Feeling second rate

My T always seems to favor other clients over me. When she double books appointments, I'm the one that has to change my time. When a teenager needs an afternoon appointment, I have to change my time. She always ends on time with me, but one time she ended with her client before me right at my time, so I wound up seeing the client. I told her it bothered me, and all she said was that she couldn't go into specifics, but it couldn't be helped. And now today I ask her for an appointment next week and she says she'll have to get back to me because she offered multiple times to someone else and she needs to hear back from them first. She has never offered me multiple times. She always tells me she has x time.

So we're fighting. I told her I'm hurt and feel like a second rate client. Her response is defensive and full of excuses saying she has to respect her other clients. She's completely ignoring how I feel! Maybe the situation can't be changed, but she's not empathizing with me!

Do you think she is trying to accommodate people’s work schedules? I have some flexibility as a salaried employee but hourly workers have it pretty brutal in so many ways. Worse benefits, bad pay and a total lack of flexibility.

If for any reason you are not working or going to school she may see you as having more schedule flexibility. But I don’t know your situation. Maybe t is making assumptions about your schedule?

I do have a very flexible schedule. I don't work or go to school, and have no children. I know she has told me she appreciates my flexibility, but it makes me feel unimportant.

It would make me feel the same way too. Hopefully she will address the feeling and not dismiss it even though she may not be able to do much about it. But she could try a bit harder. Does she not try to have a regular day and time for her clients? I do understand how it can feel more grounding

I do have a regular time with her. The problem is that I'm supposed to see her every 3-4 weeks, and when I need to see her sooner, I have to fit into what she already has scheduled.

My depression is acting up right now, and so I need to see her sooner.

That really sucks. I'd be upset too. With your depression issue..
Maybe she has crisis times? My t does that

As your therapist, i think she owes you an explanation for why she is treating you differently to at least some of her other clients.

My T only works Monday and Wednesday. She does respond to calls and emails throughout the week. But she doesn't have set crisis times.

Are you not her client also? What she's doing is very disrespectful to you. I would feel hurt and second rate also. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Part of whats going on for me right now, and might be also for you, is that im not flying off the handle as much as i used to. Its like, oh is this what coping and taking responsibility look like? Cuz nobody is chewing up my butt about stuff either, so i CAN be calmer. But part of that is protecting myself ahead of time from the butt chewers. Youre kind of in the middle of it, though.

I talked to my T on the phone. She says she's not favoring anyone, but is just trying to fit everyone in. She said the reason why she doesn't give me time options is because she knows I like my regular time, and tries to keep me at that time or close to it. She said she knows it's hard on me to switch times, so she doesn't ask me unless she really needs to.

I feel like a bad person now. I should have just trusted her.

She sounded mad, but she said she's not mad. She did say my feelings are valid. But she wasn't too comforting which is what I originally asked for before even asking for an appointment.

Do you think she has weekly or twice a week clients?

This might provide a good opportunity to work with your therapist. Your feeling bad is something you are bringing to this situation. A therapist can be trusted and still asked to explain their behavior if something is causing difficulties or could lead to misunderstandings.

Yes. I used to be weekly. I don't think she does twice a week clients. She told me once before that if someone needs a therapist that much, it's better for them to seek a higher level of treatment.

Yeah. I'm still not okay with the situation. I understand her reasons, so that doesn't upset me anymore. But I still feel like she doesn't understand. I feel like she's more interested in defending herself than validating my feelings.

That sounds like my T. I feel like if I wrote this. I have the same issues where my T would have me bend and change times for others. I noticed you heat that when it came home for Her clients to adjust time for me because she was trying to fit me in that no one would adjust. Then she double booked according to her and I lost out. She told me that She would’ve expected me to leave and to be upset later but not to cause an issue there. I’ve also lost time due to her running late and for others she does start and end in time and sometimes past their time. I’ve been there to witness that

I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to voice yourself and let her know how you feel. If you don’t voice yourself she will the Continue to do so because she would think that it’s okay for her to do. I’ve gotten much more comfortable at telling her when she’s wrong and that’s only because I grew so tired of it. Now I don’t care. My time has to be valued the same way she would expect her time to be valued when she steps into someone’s office. If you don’t stand up for yourself and point out the issues then there’s no one else to do it for you. That’s great that you have done so. My feeling is that if she continues to do so the. She’s not working in your best interest and I would look elesewhrre fpr another T that will be more professional and respectful. You’re just as important and as valuable as everyone else that walks through her doors and you deserve the same amount of respect and professionalism as others.

i would encourage you to work through this with your therapist rather than bury your feelings. it might be an opportunity even if it doesn't seem that way right now.

I guess I'm not sure what it is that you want from your t. You speak of validation of your feelings. I wonder what that would look like. An apology or reassurance that you are one of her favorite clients?

Not to defend your t but you asked for an explanation and it sounds like she gave you one. It doesn't sound like she was defensive because she explained that she wanted to give you a time close to the one you usually have because she figured you would be more comfortable. Sounds like she was thinking of you and your feelings.

I hope this works out for you and you can feel validated. It is awful when one's t is not affirming.

I don't bury my feelings with my T. I might take awhile to address them, but I always get around to it. Normally, T is good about empathizing. This feels like I did when I first met her: that she wasn't listening to me. I didn't drop it then and I'm not going to drop it now. I need her to understand how I feel and why I feel that way. I don't need her being defensive or giving excuses. I never asked for the situation to be changed. I never demanded that she let me pick my time before this other person. I don't care what time the other person chooses...jist freaking choose a time!!! The other person still hasn't chosen a time and it's now 5pm Friday...end of work week. If my T is respecting her clients, what about me? What about respecting that I'm already hurting, that her client isn't respecting her by getting back to her with a time, and that this makes me feel like I'm second rate.

Aren't all feelings valid? Aren't Ts supposed to be understanding and empathetic?

I didn't ask for an explanation, for one.

Validation of feelings would look like understanding and empathizing. Seeing it from my perspective. Allowing me to feel what I feel.

Scarlet—didn’t you guys have this same problem early on? Iirc. How did you resolve it then?

Yeah. In the beginning, she didn't listen to me. She always took a stance on how she was right. Not right, but dismissed my feelings. At one point I was crying and raising my voice saying: "You're not listening to me!". It was so bad that I had to have a second session right afterwards.

I don't know how we fixed it. After the session where I was crying, she just started listening to me, validating my feelings. I don't know why she's reverted backwards.

She finally got back to me. She said the person didn't get back to her, so she offered me the two times she had available. I told her I want to see her as soon as possible, and that I'm still struggling and still hurt with her. I picked the Monday appointment. Honestly, even though I have a preference on when I see her, I just wanted to see her. I'm really struggling with my depression. I mean, I haven't showered in 5 days! Eeewww, right? I sleep as much as I can, and I've even picked up drinking. I didn't need this drama on top of everything!

Scarlet, I am so sorry that you are hurting like this. It seems like in general this T has been pretty decent: that probably makes it worse when she errs.

I hope your appointment on Monday goes well.

Yeah, things are usually good with my T. And I know I hold her to high standards. If you remember, just a few months ago I asked her if she loved me, and she said no. She handled that session and the following phone call so well, that the pain only lasted maybe a week. She was so caring and understanding. I don't know why this week she wasn't. Maybe she had a bad day/week? Maybe she growing tired of my depressive episodes? When the borderline acts up? We have been trying to get me to go every 4 weeks, but something keeps coming up. Maybe she's frustrated that we're not reaching the 4 week point? But even on the phone call, she still wasn't that comforting. She even rushed me off saying she had other phone calls to make. I told her I wanted to be comforted. She asked me how. I told her I want to know she cares, that she's there, that she's not going to leave me. She quickly said she there, but that was it. Oh, and she basically told me I'm emailing too much and that if I want to email her this week, to save it as a draft and bring it into session. She's never told me to do that before.

I'm scared that something has changed. It feels similar to when things changed with ex-T. She went from super caring to distant. I don't want to lose my T! I don't think I can survive another termination.

I really hope Monday goes well too! I really need her right now. If things go as they usually do, everything will work out.

That's another thing she hasn't said. She usually says everything will be okay. She hasn't said that all week. Maybe things won't be okay?

One good thing has come about this. I think I figured out that the Borderline is triggered by the depression. When I'm not depressed, I have a secure relationship with my T. But when I'm depressed, there's the doubt, clinginess, pushing and pulling, slight paranoia. It makes sense too. When I'm depressed, I'm in constant emotional pain. I feel like a child and feel vulnerable. I want to be comforted by someone, specifically a woman, like a mother would her child. But it's hard because I recognize that I'm an adult.

I really need Monday to come fast and for it to be good!