. She told me she'll come back a day or two after Christmas. I don't think I would like it if she was off 25% of the time like your T. That seems excessive - and I'm very careful not to be needy (I don't call her between sessions, she hasn't offered text or email, and I haven't demanded that). If she went on as many vacations as yours, I would live in constant dread that she'd tell me she was going away at each appointment. I would never convey my distress, but I would not be happy.

I think your T is taking this time off as she transitions to retirement, not for self care. I mean, she's only working 3 days a week. Self care isn't the issue. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too, in my opinion, and I don't think you should feel bad looking elsewhere if her change in lifestyle is negatively affecting you.

[Pennster]

That would be too much vacation for me. One thing to consider with these responses is that there are big cultural differences in how much holiday time people get. Europeans generally get a minimum of four weeks off, and frequently more than that. When I lived in a European country I had eight weeks off.

Whereas Americans generally get two or three weeks. I loved having a lot of vacation time, but now that I am in the US I would regard 6 weeks off in 6 months as excessive for a therapist. Continuity is very important to me, and I'm glad my therapist prioritizes it as well.

[fille_folle]

Yeah, agree with pennster. In my experience here in the US, two weeks is the standard time off per year. So 1.5 months is quite a lot.