Couch 159: Aemilia, a Couch on the Asteroid Belt

Tis the season for desserts, apparently. I'm making some fat free cheesecake pudding. I've had a migraine all day, but it's the worst one I've had in a long time. Ocular symptoms, which normally I don't have. Listening to HGTV whilst trying to keep my eyes closed.

I might try making a pumpkin can plus sugar free chocolate cake mix - those are the only ingredients - cake. But i have to clean the kitchen first!

No one looks at their best dead.

I am baking a chocolate cheesecake. And may open another bottle of wine.

I feel like I have wronged t somehow in my realizations of yesterday and today.

I listened to a portion of my session from last week. According to a comment my therapist made, I rolled my eyes when I gave her a gift. It's weird because I think what was going on was more bracing myself for what she would say about the gift. Now I know that looks like eye rolling on the outside.

You gave her a gift while rolling your eyes at.....the gift? Her? Both?

Now I'm super curious (and you totally don't need to share of course) -- what was the gift?

Wronged her how? (If it's okay to ask.)

(((Artie))) have you ever just said, im mad we cant be friends? I apologize if youve covered this topic before. But it sounds to me like thats what she might have meant you were getting back at her for?

I cant really relate to this issue - im like, on the one hand, i still tell my t i plan on being his next wife. Otoh, we are so "jack spratt and his wife" incompatible that its ridiculous. So the being friends with t issue kind of resolved itself for me - the fantasy is intact, but the reality is sooooo busted. But i can live with that.

I dunno, Art -- I am very likely being an arse but I do think there's some merit to the cliche that one of the marks of a good therapy relationship would be the way the ending happens.

To me, from all that you've posted (not just now but over all the time I've read your posts), it doesn't sound as if an anything like an ending is really being worked out in your therapy.

It keeps sounding like a break-up where you can't quit each other and keep going back for yet another shot at it -- I'm not sure how much therapy goes on in that sort of a setup, as opposed to just a general (non-therapy) relationship?

I don't know what the resolution to that sort of a thing is because one or both parties needs to change -- when I couldn't work it out with former T, I finally decided to quit because it was clear that neither of us would budge. I'd have quit even if I hadn't found another therapist because it was super clear that there was really nothing of value to be had any more.

If the feeling of wronging is coming from a sense of leaving a relationship, then sure, that's par for the course. But, if it's just coming from going through a -- what to me at least, sounds like anything but a good -- therapy ending, then that would really bother me. Because, this is the sort of stuff that really is the meat of what therapy is supposed to help resolve / put an end to etc.

(Deleted)

Sorry, realized it wasn't very supportive.

omgosh this cheesecake is divine...

I don't know. It's just a feeling. It's like, I feel something like guilt? Maybe it's because when I told her I'd been thinking about not coming back, but that I respected her too much to disappear on her, she asked me if that was coming from a place of like getting back at her for something. Something like that. I said no! It wasn't like that at all. That it was more, that I knew it would be easier than coming here again and saying I wasn't coming back. But later I started feeling a little hurt by her question. I dunno. I posted it here in case anybody had any ideas where that might come from.

eta: maybe I'm just channeling my sadness at leaving her into a bunch of other things in an attempt not to feel it?