[DoggieDad]

So, today I had my regular session. Went normally. For reasons that don't matter, I didn't have an appointment next week. At the end of the session, T tells me there's been a cancellation and she told receptionist to schedule me. Yay!
We go out and turns out the receptionist gave it to someone else because it's an "emergency". How in he!! can it be an emergency a week from now? Quickly pissed, and hurt. Left.
Get a text on the way home - "emergency" wrong word, client been trying to get in for a month and is "affecting work and school". ****, I struggle to get out the door every day to get to work. Which, of course, T knows. This isn't the first time I've lost my appointment to someone else. It truly an emergency, then I would understand. Might not like it, but would understand. This, not so much.
Texted back, said was angry and hurt. And didn't care about the other client. Then, told her I thought she was gonna be glad to be rid of me (I'm planning on retiring, with no health insurance).
Her text - didn't really deny the latter. Then, said the appointment thing was "my fault" (my, as in her, fault).
Is admitting fault the same as saying :"sorry"? Should I expect a "sorry"?
10 hours later I'm still upset and thinking of telling them to "give 'em (appointments) ALL away".
Really hurtin'
Sorry so disjointed - rushed

I am quite sure that for me an admission of guilt is all some people are able to do and that this is their genuine way of apologising.
For me, I would expect a sorry. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter whose fault it is, your appointment has been given away again. Mistakes happen but at whose expense, seems that both times have been at your expense. I would be angry and feel dismissed. I think I would expect my t to really meet me here and call me in even for an hour after her working hours and to really hear my hurt and anger in person not to apologise over a text.
I don’t know about you but this experience would be extremely hurtful as I struggle with a huge message of ‘I don’t matter’ and ‘my feelings are not important’. This experience would only reiterate those beliefs and o would need my t to really see that and hear that.

[DP_2017]

Wow that really sucks. i'd be hurt and angry too. i guess i would say sleep on it. see how you feel tomorrow as far as if you never really wanna go back or you think you can work through it

how long do you wait now since this is gone?

And just to add that when I have asked my t to cancel all of my future appointments when I was angry with her, it’s always been about her not hearing or seeing me. I really hope you can be seen and respected here, what do you need from your t to be able to move on from this?

[growlycat]

I would be hurt too. I’m so sorry. Can you let her know even further how much this hurts you? Maybe she needs stronger wording or something.

[Anastasia~]

Get a text on the way home - "emergency" wrong word, client been trying to get in for a month and is "affecting work and school". ****, I struggle to get out the door every day to get to work.

The incident was bad enough, then they added insult to injury by telling you the reason the patient needed to get in. That must have felt invalidating to you and would really infuriate me. In my opinion, it is a totally unprofessional way to handle the situation. I am curious as to why your T "admitted" to it being her fault, as if it matters whose fault it is. She seems to be clueless. Why have you lost your appointment before if you want to share. I would definitely let your T know how you feel and why. No, admitting fault isn't the same as apologizing to you. I would also ask if you can expect consistency in the future. For me, my T's consistency is a huge part of my therapy. Let us know how it goes.

[kecanoe]

I would expect my T to work an hour late or over the lunch hour or something to fit me in if that happened to me.

That said, I don't think I would quit therapy over it. When I have felt like cancelling all future appointments, I have waited to see if my feelings changed. They usually have; one time I cancelled for the next two weeks; not right after I got mad but still with a couple of days notice. That resulted in T3 calling me to be sure that I was ok. She didn't call right away, it was a week or so into my (unannounced) two week break. I was not in a place where I could talk in much detail or for very long, but I did go back and am glad that I did.

[DoggieDad]

Mona - Yes, exactly! I don't matter. To anybody. Well, my dog. She'll never give me an extra appointment. What do I need? Right now, I don't know. Too much pain.
DP - It's "only" a little over two weeks. But, you know, an eternity.
Growly - The only stronger words I can think of right now are "I hate you, you f****** b****." Probably not helpful. *smile*
Anastasia - I think she admitted fault thinking it would prevent anger at receptionist. Yeah, didn't work. I don't remember the first incident, but the last time, the hour was somehow double booked. I DO remember asking then why I was the one always having to give in.
kecanoe - I made it this far without quitting. Will definitely think on it. Problem is, I don't always "think", it's more "dwelling". Can get bad. We'll see.

I truly believe she thinks this is okay as I have a history of people going back on their word to me. "I'll be there for you", "You're my friend", "I love you" - all the classics. And have survived. Even the strongest man will break after too much weight, though.

[growlycat]

“
Growly - The only stronger words I can think of right now are "I hate you, you f****** b****." Probably not helpful. *smile*”

Maybe she DOES need to hear something like that. Polite patients often get the shaft I hate to say.

It sounds like your therapist has more patients than time to see them. That also bothers me.

[DoggieDad]

Breadfish, you're probably right.
All I know is that in the years I've been seeing her, I've asked for an "emergency" session twice - that day, not a week later - and been refused both times. Guess wasn't a real emergency, though. Still here and all that.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by growlycat

“
Growly - The only stronger words I can think of right now are "I hate you, you f****** b****." Probably not helpful. *smile*”

Maybe she DOES need to hear something like that. Polite patients often get the shaft I hate to say.

EXACTLY! The squeaky wheel gets the oil. That happened to me two weeks ago. I sat in the waiting room 40 mins past my appointment time for him to come out and tell me he can't see me because the client before me is having issues. So I went home in tears triggered into an emotional flashback because that was the theme of my childhood. The ones who made more noise got the help and attention while I was always scared to open my mouth for help.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

“
Growly - The only stronger words I can think of right now are "I hate you, you f****** b****." Probably not helpful. *smile*”

Maybe she DOES need to hear something like that. Polite patients often get the shaft I hate to say.

True story. I am polite so I agree, while this exact thing hasn't happened to me before he has "moved me around" to fit in others who had a crisis or whatever.

I think he would have a stroke if I got angry LOL

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

It sounds like your therapist has more patients than time to see them. That also bothers me.

Agreed. One thing I really like about my current T is that he intentionally doesn't take on too many clients, so that if a client needs to come in for an emergency session or just wants an extra session that week, he can accommodate them. He's done this for me a few times, and I've really appreciated it. Ex-T and MC tend to have very full schedules (though ex-T did get me in for extra session once in a crisis, during a time when she was planning on doing paperwork).

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by DoggieDad

So, today I had my regular session. Went normally. For reasons that don't matter, I didn't have an appointment next week. At the end of the session, T tells me there's been a cancellation and she told receptionist to schedule me. Yay!
We go out and turns out the receptionist gave it to someone else because it's an "emergency". How in he!! can it be an emergency a week from now? Quickly pissed, and hurt. Left.
Get a text on the way home - "emergency" wrong word, client been trying to get in for a month and is "affecting work and school". ****, I struggle to get out the door every day to get to work. Which, of course, T knows. This isn't the first time I've lost my appointment to someone else. It truly an emergency, then I would understand. Might not like it, but would understand. This, not so much.
Texted back, said was angry and hurt. And didn't care about the other client. Then, told her I thought she was gonna be glad to be rid of me (I'm planning on retiring, with no health insurance).
Her text - didn't really deny the latter. Then, said the appointment thing was "my fault" (my, as in her, fault).
Is admitting fault the same as saying :"sorry"? Should I expect a "sorry"?
10 hours later I'm still upset and thinking of telling them to "give 'em (appointments) ALL away".
Really hurtin'
Sorry so disjointed - rushed

I'm sorry. This would really upset me too. I do think "it's my fault" is not the same as "I'm sorry." And in this case, you deserve an apology. I've found that, at least for the ones I've seen, T's seem very reluctant to give true apologies. Which is frustrating, because sometimes a heartfelt "I'm sorry" can go a long way in repairing a conflict or rupture (it certainly would have helped with a recent rupture with marriage counselor...he did eventually say it, but took a few weeks). Maybe try going to your next session, tell her how much this upset you, and see what she says, then decide about terminating?

[ruh roh]

From your description it sounds more like the fault was with the receptionist who took over the role of deciding who needed the session. I think it's interesting that your therapist would then say it was her fault, but not actually apologize. It feels so removed.

I've noticed this weird dynamic with professionals who have office staff that mess up (or who are rude). They protect these people to the ends of the earth even when they are disruptive to clients. Even my therapist--who does not have staff--says it's a thing that happens where the practitioner is good and the front office people are horrid, but the practitioner won't do anything about it.

Anyway, I don't think you're wrong to be upset about this. It's awful to experience being offered something and then have it taken away because someone else is determined more deserving. It's a hurtful message to send to the client who is passed over.

[DoggieDad]

Home again, after a night at work spent dissecting this from one side to the other and up and down (my job only requires about 5% of my brain power, so it wanders).
I believe one of the following to be true, but am not sure which:
1. She has forgotten my BPD diagnosis.
2. She's not as familiar with BPD as she should be.
3. She doesn't care how this affects me.
4. She's right to give the time to someone else. I am a difficult client. I know that. I'm needy, stubborn, I hold on to slights from 50 years ago, can't let anything current go, either, cross boundaries with regularity. I don't want to spend time with me, either.

In case you can't tell, I'm leaning towards #4.

(I wouldn't dare say that quote to her. If one is a good little boy, perfect in everything they do and say, people won't leave you. Which, of course, is factually incorrect, but is emotionally the core of my being.)

So, so much for that.

Thank you all for your considerate replies I appreciate you having taken the time to share with me.

[growlycat]

If it’s ok I’m just gonna go on and scratch out #4.....

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by DoggieDad

I believe one of the following to be true, but am not sure which:
1. She has forgotten my BPD diagnosis.
2. She's not as familiar with BPD as she should be.
3. She doesn't care how this affects me.
4. She's right to give the time to someone else. I am a difficult client. I know that. I'm needy, stubborn, I hold on to slights from 50 years ago, can't let anything current go, either, cross boundaries with regularity. I don't want to spend time with me, either.

For me, believing things that I cannot possibly know to be true (like what's up with another person) is always wrong. I focus on trying to figure out what's true for me, which is why I find disappointment so hard and take things so personally when someone does something to slight me. Keeping in the forefront of my mind that what people do has mostly to do with them, not me, this is what I think of your possibilities.

1. Sincerely doubt this, and you can't possibly know what she remembers and has forgotten. But does your diagnosis mean she should have called the other client, canceled the appointment the receptionist gave to them, and given it to you? I can't see how one thing leads to the other.

2. Same. You might want to consider challenging your own belief that your diagnosis, or even just being you, means other people have to respond to you in particular ways.

3. "This" is the fact that she didn't give you an appointment that was already schedule for another person? I don't see how she would have offered it if she knew it was already scheduled for another person. That just seems like miscommunication between the receptionist and herself. If the receptionist had told her that appointment was booked, she wouldn't have offered it to you and then you would be back where you were, apparently not needing next week's appointment. It's a classic to say that people don't care when they don't do what you want, but that's also a belief worth challenging yourself about. And just like #1 and #2, your interpretations are all about the other person, whose mind you can't know unless you ask them if these things are true.

4. Maybe she is "right," except in the story you told, she didn't do it.
Why do you assume it's because you are "bad" and the other client must be better? That also seems an interpretation worth exploring. I don't know too many therapy clients that haven't had trouble with some scheduling. I've canceled an appointment or two and then asked for it back, sometimes I've gotten it and sometimes it was already given away, but I'm the same. Taking it so personally, using this kind of random mistake as a way to beat yourself up, maybe that is one thing you could let go. It's fine to be angry or upset or whatever at the T or receptionist, I don't really care and I think they can take it just fine, but it's the self hating interpretations that are really hard to listen to.

I don't think you are wrong to feel how you are feeling. You have that right. My concern is how you respond to them, i.e. dump your therapist.

I spent a lot of my life either staying silent and not dealing with the similar feelings so they ravaged my body or I responded way out of proportion to life's events and would cut of my nose to spite my face. It was a lonely place to be. Living that way did not allow me to move forward in my life. Your therapist taking the blame is major to me. Many people on this forum complain about the 'I'm sorries' their therapist provide as not being enough, so to hear a therapist is actually willing to take the blame is the biggest I'm sorry one could get. That's my thinking about your post but I am totally a different bird on this forum when I respond.

I hope you can find peace soon.

[chihirochild]

Originally Posted by DoggieDad

(I wouldn't dare say that quote to her. If one is a good little boy, perfect in everything they do and say, people won't leave you. Which, of course, is factually incorrect, but is emotionally the core of my being.)

i think this is my spirit animal :/

[tomatenoir]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

For me, believing things that I cannot possibly know to be true (like what's up with another person) is always wrong. I focus on trying to figure out what's true for me, which is why I find disappointment so hard and take things so personally when someone does something to slight me. Keeping in the forefront of my mind that what people do has mostly to do with them, not me, this is what I think of your possibilities.

1. Sincerely doubt this, and you can't possibly know what she remembers and has forgotten. But does your diagnosis mean she should have called the other client, canceled the appointment the receptionist gave to them, and given it to you? I can't see how one thing leads to the other.

2. Same. You might want to consider challenging your own belief that your diagnosis, or even just being you, means other people have to respond to you in particular ways.

3. "This" is the fact that she didn't give you an appointment that was already schedule for another person? I don't see how she would have offered it if she knew it was already scheduled for another person. That just seems like miscommunication between the receptionist and herself. If the receptionist had told her that appointment was booked, she wouldn't have offered it to you and then you would be back where you were, apparently not needing next week's appointment. It's a classic to say that people don't care when they don't do what you want, but that's also a belief worth challenging yourself about. And just like #1 and #2, your interpretations are all about the other person, whose mind you can't know unless you ask them if these things are true.

4. Maybe she is "right," except in the story you told, she didn't do it.
Why do you assume it's because you are "bad" and the other client must be better? That also seems an interpretation worth exploring. I don't know too many therapy clients that haven't had trouble with some scheduling. I've canceled an appointment or two and then asked for it back, sometimes I've gotten it and sometimes it was already given away, but I'm the same. Taking it so personally, using this kind of random mistake as a way to beat yourself up, maybe that is one thing you could let go. It's fine to be angry or upset or whatever at the T or receptionist, I don't really care and I think they can take it just fine, but it's the self hating interpretations that are really hard to listen to.

This ^

I can completely understand why you're hurt / disappointed. But I wouldn't attribute this mistake to your therapist not caring. That would mean she offered you an appointment while knowing it was already taken, which is an illogical and/or very mean thing to do. Most likely scenario is an appointment opened up, she thought she'd offer it to you as you didn't have one next week (so she was actually trying to accommodate you best she could - - thinking of your needs), and then the receptionist booked it in the meantime. And as it's not a crisis for either of you (like you said, a crisis is something immediate), she's left the appointment with the other client, rather than cancel. Disappointing, but not so horrible I'd quit therapy outright.

So I wouldn't leave over this alone. But if you feel like this is part of a larger pattern of being passed over for others, I'd talk to her about it. That's a crummy way to feel (and something I struggle with too, as I'm quite polite and won't raise a fuss).

I think Anne's suggestion about considering whether someone should treat you differently because of your BPD a really good one. No one person can ever completely meet the needs of another. And when we get angry at someone who can only meet 80% of our needs instead of 100%, we're at risk of throwing away all the good things they offer. (Eg. My best friend is fabulous, meets 90% of what I want in a friend, but she hates board games. I love, love, love them, so I need to call up other friends to meet my board game needs.)

[Wonderfalls]

Not to say you aren't right to be hurt and resentful but it seems like it was a miscommunication between the therapist and the receptionist. A) The therapist should always check her schedule before offering irregular appointments and B) The therapist should instruct the receptionist not to fill newly vacant slots without checking with her first.