[DP_2017]

Any advice? I've always had jealousy issues. Especially with other women. My t knows. I'm finding lately that the more close to him I feel...the worse it is.

I'm jealous of anyone who gets to know him without limits. I think about that stuff often.

I try distracting myself but my mind wont stop. Even watching t.v. I think about who he's with and how much fun they are having.

It's bad mentally but not to a degree I'd hurt anyone. It's more that I feel worse about myself. Thinking how little I matter compared to others and how much he likes them over me. Sometimes it feels like these thoughts swallow my mind and I get depressed.

Idk what else to do. Distraction isn't working

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. That is super hard. I sometimes wish I could be besties with my T..... not even besties, I wish she could be my sister. One thing that helps is I try and remind myself when these feelings come up is that it's ok to have them, sometimes fighting that feeling can just make it worse. I try and acknowledge it and understand that it's ok to have it and sometimes I try and pinpoint what other relationships I have felt that way during just to try to understand it a little more. It usually ends with me reminding myself that, even though i pay her for her time, our relationship is real and unique because all relationships are in some way or another. Just because there are boundaries, does not mean there isn't real caring on both sides.

[MoxieDoxie]

You know I think me getting real young T's has helped me NOT to have that kind of transference. I do get this motherly feeling for one of them. I want to feed him and tuck him in. LOL

[Favorite Jeans]

There are few feelings I find more uncomfortable to have than jealousy. It's so hard. Other than observing and accepting the feeling in a mindful way, my thought about jealousy (and its BFF resentment) is to look at what I'm missing and what I need.

Like if I were fixating on other people getting to be with my T, I'd try to identify what the fantasy of me having lots of time with my T was about. Is it a wish for love? Comfort? A sense of being cared about and understood? Then I can go about trying to address that need as best I can.

In my life that's been a multi-year task. But still, my life usually gets better when I try to understand the needs that underlie jealousy. Right now I'm having a lot of jealousy about stuff. I never used to be particularly materialistic before but I now walk into people's lovely kitchens and feel the economic losses of my divorce like a ton of shameful bricks on my head. My apartment is nice but the kitchen is a bit awful. My old kitchen was super lovely. Anyway. That's my jealous thing I'm working on.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

There are few feelings I find more uncomfortable to have than jealousy. It's so hard. Other than observing and accepting the feeling in a mindful way, my thought about jealousy (and its BFF resentment) is to look at what I'm missing and what I need.

Like if I were fixating on other people getting to be with my T, I'd try to identify what the fantasy of me having lots of time with my T was about. Is it a wish for love? Comfort? A sense of being cared about and understood? Then I can go about trying to address that need as best I can.

In my life that's been a multi-year task. But still, my life usually gets better when I try to understand the needs that underlie jealousy. Right now I'm having a lot of jealousy about stuff. I never used to be particularly materialistic before but I now walk into people's lovely kitchens and feel the economic losses of my divorce like a ton of shameful bricks on my head. My apartment is nice but the kitchen is a bit awful. My old kitchen was super lovely. Anyway. That's my jealous thing I'm working on.

Makes sense but I have no clue, other than we seem to click and I love being around him, he makes me happy. However generally speaking, I'm not a people person, I prefer to be alone and enjoy my own company or my dogs. I just want him, no one else.... so not sure. We can try to talk about it but he doesn't seem to phased when I bring it up, not sure he thinks it's serious.

Yes it's very uncomfortable. I do my best not to bother him, give him space and such, so I don't come off too strong or become too much but I think about him all the time, even while walking my dog, because he and I do that together at my sessions, sigh... multi year huh? No fun

I guess what I want is to not feel limited, it makes me feel horrible about myself and less than everyone else. It is insanely frustrating that I can't just be or do what I want, like an adult.... but everyone else he is with who isn't a client can. Completely worthless feeling

[mostlylurking]

It might help to focus on what you do have, with him. For instance, compared to a casual acquaintance you are much more free to bring up any topic you want to, no matter how personal, unusual, sad, angry, or so on. Only a very, very close friend of his could bring up really anything they want to at all, at any moment. He probably has very few people in his life who would feel free to do this, without being his client.

It's also unusual to have someone's very directed attention for an extended time like 50 minutes. This level of intensity is something that, in "real life," might happen on a first date that's going spectacularly well, or between two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time but who pick right back up again. It's not really all that common to have someone truly thinking about every word you say for 50 minutes straight. I am grateful to have very close friends and I pay attention to them intently, but we are still interrupted by waiters at the restaurant, eating, texts coming in from kids, someone in the next booth we can't help overhearing, and other things.

It is an unnaturally structured relationship, yes, but you do have a close relationship with your T.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

It might help to focus on what you do have, with him. For instance, compared to a casual acquaintance you are much more free to bring up any topic you want to, no matter how personal, unusual, sad, angry, or so on. Only a very, very close friend of his could bring up really anything they want to at all, at any moment. He probably has very few people in his life who would feel free to do this, without being his client.

It's also unusual to have someone's very directed attention for an extended time like 50 minutes. This level of intensity is something that, in "real life," might happen on a first date that's going spectacularly well, or between two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time but who pick right back up again. It's not really all that common to have someone truly thinking about every word you say for 50 minutes straight. I am grateful to have very close friends and I pay attention to them intently, but we are still interrupted by waiters at the restaurant, eating, texts coming in from kids, someone in the next booth we can't help overhearing, and other things.

It is an unnaturally structured relationship, yes, but you do have a close relationship with your T.

Ya some good points, but you only get 50 min?! I get at least 60, which I am grateful for but many times he goes over.

still, they get to hang out and know him more, thats' what I want, it's so hard having this connection with someone, something I rarely find in life and not being able to do anything with it.... sigh...

[SummerTime12]

I wish I had good advice but I feel for you. I used to be sooo jealous of my Ts family, I don’t know why I’m not anymore but it seems to have faded with time. Similar to what others said, I like to think about the way he pays attention to me and that he probably doesn’t do that with those in his personal life. It’s still hard though.

[mostlylurking]

I think 50 minutes is a standard "therapy hour" but actually I only get 45.

This is the sort of stuff you talk to your T about.
No one here can offer advise because we do not know your history. No one can connect the dots for you, to bring awareness as to what the jealousy is about. Only you and your T can do that.

[DP_2017]

Ya I suppose you are right, Mouse, just was hoping not to go there. He may get spooked cuz this feels obsessive. I don't think there is any cure for it anyway though. We will see if I decide to bring it up again at some point

[SalingerEsme]

From a far distance, about 10,000 idealized yards from that feeling of love,is supposed to be the shape of what you're wanting for your future life that you didnt know before.

That's the theory, that even though no"real" loves allowed to come into fruition between a patient and a therapist, the emotional experience becomes a teacher and a way of looking in a mirror into deeper desires or things that would be fulfilling the future, drawn from the actual world.

That is no consolation for the individual feeling of love for an individual person. Therapy is really fraught with landmines and pain this way and some joys too.

A therapist cannot love back a client in that normal ways; what is left that they can do? I think what they wants to give us the skills, experiences ,courgage,motivation to send us out into the real world when we are ready to love a person who is not the T.

[DP_2017]

Except that I don't like people much and don't want a relationship. It's not teaching me anything. I already KNOW it will end with me hurt, that's how life always is for me, no matter what.... it's why I like to keep to myself.

Still doesn't help with the jealousy.

And what a sad world we live in where there is rules about who you can feel love for and such.... thankfully we have dogs.

[toomanycats]

There aren't rules on who can feel love
Love just IS
you can't control feeling it

[DP_2017]

Tmc...

In this type of situation there is. Hence why we are told to "work through it" and why t's would never be open aboit such things. Love doesnt have to be romantic but rules of therapy assume just that, sadly

At any rate. Still insanely jealous.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Except that I don't like people much and don't want a relationship. It's not teaching me anything. I already KNOW it will end with me hurt, that's how life always is for me, no matter what.... it's why I like to keep to myself.

Still doesn't help with the jealousy.

And what a sad world we live in where there is rules about who you can feel love for and such.... thankfully we have dogs.

So THAT'S some fodder for therapy... if you choose to go there. I mean if you really want to use your therapy to tackle the big stuff, you kind of have to show your cards. Which I KNOW is a lot easier said than done.

In my opinion it's worth exploring the "what then?" of "it will end with me getting hurt." Of course you will be hurt. Any important relationship involves hurt and every relationship ends. But that doesn't make it not worthwhile. I suspect your feelings about your T are trying to tell you that you are, in fact, a social animal who wants love and care. Resilience and humour and community can help with the hurt, even if you're an introvert-bordering-on-misanthrope. Plus dogs. The richness might be worth it?

[maybeblue]

For me jealousy happens when my needs for love, companionship, whatever are not being met. I sometimes feel jealous when my husband spends a lot of time with his friends or a lot of time on the phone or whatever. I finally realized that the problem wasn't really the attention that he was giving them. It was that I was trying to get all of my social needs met by him. So I started developing other relationships, which isn't easy but it was worth it. His behavior hasn't changed, but I am less jealous now because my needs are being met by other people.

Originally Posted by maybeblue

For me jealousy happens when my needs for love, companionship, whatever are not being met. I sometimes feel jealous when my husband spends a lot of time with his friends or a lot of time on the phone or whatever. I finally realized that the problem wasn't really the attention that he was giving them. It was that I was trying to get all of my social needs met by him. So I started developing other relationships, which isn't easy but it was worth it. His behavior hasn't changed, but I am less jealous now because my needs are being met by other people.

Wow. This really hit home for me. Thank you for sharing this.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

For me jealousy happens when my needs for love, companionship, whatever are not being met. I sometimes feel jealous when my husband spends a lot of time with his friends or a lot of time on the phone or whatever. I finally realized that the problem wasn't really the attention that he was giving them. It was that I was trying to get all of my social needs met by him. So I started developing other relationships, which isn't easy but it was worth it. His behavior hasn't changed, but I am less jealous now because my needs are being met by other people.

This exactly. If you're getting your needs met, you're much less likely to feel jealous. It isn't necessarily about romance or whatever. But I am wondering if your T is truly the only person in the world who can make you feel happy and connected and fulfilled. I think that's the thing you should think about working through in therapy, even though it is difficult and painful and confusing.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

thankfully we have dogs.

Yes, I love my dogs so much

Originally Posted by DP_2017

In this type of situation there is. Hence why we are told to "work through it" and why t's would never be open aboit such things. Love doesnt have to be romantic but rules of therapy assume just that, sadly

At any rate. Still insanely jealous.

Didn't you say in another post that your T accepted your love as that of a friend or family? I think the "rules of therapy" don't assume that all love is romantic at all. I think that, if anything, most T's understand that there are many different kinds of love, the good ones do anyway. Have you considered the possibility that you might be projecting that feeling, those fears, on to your T?

I agree that maybe stepping out and getting some outside relationships might be beneficial to the whole jealousy thing. I know you say that it's not what you were going for and it's impossible for you to have a relationship with anyone but aren't your feelings toward your T proof that it is possible?

There are boundaries in place for therapy, "rules" if you want to call them that, but they are there to keep both of you safe. I wonder if you aren't focusing too much on what you can't do right now as opposed to what you CAN do. Is it possible to just accept him, accept what he can give you, and just be grateful that he is in your life and use him as a tool to help improve things outside of that room. After all, that's all a T really is, a tool to help better ourselves.... right?

[Myrto]

As much as you want to deny it, if you had meaningful relationships outside therapy, ie in the real world, I think you wouldn't focus so much on your therapist. But since you don't and your therapist showers you with attention (and frankly with terrible boundaries but that's another topic) it seems you get your human needs met and you feel like you don't need to form outside relationships. Real life relationships are also more difficult than therapy relationships because they're two-sided, because it's about give and take and that means having to consider the other person's feelings. I'm not suprised so many clients end up idealizing the "relationship" with their therapist: it's a fantasy. The fantasy of one person completely focused on you and seeming to have no needs of their own. But it's not real. It can't be real. That would be exhausting.

[DP_2017]

I'm well aware of how friends work. I have a bff i talk to daily. I have 4 internet friends i chat with regularly and even video.
When i used to have a big group of local friends i got mentally sick of them after a hr or so and hated doing things.
I would very much be ok with give aspect of t
He's human after all. I also hate attention. Always have. I get very uncomfortable in session if its too much on me. A big reason he shares alot. I need that
I've no interest in going out to meet more new ppl to hopefully trust enough and enjoy hanging with. Been there. Sick of it ending.
I've learned to enjoy my own company. I love being with dogs over people. My t is fun and i merely am jealous of people not limited and can be a normal adult and get to know him or hang
Sadly if other ppl is the only solutions. Not happening. Can't force someone to hang out with people who enjoys solitude mostly. Even my t has stopped bothering me about it. It's not happening
F a random friendship happens someday. Cool. If no. Not ending my world. I dont need new people.
I'll just have to accept I'll never be good enough for what i want. I'm always gonna be less than.
Anyway...not much advice here. Maybe ill bring it up again someday but more than likely not. Nothing he can do to change it.

Also yes he handled my love thing well and his own words was like friend or family. Sorry i forgot that part

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I'll just have to accept I'll never be good enough for what i want. I'm always gonna be less than. Anyway...not much advice here. Maybe ill bring it up again someday but more than likely not. Nothing he can do to change it.

That sounds very defeatest. If you just accept things as they are, they will never change because you're right, he can't do anything to change it. That is your job. If you don't like something, if you don't like the way things are, if you don't like how you are feeling, you can change it. You're in charge of you. You have control over you.

I understand the frustration over the feelings that arise in therapy, I really do. I have transferrence issues and I have struggled with jealousy too. It happens. What matters isn't as much how your T deals with it, its how YOU decide to deal with it.

Best of luck to you.

[stopdog]

Maybe these have advice that would be more palatable:

Jealous of another client in psychotherapy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-your-jealousy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...nd-their-cures

Overcoming Jealousy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...jealousy-habit

https://www.unk.com/blog/3-technique...ting-jealousy/