[sidony]

If ya noticed my absence I'm back. :-)

I found a job again, I'm stressed as s%#t, but I'm coping. Sort of. Well, not particularly well I suppose but it's survival. Work stresses me, my (lack of a) love life stresses me, etc. Actually it all tangles together. Here's how:

Work: I don't think I'm particularly good at what I do. I didn't train in the field I work in -- don't know if I'd be good if I had. I can't work my particular type of job forever (am expected to get into management or something eventually and people will quit hiring me eventually if I don't).

Love: I screwed up a relationship that should have lasted. I didn't appreciate or take care of it. I feel undeserving of any further chances in love since that's not even the first time I've screwed it up.

Friends: They all remind me of my ex-love. I hate to leave them, but I need a whole new group, a whole new environment, a whole new life.

Random: I keep wishing I could meet a stranger for a one-night stand or something. Never had a one-night stand in my life.

Guess this post isn't particularly related to therapy. Except in that if it weren't for therapy I doubt I'd have any chance at all of survival....

Sidony

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Sidony

Welcome back.

I'm glad you found a job. Maybe you would want to train for a whole now career if you're not so sure about your field? It might give you the new surroundings you are looking for all around.

Good luck.

[Mouse_]

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sidony said:

Love: I screwed up a relationship that should have lasted. I didn't appreciate or take care of it. I feel undeserving of any further chances in love since that's not even the first time I've screwed it up.



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You know the first thing that crossed my mind as i read this is how our actions tell us what we really feel? I've been in a situation where I feel I've walked away from something that I valued? Unyet doesn't my walking away tell me something different? If I really valued something wouldn't I see be there?

[sidony]

Hi Mouse and sister,

Thanks for responding. That's an interesting point about actions saying what we feel. Maybe that's true. I just wonder how I could have failed to appreciate something that was so good. How do I not know how to love the time that I'm in? Always on the outside somehow.

Sister, I have thought about going into another field but just don't see how I can afford to train in anything else. I'm single with only myself to support me. With that said, I am thinking of trying out a certificate program to try to get some legitimate training in my current field (found one that I can do online in my spare time). Might be helpful to have that on my resume if I ever get laid off again at least. But it's stressful to feel like the future is really uncertain. T says I'm catastrophizing and maybe I am (after all I'm employed again now), but losing my job made me really think about what will happen to me long-term....

Sidony

[Perna]

sidony, you make it sound like one has to like something, just because it is "good". I don't particular like lobster and I love lamb, something lots of other people don't care for. The relationship doesn't sound like it was for you. In your first post you said, "I screwed up a relationship that should have lasted" and I was struck by the "should". Relationships have no existance of their own, they're a construct based on what you and whomever wanted and you didn't want it and that's fine.

Do you have to leave your friends wholesale? Don't you have any close ones? Sounds like the group of friends is like the relationship, a "thing" you don't want now or that isn't working now and you feel it isn't worth keeping. There are individual people involved, not "relationships", "groups" of friends, etc. It's hard to differentiate between your new job, your relationship, and your friends. They all sound like the same sorts of "things".

[sunrise]

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sidony said:
If ya noticed my absence I'm back. :-)

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Yes, I did notice you have been missing for a while. Glad to see you back!

Job: the management route sounds like it has potential. Good for you to look ahead. Good idea also to bolster skills in the online course. It must feel a relief to be employed again and have some steady cash flow. The finances can cause so much stress.

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I screwed up a relationship that should have lasted. I didn't appreciate or take care of it.

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Sounds like you learned something from the experience and will do better next time. Relationships do require nurturing, and now you know that.

Do you really need to get rid of all your current friends? That sounds really isolating. I feel bad for your friends, that they would be tossed aside just because you associate them with your ex-BF. It's as if they have no value to you of their own. Could you find some new friends but keep the old ones too?