Feeling shamed: therapist acknowledging weight

My weight came up in therapy today. I called myself ‘fat’.
My therapist responded by acknowldging me as ‘a bit on the big side’. It totally blew me to pieces.
I don’t know why: I said it myself, it’s not like it’s any great secret. But him naming it like that felt so shameful. Like, I’ve been exposed or something, which is ridiculous: it’s there for both of us to see.
He didn’t say it in a judgemental way, but I felt judged, even though he wouldn’t have meant it that way.
I went quiet and withdrawn, and he asked a few minutes later if he had said something to upset me. It was amongst a whole lot of intense stuff, so it could have been anything. I said yes, but I didn’t want to talk about it.
I know it’s a big deal b/c of my childhood and blah blah. Maybe in his world, ‘a bit on the big side’ is not a deal. Still, I can’t help but think of all the other times I have described myself in perjorative terms: stupid, slow, crazy, and he has always pushed back, pointing out that I am being self critical and hard on myself.
Ugh. I don’t ever want to have to deal with this with him again. It’s enough to drive me to the nearest elliptical machine and plan an Easter fill of lettuce leaves

I hear you. T acknowledged my extra weight and skin problems once. He also added "...but it doesn't make me judge you".

I didn't like it, because I never asked for his opinion. But now I know he thinks I'm fat, ugly and so on and it bothers him enough to mention to me. It felt really shameful and I can't forget his words. I never told him though.

I'm sorry you're going through this too

It sounds like it cut straight to your own feelings about your weight. Like a deep shame. In our own lives we defend ourselves against our deepest shame most of the time. When he acknowledged your own comment -when he held up the mirror for you - you saw yourself as exposed in front of others.
There are things I could say to my own T that would wound me as much if she mirrored them back to me. They aren't about weight but they are just as heavy.

That strikes me as rather an odd comment on his part.

I would expect something like this as a normal response: "Are you unhappy with your current weight?"

What he said was not therapeutic. Actually, it was rude. I wonder is he prone to making gauche remarks?

The thing is that slow, stupid and crazy are pretty much universally insulting things to call someone. Of course your T pushed back. Size is culturally and often emotionally loaded but really is in-the-eye-of-the-beholder territory as to whether it's good/bad, pretty/ugly, desirable/undesirable or even (within limits) healthy/unhealthy.

So acknowledging that someone is bigger can be treading on some very sensitive areas for that person but is actually a morally neutral statement, like saying that their eyes are brown. I suspect that your therapist is trying to point this out. It is not gauche for a therapist to acknowledge what their client is saying. Allowing weight to become the elephant in the room that cannot be discussed even after the client has brought it up is just reinforcing that this is a shameful issue. Reinforcing silence and ignoring the obvious would be terrible therapy.

Feeling this way after discussing something that is a significant source of shame and pain for you is a pretty normal if awful part of therapy. But that is how therapy works its magic and makes you able to feel better and to let go of unhappiness. You need to talk about it and talk about how you feel when your T says those words, and about the impulse to hide and eat only lettuce.

As an aside, there are many resources out there besides therapy to promote body acceptance at every size, go look into them! You are definitely not alone in this. You can like, appreciate and take care of yourself—including your body, an inextricable part of you—at the size you are today and at every size you ever will be without shame, apology or starvation.

I would add though that euphemism really is yukky and maybe that is part of what made you shut down. If you said "fat" and he said "bit on the big side" that is legit awkward and weird.

He could have used your word back at you:

"Tell me about 'fat'" or "what does 'fat' mean in your life?" or "the way you say 'fat' sounds like you have a lot of feelings attached to your size" etc.

Or he could have acknowledged the topic more generally:

"Size and weight seem like important topics?" or "you talk about your size like it isn't a good thing, how come?"

I would have recoiled at "a bit on the big side" too. If he's generally a good T, it's definitely worth talking through. I'll bet you'll get a lot from it. Good luck!

Weight or size or eating can be extremely difficult topics to talk about. I have been with my t for ten years, and found it easier to talk about sex than food. I joined weight watchers two years ago (i have bona fide health issues caused by my size) but have only recently started being comfortable talking about such things with t. He has gotten better at it too. Eta - ive been talking about it for the past few years.

Eta2 - when i first started seeing him, i mentioned eating ice cream, and he made this horrible moaning noise like my mother used to make, and i was like, ugh, dont EVER comment about my being fat or eating again if thats how you are going to react! Then he lost 40 lbs himself (while i was away, i dont remember if this was before or after the moaning incident), anyway that gave him some credibility. He stopped wearing old mans pants and started wearing jeans every day.

Eugh.....This bothers me soooo much and I can totally understand your hurt. If he said it to me it would sound judging even if he said he wasn't. The big side of what exactly? In comparison to what or to who?

It's a strange thing for a T to say and inappropriate IMO. I mean what purpose did it serve you for him to say that? You had already brought up yourself that you thought you were 'fat'....He could have just mirrored your words back to you or explored your feelings about it further. He could have even explored the fact that being 'fat' does not define who a person is. I don't believe people 'are' fat...They may have fat or be more overweight than what is recommended but it does not define them and their whole existence. I can totally appreciate why it brought up feelings of shame...I am not overweight but I was for many years and continue to struggle with feelings of shame and guilt etc about weight. I am working on it and getting better at it. There is so much fat shaming in society it boils my blood!!!

I would bring it up with him next session. Tell him how it made you feel. If he is a good T I would bet that he would be able to acknowledge that it was inappropriate and at best hopefully he will apologize. If not even talking about how it made you feel could be helpful!

Ugh...this would also hurt me awfully. I don't have advice, because it honestly stings too much to think about -- hits too close to home. I'm just really sorry and am sending HUGS

That is the sort of comment that would have made me either leave therapy or completely blow up at him. But I know that is because I'm seriously sensitive to weight comments. Your therapist probably isn't, so he doesn't get it. And I think that men have more trouble with it.

When I say something like that my husband has been socialized to say "no you aren't," which is a complete lie, or "you look great to me," which might not be a lie. But a therapist isn't going to say either of those things. He could have said something like "It sounds like you aren't happy with your weight. Is that something you'd like to talk more about?" Your therapist's opinion about your weight should not be a focus of therapy, although your opinion of your weight could be.

I will say that talking about my own shame about weight with my male therapist has been really hard, but also really useful.

I think that was a really stupid and inappropriate thing to say. I'm sorry.

I think it breaks the "safe" feeling that you want when opening up to your therapist. So sorry this happened to you.

Ouch. I think that comment would have bothered most people, stuff from childhood aside. I personally try to refrain from sharing any negative beliefs I have about my appearance that I know to have the ring of truth because there's no "correct" response my T could give me. For example, I used to have really terrible acne. If I talked about how disfiguring it was, there were three possible responses I could receive. One, my T could tell me that the acne wasn't that bad, which would sound ridiculous and false. Although it might feel a tiny bit good for a moment to have such false reassurance, it would also tell me that I can't trust what my T says to be true. Second, T could do what your T did, and agree with me. That would obviously not make me feel better. Third, my T could avoid agreeing or disagreeing, which would implicitly send the message that my self evaluation was accurate - which again, is unnecessary and would make me feel worse.

I find I do the same. I avoid talking about my appearance and weight as I know there is no way my T could come out of it unscathed and I'm not sure it would change how I felt. Yes, it can be useful to explore the thoughts and feelings but I know I would possibly spend more time focusing on his thoughts and feelings and his response or lack of at the moment. I am hoping that eventually by working on all the other areas I am working on my confidence and self-belief etc will improve and thus my negative feelings about my appearance and or weight will improve.

A good therapist would know that majority of clients especially female are sensitive about their weight whether they are overweight or not. The comment was thoughtless and insensitive. He possibly didn't mean it to be so but it was. You are completely right, a good T would not respond disagreeing or giving a compliment regardless of whether or was even true or not IMO. Exploring the OP's feelings would be the priority not his thoughts on it.

Give him a copy of Fat is a Feminist Issue to read. He sounds clumsy and ill informed. It frustrates me greatly that "fat" is not commonly understood as an objective descriptor in the same way as tall or black. The euphemisms which polite liberals use are embarrassing.

I am so very sorry. His comment was uncalled for and not at all therapeutic. I am sending hugs and good thoughts your way. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your therapy.

I'm sorry your t said that. Sometimes it seems they just really don't think. One time in a session I was talking about my being very overweight and t acknowledged "you are a large woman" very matter of factly. Even though I'd brought it up it and she didn't sound judge-y at all, it was still uncomfortable hearing her say it out loud.
Hugs.

I liked this podcast episode on how outrageous it is to judge body size by a therapist : https://higherpractice.com/podcast/c...y-size-hpp-05/

What "side" is he exactly talking about? Is there a fat side? Thin side? Side that he would prefer? Side that he endorses as perfectly sized?

Is it his (male) prerogative to size you up?

I would be infuriated.

You were harsh on yourself and he enlisted himself, without your permission, in a judgment of you.

Where is your anger? This is b*&&hit.

Women have a right to take up space in the world.

Here's something that occurred to me. Are you from time to time talking about yourself in a harsh way, expecting that he will respond by doing the opposite and push back against your harshness and say something comforting to you? Like maybe you are saying, "See how bad I feel about myself and how much I need to be supported to think more positively about me? Please help me have more self-esteem." It's normal to like being reassured about one's worth, but that can get to be an addiction - where you go to therapy mainly looking to be comforted. It's kind of like "fishing for compliments." The supportive response may feel good for while you are hearing it, but you leave the session just as insecure as you went into it. A goal of therapy is to learn to self-comfort and self-support.

Self-esteem does not come from being repeatedly reassured that you are okay, as you are. It comes from looking at yourself realistically and appreciating your good points and not exaggerating your deficits. The truth is that some people are thinner and better looking than you are, while some people are a lot fatter and have more of a weight problem that you do. It's also true that some slim, beautiful looking people are miserably unhappy. (Lots of skinny people are lonely and even suicidal.) Meanwhile there are more than a few chubby people who are dearly loved and living contented, fulfilling lives. These are realities.

Do you really think you are just too stupid, slow, crazy and fat to be worth anything to anybody? Or do you think that is the judgement the world places on you? When we've been hurt in life and feel rejected, uncared about and lonely, we tend to want to protect ourselves by "beating others to the punch." "No one can hurt me with insults, if I say bad things about myself before they do." I think that's a common strategy of those who fear rejection or harsh criticism. A person can get so starved for approval - which we all need to get from someone sometime - that the person takes notice of what gets them some when they finally get a tidbit thrown their way. Then they think, "Well that felt kind of good. I could go for some more of that." Your therapist is not the most skillful communicator. (He sounds rather clumsy to me.) I think he has unintentionally trained you to put yourself down, as a strategy to get him to try and build you up. It's only human nature to repeat what gets rewarded. (Not just humans either. That's why Ceasar Milan says to never pet a dog who's acting scared and nervous. That just trains the dog to keep acting scared and nervous.)

Same!!! I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of wanting or having sex. I am embarrassed and ashamed of wanting or having food.
Eating, for me, feels like something that's dirty and wrong and should be done in private and not talked about (this mostly applies to me eating, not other people)

I used to be this way with therapists and everyone really. I would never mention my weight, although it's quite apparent. I'm more than a "little bit" big. But not talking about it doesn't make the shame or self-hatred go away. Actually losing the weight doesn't make it go away either, because it is so easy to gain it back. (I've done both)

But I have found that actually talking about it has made it seem less shameful. Because the response that my therapist takes is to say something like "what do you tell yourself about your weight?" And "is that helpful?" He isn't instantly reassuring about other negative stuff I say about myself either though. I wanted him to be, but really it isn't as helpful permanently as him trying to get me to change the way I think about myself. He's trying to get me to the point where I can say honestly, "my weight is not the most important thing about me."

He is a therapist who understands about weight and food issues and that makes it better I think. He's probably already figured out that a response like the OP's therapist made is a really bad idea.

I don't think therapists should discuss your appearance even if you brought it up first. He could have gone back to something you said earlier without making any comment at all. We all need to be accepted for who we are and not what we look like. I find that once I know and care about a person they look like just who they are to me, just like here's "Jane". A therapist should feel the same way.