Ghosting/ Break Up

I adore my psychologist, and in my heart I would like to repair the relationship and stay. However, we are in a stuck place, that hurts me and to which he seems indifferent- another day, another patient.

I have vastly improved and grown with him; I have struggled and suffered too. It has hurt my real life relationships, bc T has a weird command presence. and I look to him first and most. Hehe, he does not ( appropriately) return the favor.

Actually he seems less into me then when he was fascinated by my "extreme" case and the street cred factor of the case ; my nightmares are now his hoh hum yawn. Mainly his empathy has dwindled lots.

He used to say, stay the course, I will be right with you; now he say I am a doctor and you are my patient, this is a medical procedure.

It is almost funny like when an early romance gives way to daily life. Except these are serious taboo topics and he has pushed, so,so hard .

I really care for the history we have and the work we have done, but I feel cheapened now by my crying after sessions while he buys his kids tickets to Hamilton and clips his fingernails .

I walked out mid session today for the first time ever. I never act out- I know it is wrong communication. I was bored and not connected. I have never left through the tears,dissociation,fights, prolonged exposures, the hard stuff nor skipped a session.

Should I ghost? I have tried hard to communicate how unhappy I am.

I went and saw a different T ,but my relationship with T1 preoccupies me.

The other T is much looser, hugs, and went 70 minutes, but I cant imagine telling him real things. I am trauma-bonded to my real T I guess, imprinted like a duckling.

I still feel like I would like to stay with my first( and only ) T, because I am clear he is a splendid person and councilor with rock solid ethics. It is just that he is harsh, and not listening right now.

I feel like my pride and heart has taken about all I can/ should romsomeone who implored me to trust him.

Can you take a break from t 1 and try out t 2 for awhile?

I would call or write and say I was not coming back. I do not believe in paying a therapist to tell them I am leaving them.

I am afraid T1 would never let come back, and that relationship seems unhealthy- kind of enmeshed . In real life I do much better balancing than with T- He is an authority figure to me though y same age, and I cant help but try and please hime all the time. I get mad at myself.

I second this--it really helped me. It may be good to let T1 know you're taking a break though instead of just ghosting. It will take you a little time to feel comfortable with a different T--it can be hard to judge on just one session (for example, I had a very different impression of my current T in our first couple sessions than I do now).

Could you send him what you wrote above? You said it so eloquently. You could use his reaction to your thoughts and feelings about this to determine whether to stay with him or not.

I also agree a break from him might be good and to go see another therapist for a few weeks.

I'm sorry you're finding this so painful.

One thing you helped me figure out last week, is how gender influenced the relationship is. Right now, there is a dynamic I would never allow in my personal life, of me trying to elict empathy and him backing off from giving it like he used to. My instinct is then to back off even further, and even go seeT2. This shouldn't be part of therapy, especially with a male therapist treating a female rape victim. He has been so so there, so caring, and really proving he can talk about everything without a yuck factor, and he has . Now that we have moved on topics, it is like he closed his heart me when it was widely opened for reasons unknown to me ,and I am tired of facing that change in him 2x a week.

I want to draw a line of pride- and just not go back.

I abby no means in love with my T,but my life this year has ben a nonstop conversation with him about secrets no one else knows. Its makes a bond. I feel kind of betrayed it is likely a one-way bond, and that his caring so intense was likely fake or at least intentional.

You had fights with your therapist? I can't imagine how that felt. My last therapist pushed my buttons and I ghosted her.

I sometimes think your T (and other "boundary ninjas" too) might be terrified of what might happen if he were not super rigid about every boundary ever. Maybe he had a transgression in the past or maybe he saw it happen to a colleague, who knows. But it does lead him to be harsh I think. Many T's will cross boundaries -- I don't mean the big ones, but some of their general everyday boundaries -- where it is of clear benefit to the client, which in your case right now, it seems like it would be, to help repair things. I know it might feel foreign to meet with a T who is not a boundary ninja, but it might be worth giving it a few sessions. Can you manage two T's for just a few weeks?

I think T's should try to be consistent over time, and certainly shouldn't go in the direction of becoming colder. And -- maybe I shouldn't say this, but -- he made that absurd statement about therapy being a medical procedure on the same day that he -- "apropos of nothing" you had said, brought up affairs. My T says that seemingly random changes of topic can be illuminating and that's why he doesn't direct the conversation in session. Your T made a really cold (and incredibly patronizing) statement about the therapy relationship and then mentioned affairs shortly after that -- I feel like he could be afraid of closeness with clients and if so, I imagine you're being hurt by that. (I know I'm speculating, just sharing my spidey sense on this one? Which is worth what you paid for it!)

If your attempts to explain your feelings just feel like a bid for closeness from him, and he just keeps getting icier and more boundaried because that bid for closeness makes him uncomfortable or afraid -- I'm not sure how to remedy that dynamic. If it were me I would ghost, but then if it were me, I'd have ghosted at the "medical procedure" comment.

(I don’t want to hijjack the thread, just wondering what the opposite of a boundary ninja is. a boundary slob?)

Obviously this has to be your decision, but here are some things that I would consider if it were me: In the last few months has seeing him made you better or worse? One bad session isn't enough for me to give up...but a pattern over months? Have you directly and specifically told him what bothers you and asked if he can change something and he refuses?

If you do decide to quit, will you feel better if you have some closure? Writing a letter is fine if that is all you can manage, but I would want him to respond to me, even if he were defensive. The one time I fired a therapist for cause I called him up and told him. It kind of felt good too...like I was dealing with him as an adult.

And yes it is hard to start over with a new therapist, but I promise he's not the only good one out there. And I've noticed that whenever I switch therapists I start making more rapid progress for awhile.

A boundary Barney Fife.

Where does he see you going, that he doesnt want to follow you? Have you talked about that?

Yeah, it's really important that you talk with your therapist about exactly what you've written in this thread. You "must say that thing which you cannot say".

This. This is so right. We had a period of being extremely close, and it seemed he decided to stop that. He didnt talk to me about it though . I think he was caught up in proving he was everything not #me too, and he is tired of it now and is kind of a guy's guy in a conventional way- kind but not interested in sensitive gender issues.

He treated returning military and speicial opps who needed to process horrible things they saw before going home to the USA using prolonged exposure therapy. Short intense therapy .

I dont know if he likes private practice or longer term clients overall, but there is a dynamic that is weird, about his wife being iffy about him treating female clients or something like that. He has made passing comments over time, and he works a four day week to be intensively there for his family. I am not allowed to ask questions, so I dont. But back when I was one of the first patients of the new practice, and things were more relaxed, I got the inkling she is sick in some way - cancer maybe- or had been in the past.

We went through a stage in which he was hanging on my every word, and giving me so much encouragement- he is a very good writer and really creative and artistic with metaphor in therapy- I enjoy that so much; I think he wasn't used to having a client who was a peer just in terms of acknowledging his insight into books, paintings or whatever. He seemed starved for that type of conversation.

I don't know what happened. It feels like when a relationship breaks up or an affair ends, but there was no affair and nothing even close on either side. He has a 3 foot rule from all clients and a no touching rule.

That affair comment bothers me- sticks out. It is very much like he decided between his wife and me and chose the wife, but there was no affair always awesome boundaries on both sides. He got wrapped up in my story though, and I admit it felt good to have him so curious and tender and trying to be the therapist-as-hero, lending me anger, imagining my world.

Now I have this sense of showing up to the same space, but things are different, and it makes no sense to me and it hurts freshly every session. We keep fighting, and he suddenly wants present himself the reductive way orin this inflated way- can't decide-as the doctor doing medical procedure with the patients. What!? That isnt what I signed up for. Before he said the relationship was everything, was corrective and would change my neurons or something talking to intensely with eye contact like that. ???????? What is happening. I feel the need to take a stand, just for pride sake or to say no to this new paradigm.

Also ,he usually sees me for a fifty minute hour, which I assumed was standard. He told me the standard time is 45 but we go over. This confused me too- what does that mean? No more that?

If his wife has cancer, that may be the source of his lack of connection to you. Perhaps he has changed with all of his clients. It would make sense that it would be difficult to set that aside for sessions, and he probably can't just switch occupations-and maybe him quitting as your T would be even more painful.

I don't know that this means you should stay with T: that decision would depend on whether he is helping you. But maybe if that is what is going on it would be less painful for you to accept.

That's interesting& evocative. We have been talking alot about my current relationship,and if I should get married for a second time, and how the past influences the present in that domain. We used to talk about core trauma , but we agreed give the intensity of that a break for awhile to recuperate ? I think that simply makes me a less interesting client.

My loose impression is that this was in their 30's or very early , so they adopted their kids. I dont believe she is sick now, or maybe she is chronically. I just don t know. It is a chronic dynamic though,not a crisis.

It's 1 am here, and Icant sleep. Wonder if my T is sleeping soundly . Once he said he never thought about work once he left the office for the day, but once he said of course he thought about his work.

We had our worst session ever today. In a way, I feel I have been forthcoming, vulnerable , and honest like he has been working on me to be more of - it is up to him to do his part.

He knows I have never missed a session, and I told him things felt destructive, and that I was going to take off this next session tot try and find balance and breathe. It worries me it is almost acting out,andI have schooled myself not to ever do that. I feel like it is all falling apart.

He said it is my time, and I can use it how I need to. I told him I used to feel boundaries and caring in equal measure, but now I felt the boundaries but not the caring. He mirrored me back: you felt I left you without a net after the last sessions, you feel you're just a generic patient when were not talking about horrible things and I lose interest.

Then he gave the five-minute warning and I walked out right then. So unlike me- my own behavior bothers me too. Can't sleep. Isnt therapy supposed to help?

SE, I'm gonna be honest, I'm not a fan of your T. I think it's gross the way he treated you like some sort of unusual specimen due to your history. I also frequently get the impression that he's rather overconfident and patronizing. I wouldn't ghost him, but I'd probably look for a different T.