Therapy ruptures

I understand that I should still be concerned about what it all means. I think he does have a hard time not taking my stuff personally or not discerning his baggage from mine. I don’t think it is malicious or intentional in any way. I am encouraged that he went back to his own regular therapy as of late last year.

He is a double edged sword. He is about as about as authentic and caring as I could hope for in a t. But he is much messier as a person and a professional.

On the other hand, I am a very self aware and experienced client. I’m no spring chicken. I am in a place in my life where I think I’m better prepared to take that risk with an imperfect but well meaning t.

I’ll try to keep an eye out for additional red flags though. It is not a bad thing that you guys call me out on it.

This sounds like a wise and certainly self-aware compromise. I personally had the other way around with therapists - professionalism was (or would have been) most important for me and preferred if authenticity and vulnerability did not interfere with that. I think feeling this way for me was a reflection (projection) of how I want to be, and tend to be, in professional roles as well. My problems in that area sometimes arise from not wanting to deal with emotional and people issues (sometimes overly dismissive) and wanting to focus on competency and productivity primarily. It's better as a good balance.

I think Kashi can feel lucky to have such an open-minded, tolerant, adaptable client as you are. If he is well-meaning, he probably learns from working with you a lot.

The bottom line from my consultant ts during my rupture was, can the t still help you?

Thank you for this. I feel like I manage a lot of my own process these days just need t to assist.

How did session go tonight?

Tonight was pretty good although not as good as last night. I tried going through the rest of the list in my journal but this time I felt like I was explaining my experience badly. I don’t know if he understood me as well today but he was trying. It helped that he said that although he does not say I love you to patients, if that were to change I would be the most likely person he’d say it to. But he does care deeply for me. He wanted to know what response would feel ok if I said I love you to him and he could not say it back? He said he sometimes runs into this in public places with young children. When they say I love you to him as a random stranger he says “thank you that makes me feel good”. So he says something similar to me only he add and it makes me feel valued. It doesn’t feel fully satisfying. So he asked are you going to say it to me again because it looks like you want to say something. I said it then he said what if this is my response? Then held out his arms to hug me. That is the only thing that felt ok. Lots of things feel like a rejection but that does not. All this might sound strange out of context but we talked a lot about relationships outside of therapy and how I have to censor myself so I don’t scare them with my depressive thoughts

Grpwly
Im jealous of you right now. I think my t is so different idk anymore. I wish we could have moments like that. I'm glad it worked for you.

Do I don’t want you to feel jealous. I really think that you just need to fully tell your t what is going on for you. You don’t want to feel like a burden so I think you don’t tell t how badly you feel get it out there and tell him he is hurting you. Then I think yours will course correct as mine has.

Ow. That would hurt my feelings.

Did you continue?

Wow, you are courageous.