Hey. Sorry I haven't been responding to posts lately. I have been coming on with the intention to at least read... and I end up getting through half of one post before I sign off. The depression is awful.

I had my session with T yesterday. We permanently changed our sessions to Saturdays, which I really like. There was so much I wanted to talk about with him. I talked about almost nothing. I cried on and off for an hour and a half. One tissue was required because my eye makeup was beginning to run a bit.

T said something that meant a lot to me. He said, "I'm mad at your depression. I'm not mad at you, but I'm really, really angry at your depression. I don't like what it does to you... and I don't like what it does to us in sessions." When I am depressed I don't engage well with him at all.

Then he went on to say that he wanted to do whatever he could do that would help to alleviate this.

We were in room #7 again with the close chairs. I had given him some letters from this past week. I gave them to him to read to himself b/c I refuse to read them out loud. In one of them, I wrote about how much I liked being close to him like that. Then in a tiny font, I wrote how I sort of wanted to hold the big stuffed penguin in that room. Or him.

When I was crying T asked me if I wanted to hold the stuffed penguin. I told him I didn't (even though I did). He said, "Are you sure?" And I said that I didn't because that would mean I was giving in to the little kid feelings right there in front of him and I hate the little kid. He said, "An adult can't want to hold a stuffed animal?" True. But still....

[MissCharlotte]

I wish I could hold the stuffed penguin. And I am a hell of a lot older than you. Go ahead, give it a try...I bet it feels good. And, you can pretend it's T.

There's nothing remotely as interesting in T's office.

I hope room #7 is yours forever.

Peace

(((((pink)))))

Its ok about not answering posts. I know what depression can do too! I'm so glad you're T said that he sounds so so nice! You have a wonderful T, I pray so badly that you get better asap. I love you very much...you're a great friend.

Dustin

[Perna]

I've missed your posting but that's not something you should apologize for.

What's your address again? :-) Stuffed penguin on the way! Take your own then you won't need his; probably has cooties on it anyway! LOL

[ECHOES]

((( pink ))))

I think it is really hard to post, and sometimes even to read, when the depression is hammering away. Like you said about it affecting your ability to engage in therapy; it's just hard to think and to articulate when I feel depressed.
Did you see the new pdoc and get your lithium levels checked?

I love that your T hates your depression because he hates how it makes you feel bad, and it takes you away from him and he misses you then. I love that he said that in such detail and it sounds very caring.

Did he respond the way you wanted him to about holding the penquin?

I'm glad you posted so we know how you are doing.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Flowerb]

I want to take in my own stuffed friend but don't have the courage...

I think it is cool that you shared your writings with your T. I'd like to be able to do more of that. Lately I write in my head and it doesn't make it to paper. I wonder if he can hear me talking to him - does it feel like psychic intrusion?

I hope your depression lifts soon. It sure gets in the way of everything, doesn't it. How are you doing with your own clients in this cloud? I'm sure they sense it and worry about you too.

[Rapunzel]

Hey there, Pink

I often think about you, even when I'm not keeping up with this forum as well as I would like. I wonder how you are doing with your own clients, as much as you are struggling, too. I'm close to being in the same boat, since I'm finally starting practicum too. And I have my regular clients at work, but somehow it's not really an issue with them because they are just different (developmentally disabled). But don't you have those days when you don't feel like dealing with people? I do. What do you do when you have to deal with people and don't feel like it?

I hope that you feel better soon, and that you can engage with T and feel the connection and find your way out of the dark cloud.

[RACEKA]

I take my stuffed bear to therapy with me. I hold him and it gives me comfort. My T understands and is ok with it.

[Perna]

I have a miniature, 2-3 inch jointed "jester" bear I use to carry around with me as my "protector". I named him "Queen's Knight" :-) But at one point I gave him to my T to hold/keep until I asked for him back. It was odd, it felt like he was being held hostage even though I was the one who had freely given him to T. But I tried to do what would make Queen's Knight proud of me, what I had learned from him about protecting and taking care of myself :-) It all turned out well.