In Session Today: Part IV

(((Growly))) wow. Sounds like he was not handling the day well at all, and was acting out. Wtf. I think you got a hint of what it would be like to be involved with him. He let you know passively aggressively (and quite angrily) that no one will ever meet his lofty ideals or needs.

I'm also really sorry, Growly. It makes me think about, what if MC had said to another client, "I had this client e-mail me to tell me how much she loves me. Creepy, right? I had to cut her off." If I'd somehow found out about that, it would have crushed me. He's never been a T to talk about other clients (just about himself and his family...and friends), so I sincerely doubt he would have done that, but still... I can understand how you'd worry about Growly interpreting things you'd tell him about attachment/connection. I think it's something worth bringing up next session, that it really bothered you that he said that.

Oh, growly, I am so sorry about this. If I had a therapist talk about another client in that way, it would cut me to the core. The closest has been times when I've struggled with quitting therapy and my therapist casually says she's had people with similar issues as me just decide not to come back, and she kind of shrugged it off, which made me realize how little emotion there is on the therapist side of things.

Kashi revealed himself to you in a way that I would find really hard to overlook. I agree with unaluna on this and wonder if he wasn't purposely trying to deal with your affection for him by showing that he could be an unfeeling a**hat.

Man, this is really upsetting. Makes me want to ask my therapist if she has clients give her things that she finds creepy.

Anyway, hugs to you. I hope you let him know how this is striking you and give him a chance to reflect on it with you.

Really sorry he said this to you. I would be upset too.

I think, though, it says more about him/his personality/attitudes ...regardless of nonpsychodynamic orientation. The woman gave him the candy as a nice gesture--it was basically just laying around, but he took it for more than what it was. It illustrates his fears if anything...

Ugh, all around.

Wow, that would discombobulate me, if my T did that. It is like he is teaming up with you against another patient, but instead of making you feel special, it just makes you wonder if underneath his caring is contempt generally . The lobby where I work has a huge bowl of valentines hearts , candy necklaces etc- it seems kind of like a tiny gesture bc the session fell on a holiday. I really like your response- to differentiate and stay with what you did really think( and I would have too).

Kashi does seem to extra care about you- I bet he just needed a friend today, and had a tiny lapse from his therapist role bc he has a bond with you.

Such an excellent comment- BOOM. You got it .

Thursday's video visit. Mostly just talked about my work week, my struggles through this winter, and my stupid transference. I feel like she is also just holding on until I can start getting back to "my life" after all the surgeries and medical set backs. For the most it was a "lighter" session for us - which is good as it was a video visit and the purpose was to just keep a connection. She did not take my book with her so she could not read it to me. I had wrote about it but we never talked about it. She said she didn't want to go all rogue and take it out of the office. I had the copy have checked out from the library. I started saying the story from memory, then got stuck, so I pulled it out and showed her. I joked about being able to show her my house. That is a weird thought, that I could have walked her through my house. I kind of want to at the same time it feel too .... I don't know, not like I keep much from her. Just feels uncomfortable, so I didn't.

She was wearing a winter coat and that through me off some, was distracting. I am glad she was able, willing, and encouraged the contact. It has been a very difficult winter for me and I've been struggle a lot with identity and existence.

I have an emergency session tonight. We talked in the phone a little bit. He says he never said he was disgusted by that woman’s gesture just that she crossed a boundary. I still sensed contempt and disgust from him. He says don’t tell him how he felt. He seemed angry that I somehow am “discounting” the above and beyond things he has done for me Now I am worried that he will take those things away. He said he knows now not to talk about other clients with me. Trash talking then yeah we both agree. I feel really sick right now. The call and the emergency session should be signs of caring? Why do I feel like he is screwing with my emotions? I want to trust that he cares but I. Feeling paranoid that he’s trying to hurt me.

((GC)) It sounds like he’s being garden variety defensive because you hit a nerve.

I wouldn’t take it on myself.

You’ve had a decent relationship with him and he’s shown genuine signs of caring from all I can tell — I’d consider this a moment to recognize he’s messed up himself and take it from there? I’m going with the assumption here that you really don’t want to quit etc.

I don't like his behaviour I'm afraid growly. I think part of the problem with above and beyond stuff in therapy is that it can make it more difficult to call a therapist out when they do something wrong. You can feel like you owe them, or fear having it taken away as you've described. I don't know that it is consciously manipulative, but on some level it is manipulative all the same. You do not owe him anything, and I can completely understand your fears.
It sounds like he his totally failing in his responsibility to your emotional wellbeing here. He should be trying to see it from your point of view. "Don't tell me how I felt" seems very passive aggressive and defensive. It sounds like you are expressing how it felt for you and that is valid and he needs to hear that.
Hugs growly. I'm sorry he's being such a jack@ss about it.

Wait...isn't he the one who crossed the boundary by accepting the candy? It takes two to tango, etc., and the therapist is the one leading the dance.

And "he knows now not to talk about other clients with me"? That's really not the issue. He shouldn't be discussing them in detail at all. I've had therapists mention other clients to me a couple of times, but never critically. And then how do you know he's not talking about you to other clients?

Really sorry, growly. I hope it works out, somehow. I might be breaking up with Info tonight, so I sympathize.

(((Growly))) its funny, its like hes been having all these feelings that he has NOT been telling you about, and now hes blaming you for not knowing that of course thats how he feels and he assumed you knew? But he never validated anything. Until yesterday, and even then only weirdly. Wtf.

I think i need to say that to my t, btw!

Oh yikes- tense times. This is when The T's have to show their professionalism, bc I think they get "triggered" when a special client, or one for whom they feel they go above and beyond,, presents a criticism. I just went through a six week high stakes spiral with my T, and when I finally said I felt like he is daring me to quit, was when the T in him prevailed over the human with hurt feelings, and he called it off. I feel like he really , really cares about you, so I hope the conflict doesn't take on a life of its own and spiral out of control.

This points to a benefit of recording sessions. It's not why I do it, but it really helps to listen later, when I'm in a different state, and see if that's what was said or not. If he's gaslighting you, that is so not okay. The way he responded by saying he knows now not to talk about other clients? Um, he should have known when he was in T school not to do that.

As an aside, I don't see giving leftover office candy to a therapist as particularly boundary busting.

Sorry, but he's going to have work a lot harder to make this okay for me. (That was a joke.) (Not really.)

I am processing it:

AesB,

I suspect that what has happened here is that her denial has triggered
the same emotions that get triggered when your family does the same:
insist that nothing you remember ever happened (those scars from a
knife would were always there, etc. etc. and we were always one big
happy family).

All you can do at this point is go back to believing in you, and
recognizing that others will do whatever they need to do to protect
themselves (mostly from themselves). She can't face seeing herself as
someone who would, in essence, cheat to get her state license and so she
insists it never happened. Protecting her self-image is far more
important to her than considering how her actions may affect you.
Family dynamic again.

Have to remind yourself: it's not about you. I like your hypothesis:
let's not XX and then I won't have to face her. Makes sense to
me. Now you just have to accept that you don't need to do that (avoid
her) because you are no longer the same person who did not say no to
her previously. If you so choose, when you see her you can let her
know how you are affected by her 'lack of memory' - and you don't have
to choose that if you don't wish. You just see her for what she is and
let her be. What she chooses to believe, or insist upon, does not
change who you are, or what actually happened.

So, once again - take back your power over you and don't give it to
people like her. She does not get to drive your life off the rails,
not any longer.

Wishing you a wonderful ... and productive ... day.

Love,
FM

"I hope I can tell her."

Drank a couple glasses of wine at our team lunch knowing I had therapy right after.

Always a s*** idea.

20-something part hijacked nearly the entire session talking about work and our previous life as an industry analyst -- 20-something is EVERYONE'S favorite part, and 13-y.o. apparently hates the s*** out of her bc I felt that wrath all the way home.

Sent C 2...scratch that, 3, stupid emails already. Hate everything. Therapy was stupid, and I don't even remember it, and just whatever.

**** life. **** everything. bye.

Growly--
Good luck tonight, ugh, the more I read of this, the sadder I am, we are in similar boats so of course now I fear stuff like this going on with me.

I don't blame you at all for your reactions, probably what most of us would have



As for my Texting session today, was pretty lame. He was distracted, cut it short and took ages to reply, not typical,but can't complain since it's free and he doesn't have to do it at all. Just hope its better next time.

I thought it was hostile: "Im giving you leftovers."

His talking about it certainly breaks boundaries: "I disappoint other women too. I hate myself but i will take it out on you."

He should definitely call his t.

That occurred to me as well. Or... maybe that lady has warm feelings about him. And at the first sign of rejection “well, it was just leftover from work”.

I would backpedal too if it saved me pain and humiliation. Aedop’s fable fox and the grapes. Grapes must have sucked anyways

growlycat, thanks for the hug. I hope you can straighten things out with your therapist. Unfortunately, none of them are perfect and some of the things they say are not what we need or want to hear. it can be maddening.