Does T have enough of me?

This morning I had a session with my T. I'm not doing well at all. I had this practise she works at. She knows that. Several reasons: I hate the way I have to drive. It's busy with lots of trucks and I can't do it by public transport. Another reason is that PrevT works there. I went back to her for therapy in 2015 and after 2-3 months she told me she's going to work somewhere else, but I could go with her if I wanted to keep her as T. So I did. And then not long after she worked at this new place, she told me she's pregnant. So I had to take a new T after all. I as mad at her. Not just for this, also for how she handled certain things.
　
So today. T askes me about this practise. How it is to come here. I said I hate the drive to and from here. She said should we do session every other week instead of every week. I said that I don't know it, that it scares me.
Also we talked about meds. I didn't want to go to the Pdoc anymore, I want to ask my docter if he wants to prescribe meds. She ask if I don't want everything there, so see the T my docter has at his practise. I don't. I don't want to start over again. It as horrible when I had to to dat with this T. Get to know her, tell everything again. I felt so lonely during such a hard time. But according to her it isn't starting over, it's continuing. But I don't want that.
　
T said it isn't because she want to get rid of me. But I start to doubt that. I can't blame her of wanting to get rid of me. I'm difficult. I've kind of given up. I mostly go because otherwise I will feel even worse en more alone. I'm not going because I believe things can get better. I've stopped believing that when I had to change T's.
I thought I would get back to PrevT whe she would be back from her leave, but she didn't even get in touch when she was back at work.
So it's hard to believe when T says that she doesn't want to get rid of me.
　

Hi Chummy,

It didn't sound to me like your t is trying to get rid of you. She knows you don't like traveling to her location. When you told her you were just going to get your psych meds from your regular doctor, she probably wondered if you would rather see a different t also who lives closer to you. It was more of a question than a suggestion, wasn't it? I see it as your t just wants what will make it easier for you.

It does seem odd that your ex-t didn't get in touch with you when she returned to work. Did you contact her and ask if you could start rescheduling your sessions? Would you rather go back to her if it was possible than stay with this newer t? That wouldn't get rid of the bad commute though, would it?

I can understand your dilemma, Chummy! I don't think your current t is trying to get rid of you though. It's hard when we've felt that way by people in the past. It makes us always afraid of the same thing happening with other people in the present.

Peaches

I have felt like this often myself.... and I tell him. We laugh and he assures me, he isn't going anywhere or kicking me out or sick of me etc....

He recently told me I need to go back to weekly soon as 2x weekly is for crisis only and I've been on it for 12 weeks.... but he made sure more than once to ask me if I was ok with it and to make sure I knew again, he isn't sick of me and if its too hard right now, he has kept my second slot open still etc.

I personally would just talk to her about your concerns. Might just be a misunderstanding.

I don't think it sounds like she is trying to get rid of you either. I think that it sounds like she wants to make the trip easier for you.

However, I totally understand your feelings. When we have a general feeling that we are unlikable or unlovable, it's so very easy to believe that what people say or do is because they don't like us.

Just knowing how I am, I'm guessing that you have that feeling with other people sometimes, not just your therapist. But the good thing about therapists is that they should be able to understand that feeling and you should be able to safely tell them and talk about it. And by doing so you feel more secure, and they understand you better.

Yes, T knows that I don't like that place. But I'm afraid she's getting enough of me.

PrevT works at the same place as current T. There work about 8 T's at that place and it would have been easier to transfer to a T there. Then it would have been also easier to change back to PrevT. I've had a few session with PrevT, but she called it closing sessions. As an excuse for not getting in contact with me when she was back at work she said she tought it would have been easier for me to wait until the first session with me, her and current T. But I find it hard to believe. Especially since she called our sessions closing sessions. (it has been 1,5 years since she got back).

I probably should send her an email about my concerns. I'm just afraid she is getting enough of me, but saying that to me would not be very good, so she's just using an excuse. I've been with her for 1,5 years now and I'm not making any improvements. (Though one year of that was group therapy).