In which I get an extra session and it's total crap

I think what you said makes sense as only you know your t FJ. She seems to be a very good therapist otherwise but perhaps she was a little disappointed as she seen this as a relapse or lack of progress but as you rightly pointed out, you just needed her to sit with you and listen. Perhaps she went into a place a lot of therapists go to with crises/ emergencies, they go into a place of doing rather than holding/ containing.
I find it very helpful when t begins a easily with what would help you most today Mona?
Sometimes ambiguity can drive ts crazy. Are you ok now FJ? Maybe your t can really hear how awful those nights are this week.

In my experience it can be difficult for anyone, T or otherwise, to know how to support me and even when I am being as clear as I possibly can about what I need, it's still not that clear. Part of what I have tried to move towards is not so tightly scripting what I need people to say and do, but being more accepting of what they offer me.

Thanks Mona. I'm better. Sleep is an amazing thing, isn't it?

I've been facing so many stressors on so many fronts. Dissolving a marriage is hard. With kids it's super hard. With an ex who is unpredictably unreasonable, often unstable, emotionally volatile-to-abusive and sometimes just mean, it's another layer of hard. Plus finances and lawyers are a nightmare (said ex refuses to work and is entitled to support), one child has been quite ill for a few months (getting better), work is demanding and there's been mild drama, elderly relative with dementia just fired their caregiver, I basically eat anxiety three meals a day and have little appetite for food, I look haggard... I feel burnt out.

And my friends are like "you need a vacation" and I think "OMG, it's very complicated and maybe a bit shameful to explain how this has come to be but though we earn roughly the same (relatively large) amount of money, I actually can't afford a pair of shoes at the moment much less a vacation." Which makes me feel like everyone else has it completely together and is leading a perfect life and I'm the only one who has messed up so badly. It's very easy for me to fall into regret/shame/self-blame for everything and imagine that there is no end to this and I will suffocate under the weight of it etc, etc.

Anyway. I don't want or expect anything very spectacular from my T. Just that outside validation that yes, it's hard, no, it isn't All My Fault and I'm doing what I can to take responsibility for me and contribution to this, this isn't forever, it's Very Sad, I'm allowed to be Very Sad... all that standard therapy fare but just repeated frequently because it takes a long time to get through this.

FJ -- since your T appears to be perhaps a quarter kilometer off the reservation, here's a solid set of hugs

You're dealing with a bunch of gawdawfully hard, terribly painful things and I just hope you get some respite soon......and that includes your T literally and metaphorically sitting her posterior in her no-doubt-comfortable chair and have you really feel like she's just being with.

You are going through a lot right now FJ and you are coping very well, all things considering.
It’s struggle to keep your head above the ground, you are so very allowed to be sad, you are entitled to feel whatever way you like, no explanation needed. I know you have been struggling with your ex for a very long time and that can make you tired, haggard and hopeless. This isn’t forever and it’s not your fault. There is no limit on how low my you should or shouldn’t feel like this.
I certainly hope you are not blaming and shaming yourself and are being kind to yourself
I am sorry your t did not have much empathy but please have some for yourself and your situation

Thanks you guys. I heart you.

She always has soooo much empathy for all the divorce and parenting stuff. And all the loss, grief and stress and all that. Empathy, endless patience and unwavering confidence that I'll figure it out and and get myself and the kids through it intact.

But something weird happened last week. I'm not sure if I looked and sounded totally different from my usual self and that threw her off her game? Maybe she accidentally got served a triple espresso latte instead of her usual half-caf that morning? Maybe I scared her? Maybe her patience ran out all at once? Visited by aliens the night before? Anything can happen.

Those are my best guesses. I mean she even asked whether I believed in Higher Power. I've been seeing her for nearly 7 yrs and we've NEVER touched on the issue of god/prayer. (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in passing that I consider myself an atheist). All of a sudden she's asking if I PRAY? It was like she felt that we'd just left the realm of normal therapy and had entered Hail Mary territory or something. It was so weird. It scared me frankly. I'd have felt less weird if she'd suggested going to the emergency room.

To be clear, I was not telling her that I was acutely suicidal, nor was I feeling acutely suicidal. I did not need medical attention but the emergency room is at least a paradigm I understand. Meanwhile, as awful as I may have looked or sounded, I just wanted the same old, same old from her. No breakthroughs, no masterful insight. Just the ol' hear me, empathize, offer your steady reassuring presence.

I wouldn't normally mind talking about spiritual practice. It's a good and potentially important topic and I have a lot of questions and thoughts about it. But it was kind of tone deaf in that moment, you know? I was like, please I need support from you now. And she was like, effed if I know how to do that! how 'bout you go ask GOD! Oh wait? Is that even a thing for you? I mean, if it is, it could be helpful! Also Kleenex! I have more Kleenex!

It was like she'd been possessed or something.

My t told me before that she'd thought I was possessed (that awful session in July). I think mine was possessed last time.

Wow, sorry you had to endure all of that. The tissue box thing was completely unnecessary, all she had to do was give you one of hers for Pete’s sake!! At the end of the day , you PAID her for that extra session, she had the time to see you.. why she was so lacking empathy for you is not cool. I would definitely bring it up next session.

So...

I saw her again. She did not experience herself as having been as off and as weird as I'd experienced her last session. She didn't deny it or anything, and she was totally open to what I was saying, she just said that she didn't remember feeling anxious. It was a good session in that way that it often is when the previous session sucked and I take a big breath and address it with her. She thanked me for bringing it up.

I told her that really all I'd wanted was her. I didn't want problem solving. I didn't want tissues. I didn't want god. I didn't want coping strategies. I just wanted her to be with me. At that point she smiled a little and allowed as how she'd been pretty problem-solvey and that it must have taken her away from being in the present. Okay. I thought "not in the present" was putting it mildly, but anyway. She also said she was worried that I might need strategies to get through the coming week given how bad I was feeling.

I paused at this and considered this for a while. I guess I've changed. I was not actually worried about how I'd get through the time between appointments. I knew that I'd be however I needed to be and I'd feel whatever I felt and some of it might suck but I'd be okay and I'd find my balance eventually.

So in the midst of this gong show period of my life, I realized that I (usually) have access to a basic okayness within me. I was hoping for her help in nurturing the okayness and creating that calm, safe environment where things are quiet enough that I can figure stuff out. Or really just tell someone what's up and attenuate the loneliness of it. And crap, I really didn't get it that session. However, I definitely put LOTS of time and effort into trying to understand what happened, getting to consider your insights and feedback, thinking about what I want from my therapist, what my current needs are, how i can best use what she is able to offer... so the shittty session ended up being a catalyst for some pretty good stuff.

Seems like things were better this time, I'm glad. My session yesterday evening was better too. More connected. And I no longer feel unwelcome there.

So glad to hear that you expressed your concerns to your t and that she heard them. She didn’t agree with some of them but realised that they kept her from just being present with you.
I can understand why your t might have thought that you may have benefitted from coping strategies but who in their right mind when distressed asks for them!!! Human connection, understanding and presence is far more valuable. I hope that you are doing ok FJ with all of this and personally.

Not sure that it will help much, but just for perspective: My temperament is analytical and I DO look for ways to cope when distressed, not necessarily human connection. I DO want understanding -- because without that, how can a person help with problem-solving. And it's not that I don't want connection at all, because I do. But a therapist placing value and priority on emotional connection when a client is distressed does not, and never did, help me.