Feeling like a burden

I've been very depressed for about 2 weeks but hiding it from everyone, including my T. I feel like I am a burden to everyone and don't wanna bother them with my drama.

I've had no choice but to "fake it" around my family as I've always done and to force myself to do my job and care for my dog even though I don't want to

I spent the weekend mostly crying and in bed, or chatting with people online. I refused any urge to reach out to my T, because I can't help but feel like a massive burden to him. He deals with me for the hour he is paid, he doesn't need to otherwise.

My best friend was upset with me today when I told her I've been depressed and I've been hiding it from him. Her and I don't talk about deep things so I would not open up to her but she encouraged me to tell him

Anyway so he had told me I could call tonight as my usual session is delayed this week and he cancelled on me, last minute for an Emergency, this has happened quite a bit recently and feeds into my feeling like a burden thing... feeling worthless and unimportant as well.

So I replied kinda snotty and felt bad about it so I replied back apologizing and explaining that I was struggling and just wanted to hear his voice but I understood. He called me. My family was around though so I told him it wasn't a good time for discussing anything deep so he wants to call tomorrow.

I'm supposed to see him Thurs and I appreciate him wanting to call but seriously I don't wanna make him sit and listen to my crap 2 days in a row and one for free. I hate hate hate reaching out to anyone and I feel so awful that he's doing this. I don't wanna talk about any of the stuff either, because honestly, it fixes nothing. The issues are still here when I leave him or hang up.

So what is best to do? I wont reach out anymore, I've done more than enough this week and I'm sickened by it. I don't wanna talk to him tomorrow unless it's just something light to help ease my mood, I wont let him talk about issues for free anymore. I'm not worth it. I have an emotional enough session ahead of me Thur for other reasons so, that's no good. I opened this can of worms and now I regret it.

Not sure where I'm going with this I guess, just needed to vent and some feedback.

I am so glad you were able to reach out to your t !!! I don’t think that is something you would have done in the past, right? I really hope that you are as open as you can be with him about how much you are hurting. You deserve care. He needs to stop being flaky.

Can you write out what you want to say in advance and have it ready?

I really hear you, I don’t have family that is very understanding of mental health issues. Quite the opposite actually.

I am planning to pm you!!!

Actually, before, i used to reach out any time, I felt completely confident in us and I truly believed I matter but that's changed so now I am back to just wanting to leave him be. Feeling like he is better off without me once I leave the office.

I can but I already have two other things I wrote out to talk about. So it's too much. I just really don't see the point in sharing my sadness though, it wont change anything ya know?

Yup. Like you said... it sounds like we're both in the same place.

I can totally identify with feeling like a burden. I hate hate hate being a burden. Being a burden means people leave me. Even people who professed to want to help me, who encouraged me to be open, honest and vulnerable with them, who said I was not too needy and it was okay and offered support.

So... I don't have a lot to offer other than commiseration. But you're not alone.

Can you still get a session in before he goes on vacation. You need that session and he needs to understand that

I do, its Thur. He leaves right after the session. That's why I have a delay this week, I picked that intentionally

I understand DP, as I hate being a burden as well.

What it sounds like to me is that he heard you were upset and called you, and even though you couldn't really talk, he did try to reach out.

I also know that you've been having a rough time with him as well, so I get it.

I haattteee reaching out as well, but my T has never shamed me for reaching out, even if she couldn't actually talk to me. How do you think your T has handled that?

It was always fine before.... but lately things seem different, even though it's mostly the same, I feel something has changed and it bugs me. A few weeks ago, he mentioned in a email something about if clients text on a fri, he wont reply until he has time on mon... which is ok except that he has NEVER had that rule for me... in fact we have texted quite a bit on weekends...

And with him moving me to weekly when I wasn't wanting it, and cancelling on me a few times recently for "crisis", I just feel like he no longer cares, I'm just a worthless piece of crap to him like I am my family. He only cares when I'm there cuz he's paid.

It was nice he called but honestly I didn't ask him to, I didn't want him to. I wanted to hear his voice and just feel better, not keep dwelling in this state of utter sadness.... but all he wanted to was to talk about it.

So ya, I'm convinced he doesn't care or like me anymore and I'm a burden.

Have you asked him about the texting over a weekend? Maybe he had a sudden influx of texting and was over it? My T once mentioned that she couldn't keep up with her texts and it drove her crazy. I worried about it, but I know I only text her when an e-mail isn't "urgent" enough. She also said that it was more group texts that drove her crazy, and well...that clearly wasn't me.

He probably has some sort of family crisis going on, and I would feel upset as well, but I wouldn't take that personally, as hard as that may be.

From what I can tell, I think he may have missed the mark with you, but he also seems to care, despite his family crisis. I highly doubt he is lying to you about it,m but I know how disrupting it feels.

So you were at twice a week, and he just suddenly changed you to once a week without asking?

oh, by crisis i mean, clients, he has cancelled on me because someone else had a crisis... so i got shoved by the wayside....like tonight. luckily I'm used to that from people but i just hoped he was different.

he has a rule about only for crisis times 2x a week, i knew about it from day 1. i had 2 months of 2x a week. he wanted me back at weekly, he seems to think it helps with attachment only i long for him more than ever.

nope i havent brought it up, i dont wanna seem needy. i just will respect the "rule" but its also deterred me from reaching out anymore.

i think a lot of this is me being scared of being close too, like i want him to just go away and leave me alone, before he pushes me away and i hate him. if that makes sense. at the same time, I'm so attached that i think id spiral without him, i mean its 2 extra days this week and I've already gone crazy. i need more constantsy from him like before but i know he's busy so i wont beg for more. we will see, ill probably answer but to be honest, i would bet he wont even remember to call me tomorrow. I'm not that important

I think it's wrong that he has cancelled with you and let you know it was due to another client's crisis. That just doesn't seem right. I'm bothered that he's done this several times, and I'm especially critical about him disclosing that it's for another client. That would have made me feel bad, too, even though I've never felt jealous or insecure about other clients. I also disagree with his decision to unilaterally decrease your session frequency. I've been in therapy a long time (13 years), with two different Ts, and I've never had them cancel on me and tell me it was so they could see someone else, and I am in charge of how often I see them. I know you love this T, but have you considered maybe getting a second one? You deserve support and a reliable T, and it should be your decision how often you meet. Perhaps trying out another T, while still seeing your current T, would be helpful - since it sounds like you can afford 2x/week anyway.

When in CA I had a local t I saw in person and my long term t and I would talk by phone for twenty minutes about once or twice a month. It felt really good to have two people looking out for me. It relieved the pressure of relying on one person. Most therapists don’t like working this way and insurance companies hate it more. I think I paid long term t out of pocket and insurance covered local t. I wish it were more acceptable to get help this way. It feels healthier to have more than one outlet.

The only reason I was able to afford two times is my T has given me a huge deal on session fees. Long story but it was something he ended up doing for me with permission from his boss last year and promised this year, it wouldn't change. I currently pay less than half of the standard fee.

I don't really want another T. I will talk to him about needing to feel like he is more reliable but I also get he is busy and I'm not a priority so I'm not expecting much. I don't really need two T's. It's taken me so long to really trust this one and I'm still working at it. We will see what happens.

Well he never actually said "its for another client" but he says he has a crisis session. So it's kinda obvious. IT happens...and I know I'm not important so I get it. We are not really at a rupture or anything, he's still good to me. It's just me, wanting to push everyone away and be alone. It's how I've coped for over 30 yrs

I think this is a form of therapy in and of itself - being able to "shoot the ****" with someone that you can trust to be there with and for you. Before things went bad with my T, we used to do this all the time and it's honestly one of the things I miss the most about him now. It was just so refreshing to be able to talk about TV shows we both watched, sports teams we both followed, what his kids were up to in school, how utterly incompetent people at my previous job were, etc. without feeling judged for being stupid or negative or lacking.

Can you ask him if you can keep the conversation light today or does he not do that?

ML

Yep i can. We do it often. I think my life outside of him is so negative i just like being happy when I'm with him for that hour. We do light and casual often. Very friend like

And of course he forgets to call today, silly me thinking I was important enough to remember for a short call

Think it's a sign to say goodbye. he obviously doesn't care

Ugh, I'm sorry. Is it possible he thought you'd let him know if you wanted him to call? I'd see how your session goes tomorrow...

I’m so sorry.

LT nope it was his idea

Last night I said it wasn't a good time and he said "Would you like me to call tomorrow?"

I said "Sure, if you want, you can" and he said "Alright, speak soon" and then apparently he didn't want....

And I'm planning to cancel tonight. I can't keep caring about someone who keeps forgetting me

I think you should at least go to session to talk to him. Especially with his going away. Tell him how upset you're feeling, that you feel like he's ignoring you and choosing other clients over you. You seem to have had a really good relationship--hopefully he can make things right. But it's better to do in person.

We had a good relationship. I cant keep demanding attention to someone who thinks I'm not worth it. I even texted about missing the call. No call. No reply. Its too late to bother now. He wont answer this hour any more

I think that you should tell him everything that you are feeling and that you have posted here. Tell him you feel like a burden and how you feel when he cancels. His behavior may be bringing up things from your past (?) so I think that you being assertive and telling him exactly how you feel could potentially really help you. I would hope that your T would take you seriously and work towards a solution. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

I'll tell him the burden thing but not about canceling, that's ridiculous. I can't expect to have more value than people who really need it at the time. It's fine, luckily, I've a life time of experience of being last and an afterthought. So its fine. We will see what today brings. Hopefully not a nightmare since he is leaving and I can't bother him on the trip

What do you talk about if you don't talk about your problems? He gets paid to listen to problems. I think you should tell him about your depression.

We keep it light. Usually phobia stuff or job hunting etc.
I hate being deep and emotional. We dont often. I like having him as someone i enjoy being around and some happiness. Most of my life im miserable so its a nice change. Right now top priority is fixing this mess i created. If we are not ok anymore. Im walking out