[goatee]

Has anyone had a therapist tell them that sometimes they're not going to discuss ruptures between them immediately because the issue is too heated and the therapist will get angry? And so even if the patient is very upset about an issue, the therapist will choose not to discuss it for the time being until the therapist feels more calm about it and can get more clear about it. Just wondering if anyone else has had this experience. This is what my therapist told me recently and I'm having a hard time dealing with it because it's very hard for me to just leave issues I'm upset about and not be able to discuss them for a week or two, even if I know that I will be able to eventually discuss them. Just wondering if this sounds reasonable and, if so, how I can better learn to tolerate it.

[nicoleflynn]

This is about YOU and about how YOU are feeling....NOT about what the therapist thinks or feels. When issues come up, they should be dealt with immediately. You shouldn't have to tolerate ANYthing in therapy. This makes no sense.Your therapist obviously isn't well trained. The therapist's feelings are irrelevant.

I have not had that happen but I imagine it would be incredibly frustrating. I know that is a strategy I use with my girlfriend when there is anger, talking about whatever it is in the heat of the moment never goes well. I understand that therapists are human too and do get angry and frustrated but that would be incredibly hard as a client. I'm sorry this is going on and I hope that you are able to tall about it soon.

[JaneTennison1]

Your T is unreasonable in this request. Therapy is about you and what you want to discuss. She should not be closing off a topic for you to discuss and I hope when this is revisited you can let her know how you feel.

[TeaVicar?]

I agree with the others. You should feel free to talk about whatever it is you want to talk about. Difficult feelings are the bread and butter of therapy. This would be a good opportunity for your therapist to model good self regulation skills, instead they seem to be suggesting that the therapy won't be safe if you continue to talk about the issue. It sounds as though the therapist has anger issues and is afraid or uncomfortable about getting angry in a session.

What was the rupture?

[Anne2.0]

It seems to me that the T is taking responsibility for how the T feels and knows that s/he cannot have a productive discussion. This seems to me to be a professional decision of the sort that any professional can make. S/he is acknowledging that they have some limits or flaws, or that it is a boundary for them that they will not cross (to have a discussion when they think they cannot be effective).

I wouldn't want a T to crash into a discussion that they didn't think they could handle effectively as a professional. I think I would also be upset at not getting precisely what I wanted at the time. Maybe I'd be willing to wait until after the discussion a week or whatever later to see if the T made the right call. It seems it's not over yet until then, and I could believe in the possibility that perhaps this would end up working for me.

This might just be how the T handles their business and it would be acceptable for you to decide you don't want it and see someone else. Like many things that T's do, whether it's the billing or the way the office is set up or how they schedule appointments, they are free to do business how they think is right for them. And if a client doesn't like it, you can discuss to see if it's something they can change or something you need to walk away from.

In your shoes, I might try to see it as an experiment-- as in, okay, I have to wait. Let's see if the discussion when it does happen is helpful, and consider discussing how to assess it, which of course would include the feelings of having to wait. It's not over yet and you don't have all the data to decide if this works for you or not.

[Sheffield]

I agree with parts of all the replies to OP but overall I think that the expectation that we can always discuss what we want /effectively have want we want at the time we want it is unrealistic in all areas of life and this includes when we are paying another human being to "hear"us
Training and experience should prevent professional persons from letting their emotions get the better of them however difficult the situation presented but it's impossible to be 100 percent all the time and I'd prefer someone admitted they can't talk to me at this time than say something that may be impossible to come back from-I think this shows respect for both parties-for myself as a veterinary surgeon I deal with a huge range of emotions in clients from the pain of euthanasia to the joy of a new puppy to anger over cost/failure of treatment etc in the space of 10 minutes-I've never lost control of my emotions but like the therapist being discussed I have known when I need to step away(in my head -not literally)
I know the pain of waiting for a therapist to respond/reschedule /be more empathic/more understanding etc but to then berate one who admits they're struggling and need some time seems to be a no win situation for the therapist

[JaneTennison1]

I work in a field where I am not a therapist but people are angry with me a lot. It is not an option for me to tell them to put their feelings on hold. It is literally my job to deal with how they feel in an effective way. I would not be ok with a t who could not handle my emotions without getting angry. So angry they can't talk to me. I do not pay for that service. Maybe others feel differently but someone shutting down how I feel because THEY are uncomfortable sounds like a bad situation. This isn't a friendship or real life it is a service.

[maybeblue]

I would be very angry and sad if a therapist said this to me. I would want them to be able to handle my emotions calmly without getting defensive and angry back. However, I recognize that this isn't always possible. If we want them to have real caring feelings toward us, it seems reasonable that they might also have real negative feelings toward us. And much as I hate sitting with my feelings, someone saying "I will talk to you about this, but I need to calm down first," is a healthy way to handle anger.

I guess if I were in this situation, I would write down as much as I could...just to get the feelings out, including my feelings of anger and hurt and disappointment that the therapist wouldn't talk to me about the problem when it happened. I probably wouldn't send it to her, but I would bring it to the next session to help me talk about the problem.

[growlycat]

My long term t once told me “just let me be angry for a little while. I can’t just put it aside yet”. I was desperate to fix the rupture but t was still angry with something I did. He was acknowledging his limitations at the same time he did not bar me from talking about the rupture. Your t should be prepared to talk about anything, even though he has a right to his feelings. He still has a job to do.

[goatee]

Thank you so much, everyone. I'm trying to sort out my feelings before I speak to my T.

[Myrto]

This is completely unreasonable from your therapist. If a therapist gets so involved in the life of a client to the point they get angry and think they can't manage their feelings properly they need to take a MASSIVE step back or consider another career. They are providing a service and you are paying for it. Instead your therapist is making your therapy (where you get to discuss anything you want) all about themselves.