The “L” word in therapy

“I think it might also be helpful to consider the connotations of the word "love" in Western culture. I think the love that many clients want to feel and receive is a child's version of love (not speaking of erotic transference as that's a separate issue entirely). But when an adult says to another adult, in an atmosphere that is emotionally charged with very fluid feelings, "I love you," it carries connotations beyond a child's perspective. Those connotations are active unconsciously regardless of what the rational mind perceives.

Love carries mutual responsibilities, yet in a therapeutic relationship, the client has no emotional responsibility for the therapist”

I understand, for me, this ‘love’ is coming from a younger place. It is not erotic love (as you mentioned). I feel ‘love’ and although I have no emotional responsibility for the therapist, this feeling wants to be expressed.

I want her to accept the feeling. I’m confused/unsure whether I want her to return it to me. If she said, ‘I love you, too.’ ...that feels way out of place.

These younger love /caring feelings feel so friggin’ AWKWARD now.. I think it’s because I’ve missed some similar connection in my youth ...in the past. It makes these caring feelings awkward to deal with in the Fall and Winter of my life.

I don’t know what I want from T. I do know I don’t want her to dismiss me or the feelings.

Does that make sense?

Yes that makes sense to me.

I think most people always want their feelings to be accepted, in therapy or outside of therapy. Not being sure if you want the feelings returned isn't just a condition of therapy; I think everyone feels that at times.

I understand, for me, this ‘love’ is coming from a younger place.
What I think is important about this^ is that the feelings are expressive of a young aspect of the personality--but the young aspect is a part of the adult. They're not separate entities. So no feeling is 100% child or 100% adult. The fact that an adult consciousness is expressing the feeling makes it comprised of both child and adult ego states. I guess theoretically, the only exceptions would be someone with DID whose parts were unaware of each other, or if someone has a cognitive impairment for any reason such that they haven't formed a complete adult ego state.

Within therapy all feelings can be heightened. What allows it to be safe and productive is that the therapist doesn't generally merge with the consciousness the client is expressing. If the child aspect says, "I love you," and the T responds, "I love you, too," that message is received both consciously and unconsciously. So both the child and the adult aspects of the personality are taking in the message. I think it's that unconscious confusion that shows itself in the awkward ambiguous feelings .

My T and I talked about love, sorta on Thur, I've hinted at loving him and he uses the word back to me to try to get me to actually say it but I wont yet, anyway, I told him that my bestie is the only person really in my adult life thats ever used that word to me and i do not believe her for one second and he looked completely shocked... really?? he got quiet for a second and went on about things... but in a brief moment i seriously thought he was gonna say it ask me how id feel if he did, i was gonna panic and run out screaming, i do not want to hear that from anyone ever. its hard enough trying to accept that i feel this for someone who isn't a dog, i dont need to pretend like someone would actually love me...

so for me, I hope the L word is only one way. i am completely ok with feeling cared about and like i matter to him, even though currently i dont, i hope that i do again very soon

I'd argue that what is a distortion is a non-mutual adult relationship. Desire to make it mutual seems to me a sign of emotional health.

The literature claims a lot of things, but what matters are outcomes. Most of this transference/attachment stuff is mired in hypothetical rumination about where the feelings "come from" instead of on impact to the client's present reality.

One's response to an engineered therapy relationship should not be seen as an accurate gauge of their relational picture, necessarily. A therapy relationship is an anomaly, and anomalous things produce anomalous effects.

Everyone has unmet needs from childhood. Everyone experienced some sort of trauma. Even those with reasonably healthy early relationships could still possibly respond in odd or extreme ways when presented with the figure of the ambiguous, idealized, role-playing, all-knowing, forever-understanding therapist.

Also, any relationship where the roles are so confused, and where the client has to question whether love is present and in what form, seemingly has good chance of exaccerbating relational problems.