[granite1]

todays session felt good. i have been doing a lot of thinking about her saying that i have been testing her,pushing her ,trying to get her angry to see if she would send me away.now that she is so much calmer and i have had some time away also .we seem to be able to communicate so much better .i was able to admit to her that maybe i was a but upset when she told me that she was going to retire . i hated how upset it made me . that it made me face how much i am dependent on her and the therapy . that i had tried so very hard to not be this person . and i was confronted with the reality i did not want to deal with . i told her how i felt stupid , how i was terrified that i was going to be hurt and didnt want to set myself up for that again .telling her this i was expecting her to give me the lecture about her boundaries and how i need to respect them and how this is her job etc...but she didnt do that. she told me that i was not stupid and that she ha forgotten about the retirement thing and that it was normal with my history to be afraid to be dependent on anything . and to be confused and scared .she said that she was not going anywhere and she was so glad that i was willing to bring it up with her . she said she completely understands why i would feel the way i do . how her saying that triggered so many fears of abandonment and how the mother was never there for me . i told her how i dont like to talk about therapy and us . she said that she was glad i did because it isnt always about the relationship in therapy . that that can be used to understand how the other relationships and stuff work out side of therapy . that this stuff can be talked about in those terms . but that i need to be willing to do that work . that therapy isnt for someone to come and have a nice conversation with a nice person ,that it is scary. and can feel horrible and hard . she said she is there to help me and has no plans on going anywhere but that i need to decide if i am willing to work through all the pain in my past . i dont really know what she means by that . any time i try to talk about it she stares away from it but whatever.

she said that she sees me living on two different plains in life . she said she finds it amazing how i have made a great life for myself with how traumatizing my history is . she said she sees all this great stuff . a husband who loves me and is great and sportive,a nice house , success with my crafting that i enjoy . a great group of friends to hang out with etc...BUT she sees that i am in a lot of ways not a part of that . although it is all there i am not able to be in it in the here and now . i told her that i have been trying to tell her this forever . that although i have all this and am thankful for it ,i cant really feel any of it . that is not me at all . she seemed to understand me finely . she said she sees me as putting myself in some kind of prison . trapped in all that trauma and past stuff . that that is the person who is in charge . not the person in the here and now . this is exactly how i feel . she said she doesnt know why i feel i need to keep punishing myself in this way and feeling so guilty. there are so many reasons and answers to that question .she said that i needed to be willing to look at all this and to figure out what next . weather i want to work through all this stuff . to be able to feel better . to stop punishing myself . i told her that i am but that i have no idea how to work through all this . she said it is a good start that you said you are wanting to .and she can help me with it but that she cant do the work for me .

[velcro003]

sooo...how do you feel about it all? do you think you can hold onto this "good T" for when times come you are convinced she is being the "bad T?" I think that question is crucial, because otherwise you two are going to play the same dance, because it doesn't seem that she is changing tactics in any way to meet you where you are at.

[Anne2.0]

Sounds like you've made great progress and really turned a corner. Change, in my experience, comes in increments, and it often begins with openness to what and how you're doing something, and a desire for it to be different.

I share some of your history and beating myself up for past current mistakes or less than ideal or perfection in living isn't what I do so much any more. In a way self hatred was like a compulsion for me, and I felt comfortable with it, and from time to time I miss it. It's hard sometime to allow myself to see and feel the love people have for me. I'm not sure I'm at self-love so much as self mostly-like. But it feels good.