smh...

How could my ex therapist raise his voice at me and think he can get away with it? As his own CLIENT?
He messed up my thinking. All my father says is "So what, do you have any idea how many doctors make mistakes and get away with it? What do you expect to do about it?"
Or when talking about hurts from people, he goes on about how many people hurt him, but that's unrelated.

That scream was powerful. It was so powerful it has turned into a PTSD

I don't know how to deal with it

It shows how little I was to him. So little he thought he could scream at me and get away with it. But my mind is still disoriented and due to plans I have no time for long-term therapy, for the time being

[Out There]

T's can be damaging , it wasn't your fault , look after you.

Thanks, I know it wasn't my fault, and I know it had nothing to do with me.
It was a personal frustration that I let people get away with it, so I rebelled against it and eventually left

[here today]

When my last T did something similar to me it triggered a long buried/dissociated traumatic response to similar things my family had done. Those feelings were extremely demoraling in part because I was so dependent on my family and had looked up to them. The situation was too awful and disorienting at the time and so was numbed out, dissociated and not processed then. It just sat there, largely not conscious.

Why was the similar action -- shaming me -- so traumatic and disorienting when the therapist did it? Because I was still dependent on the attitudes of others, and in particular her, toward me for my sense of self and purpose, to some extent. Let's accept your assumption -- it shows how little you were to him. And then back up a bit. So why does it bother you that you were worth so little to a therapist so full of his own issues that he can't see you clearly?

I know part of why it still bothers me how my last T treated me. Doesn't make it feel a lot better but hopefully in time. . .

I have no one to depend on. I've outgrown my family and found the therapist's fault and I have no one to lean on for support

[here today]

I don't either. And I don't have a good enough internalized self image and socials skills to depend on myself very well. It sucks. But what to do? I like PC and other forums and in person support groups. My belief is that ultimately self-help groups will offer the most help to people like me but they aren't here yet. So, one foot in front of the other . . . What's available is better than nothing.

All I wanted was to succeed. But my therapist just ruined it all for me. In every moment of struggle to work hard, he pops in punishment to stop me.
My parents don’t care and I REALLY want to succeed in life. But my therapist destroyed me and my parents don’t do anything about it.

Possible trigger:

I want to end my life desperately, just to inject an instant-kill fluid and be done with it

It’s my therapists fault and my parents LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT!

[here today]

Hi, VO. So sorry. I understand that feeling.

For me, my therapists destroyed me and the SOCIETY let them get away with it.

My therapists destroyed me, but that's in part because -- I hate to say it, but my family had destroyed me first and the "false self" I had built up still had a vulnerability inside, that therapy may have helped uncover, but could not help me move from there.

It really sucks.

What does success in life mean to you? Anything specific? You mentioned music once. Anything else?

You are young and potentially have a lot of good life in front of you. Your society and nation will benefit, too, if you do.

Can you think of any other options besides therapy, and your family that you said you have outgrown, where you might find some help and support which could help you succeed?

Success for me is financial, but I am concerned whether I’ll be able to sustain it. I think focusing on the present moment will have to do.
I want therapy but I have no time for long term until a few months from now.
What is also really important for me is love. I met a woman who was feelings on sight, but she turned demonic overtime. Wish she weren’t that way.
But I am at a stalling point with nothing to do other than a part time job I’ll hopefully be able to apply for.

Thanks for listening so far, please feel free to reply if you have other things to say. It helps, man

[here today]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

. . .
But I am at a stalling point with nothing to do other than a part time job I’ll hopefully be able to apply for.
. . .

That sounds like a good place to start.

My therapist wanted to awaken emotions in me. It actually worked, but I didn't want that... I wanted increased mental strength and resillience, not to be told and be made to feel I need friends and emotional bonds, which is what the therapist was trying to do
Why...? All I wanted is mental strength

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

My therapist wanted to awaken emotions in me. It actually worked, but I didn't want that... I wanted increased mental strength and resillience, not to be told and be made to feel I need friends and emotional bonds, which is what the therapist was trying to do
Why...? All I wanted is mental strength

Apparently we need to make connections with other humans and have bonds with someone or feeling lonely and disconnected cause mental heath issues. My T keeps trying to get me to cultivate friendships. I don't know. I am 50 know and am comfortable with my solitude.

I find a problem with those kind of disciplines is they don’t explain them to us.
For example, why would a person like me necxesarily need friends? Or why would you need friends? Something we don’t know of?