Emailed T that I found her bf

My former therapist was trained to be more of a blank slate kind of doctor but as it happened I was in a position to know a lot about his family life. He loosened up some and I kept away from his personal life pretty much. That worked out.

But if I were your therapist, having read all your most recent posts, I would definitely just tell you anything you asked that could be in any way at all public. It seems to be an ongoing issue and she's not "winning"; she's just making you feel guilty. I think it's her responsibility to put an end to unnecessary conflicts so you can concentrate on more productive things. This particular thing has been hashed out well past its usefulness, if it ever had any.

You're probably right, but if she would just TELL me, I wouldn't spend time on her life. But I have NOT spent much time on HER life lately at all/ I have enough of my own problems to spend time on.

I emailed to T how I felt, but she probably won't want to spend time on it unless I bring it up. In fact, she rarely brings up anything I email about unless I do.

Thank you. I agree.

I wouldn't look at other people's desk, phone or computer either. My T has said it doesn't bother her if I Google, but that it's not good for ME. Yet she chooses not to tell me things that she doesn't want to. I promised myself I wouldn't do it; I'm not sure if I promised T.

I'm not sure it's guilt; some other posters had a different idea, and I think they are on track. There is the fact that I usually email T about my session right away, or the next day, so it's not that odd except that I couldn't email about the session without including what I did.

It's interesting because I can't remember how conflicts were handled in my family. Not as a kid. I know I was dependent on my mother, so I kind of did what she wanted. My Dad too. When I was away from home in college and I did what I wanted. I do remember my Mom getting involved with telling a guy I dated a couple of times, that it wasn't good because he was a different religion. That was during vacation, though. I didn't want too much as a child, but if I asked for something, I usually got it. My brother and I fought. He was bigger and stronger so he usually won, and got his way. He taught me to write and to play monopoly and card games. I don't remember conflicts. If I complained about him hitting me maybe he got punished. In those days, it was with my father's belt, but I think it was mostly threatened, not carried out. I'm trying to think as I write but I can't think of what I wanted as a kid.

Thanks, cl. Maybe that's why I'm so curious too.

Thanks! I'd like to be a fly on the wall in T's house for a day so I could observe her. I don't want to that with my friends because I know what they do, at least some of the time. Well, T is in her office most of the time, and I DO know what she does there, LOL!!

Thanks!

I think I do it to feel closer to her, and to make our relationship more real. Actually to make me feel like more a part of her life. Now I know about her bf so I feel "in the know" as you put it. I'm not sure if it's to make her more vulnerable to me, but maybe. I tell her also because she will know when she looks at me if I don't. I have a guilty look when I "look her up." She's good at that. I like knowing these details about her life. Bottom line, I don't want her to be "just my T", I suppose. Knowing more about her gives me a false sense that we are friends, maybe. I'm guessing. I don't like the therapy set-up. I love the intimacy but want it to be real, so I'm forever a little bit frustrated.

Well, I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in about a month so I just wrote that because it came to me. I probably wouldn't feel "so be it". I'd be devastated and probably angry with her too. I wish I remembered more about how my parents handled conflict! I must have been disobedient sometime. All I can remember is once I climbed the fence in my yard with a neighbor boy. We were 6 I think. I got my skirt caught on the fence and almost hurt myself. I think my mother had said not to climb the fence but that's about it. My childhood was pretty dull! I forgot: how is handling conflict supposed to related to my relationship with my T? You mean I ask something and I don't get it, so I snoop around for it? I did that when I was embarrassed to ask my mother stuff, but that wasn't a conflict.

Hey, Wonderfalls. I'd appreciate if you'd tell my T what you wrote! But I haven't asked her much lately. I asked her about her bf last year; and I asked about her daughter's wedding. That's about it. T and I have not discussed her stuff much at all. I'm not sure why it seems like it on here. I've got more important things to work on.

"Being embarrassed to ask your mother stuff, so you had to snoop around." Yeah, thats not conflict, but it doesnt show that you felt unconditional positive regard and free to be you, either? This reminds me of when you were practicing saying words with your t? Both are looking for acceptance?

I was inhibited, shy, and self-conscious. I think that was genetic mostly.

The client-T relationship is a very intense one, and I guess we all deal with some things.

I'd like to know as much as I can. However, I do respect my T's boundaries out of respect. On the other hand, when I ask her something personal, she gives me an answer and has never said, nope, not gonna tell you, even though I always tell her that, hey, if I'm too personal, tell me.

Your fear of being left out may be something you have to work through in therapy, because in RL, people may feel pushed away by your not accepting boundaries. everyone has them for a reason. Since you're quite honest with your T, she may be able to help you through.

I was just thinking about what I found out. I like Ts partner! He has a nice smile that matches hers. I am very glad she found someone so suitable. I'm happy for her and sad for me at the same time.

Yes, seeing him makes me feel closer to my T. She's never been "like my accountant" to me. She and I have a special relationship. I feel warm inside for her. How can that be wrong?

Oh, geez, I'd take my T home with me and keep her if I could. Wrong or not. But I don't think any of these feelings are wrong. They're ours, and even if they're not, well, let's say common, or made for the long run, they are telling us something if we listen. Maybe we need to change them eventually, but there will be a time for that.

You feel she should share this Information and it makes you feel good. But she doesn't feel that way. She doesn't want to share it with you. I think the "wrong" feeling comes from that

Do you have a special relationship or is this something you feel because you got the info you want. I wonder how much of this is 2 sided and how much is just in what you feel.

Also about your first point unless I missed something I thought you "accidentally " found his name not his picture

You say you have a special relationship with the therapist but you don't respect her wishes about herself. I don't see that as being a special relationship or even a respectful one. I expect people I know and love and who claim to know and love me, to respect my privacy and my right to tell them no. I don't feel compelled to answer every question from my partner or friends or family nor do I expect them to tell me everything all the time. I would feel greatly disrespected if they did not honor my privacy and autonomy. And it certainly would not make me feel closer/loved by/respected etc to the person who could not respect my wishes about things that had absolutely nothing to with them. I expect people I have real relationships with to understand that I am separate from them and they don't get to run roughshod over me because of their desires that deny my own.

I had just wrote something similar to post, but stopdog expressed it so much better than I could have.

That is such a good point. Such a good point. Like my aunts bugging me about the holidays - "have you talked to your brother?!". I dont know about him, but i am absolutely sick to death of being run roughshod upon, of having to show up just to satisfy someone else's expectations. I hardly know what my own desires are.

Maybe that is why it is so easy to appropriate parts of our t's life as our own. As we were raised without boundaries, we hardly register their objections, just as our objections were ignored. I outright lied to the priest about my plans for birth control - what was the point of marrying a Catholic? Yet my parents would have disowned me before i married outside my religion.

You're probably correct. But I think T is giving me mixed messages, and so are some of you. Many say it's okay to Google because everyone expects that nowadays, and even my T says so! Then how can it be okay but at the same time wrong?

My T is more willing to express love than most Ts. She's more open and out-of-the-box. She probably is that way with everyone, but she and I have more in common than she has with other clients. I think her strong point is that she doesn't act "therapisty". But I'm sure a lot is what I feel, and it's because of my needs. I found his last name. You would have to tie me down to get me not to Google it. I was curious! T wasn't angry when I saw a photo of her mother online. It happens that her bf has a lot of professional information online. I didn't go snooping for anything personal.

You're absolutely right, Sd. I have a problem with close relatives not telling me things, too. I'm just the opposite, and it hurts me when they don't tell me. I know people have that right, and they're not deliberately trying to hurt me, but it feels like I'm being shut out. T and I have talked about boundaries before but it seems like we'd better do it again. But I still don't understand why most people say, including my T, that it's okay to Google her. Or maybe it's that I googled HIS name?

So maybe she won't like it after all. She didn't email back yet and I don't see her for 2 weeks. I always had a problem being a separate person. That is where borderline comes from, isn't it? T didn't want to tell me and I stopped searching about 2 years ago but triggered by her words "I'm not going to tell you." Maybe T and I both "messed up." Now I feel like I'm pathetic.

I actually don't see the basic googling of the therapist as the problem - it is your response of pressuring her when she does not answer you. It is the googling and then confessing and then trying to wheedle/demand (as I see it) some response from her about your knowledge that I would find completely off-putting. So, to me, it is not that you just want some general facts about the therapist - it is that you then try to force those facts into being some bonding/specialness/whatever between you and the therapist that is both not real and does not respect the therapist by your demands that she give something she has declined to give.

Thank you. That makes sense. I have to think if I was raised without boundaries. My mother made most decisions for me, was there too much. I still can't make decisions. Of course you know about my brother crossing boundaries with me. T is always wanting to build my sense of Self. I don't think I ever had one until my husband passed away. This is making me cry but my legs don't hurt so much today so it's okay.

This reply and the fact that others agree with you makes me feel like a bad person. I don't know what to do. I hate myself. I like knowing more about my T and seeing her bf. I don't understand boundaries. I wonder if she will be angry or want to help me.

The way I see it this is grist for the therapeutic mill. I agree with sd that you have not really acted in a way that respects your therapist's wishes. That doesn't mean you are a bad person, and I don't think sd is saying you are a bad person; she is saying she would find your behaviour off-putting.
I think you are right that you struggle with boundaries. That's okay and the therapeutic relationship is doing it's job in that it's highlighting your difficulties with relating in a safe environment where you can become aware of how you are relating and work on that. I think you are right that your therapist won't terminate you. So you have an opportunity here that doesn't exist in other relationships. For this to be therapeutically useful to you, it would be a great idea to look at this behaviour and hear the feedback that others (including your therapist) would be uncomfortable with the way you are behaving. That's when change can happen, and hopefully in making changes you won't find yourself feeling so bad about yourself.

Imo, you cant give something you were never given. You have an empty bucket, emotionally. Intellectually sure we understand the concept, and we could follow orders like not googling or not pressing, but mah bucket's still empty! I needed the relationship with t to fill the bucket - THEN i can give it back. This is true of SO MANY MANY emotional things. All the emotional things.

I did not say you are a bad person. I would think you could change if you wanted to do so. I did not even say you should change - that is up to you. I think changing your behavior might make it easier for you in the long run. There is a separation between feeling and acting on that feeling. So you can feel sad or left out but not act in a way that is not conducive to respecting another's boundaries. Feeling and Acting are separate.
Again -googling and finding out stuff about a therapist is not a big deal in my opinion. It is all the other stuff around doing it that I find (I am not saying the therapist does) off-putting and the exact opposite of treating the therapist like you respect her or find the relationship special.

I emailed T again and asked if I destroyed our relationship. She immediately wrote back that I didn't and we will talk about it in 2 weeks.

Are you really the opposite, though? There have been times you've said you were holding back details because they have identifying information. What if one of us went deep diving to figure out who you are because we don't like being shut out? What if it hurts to be told we don't have that kind of relationship with you and it triggers old feelings? If you are the opposite to your therapist on this issue, then does that mean you will be okay with other people looking for information about you?

I agree with Stopdog that feeling and acting are separate things. You say your life is crappy now Rainbow (hug) so you have the urge to look up your t knowing it will probably hurt you and then you tell her you have done it knowing she won’t be happy you have broke her boundary again. There is an element of self sabotage here Rainbow, can you see that in yourself? Maybe it doesn’t fit for you but perhaps there is a kinder way to soothe yourself when you are feeling bad about your own life, like reaching out to friends, painting. Contacting your t to say you are having urges to google her.

For the record (in response to unaluna's theory), there were no boundaries in my family growing up, and very few in the work relationships I've had as an adult--but you better believe I observe them when other people make them clear, and even when they don't, I err on the side of caution. From what I understand, the work of many trauma survivors is to learn how to not let others violate their boundaries, not how to respect other peoples'.

Sorry. Just had to say that.

Rainbow, you are sounding in a lot of distress. I'm sorry if anything I've said has contributed to that. I don't think googling is wrong. It's more what others have said, so I won't belabor it. Your therapist is the best one to help you with this. From everything you've written, she is clearly committed to your work together.