Smooth.

Not in a good place. Went to session just now. called T a liar, then walked out of session again. The last session for 2 weeks too.
You go mouse! F%() K up.

Did you walk out early or did you stay until the end but did not get any resolve?

Walked out early. Saying "I can't do this" left all unresolved.

Ugh that's awful. I could not deal. Can you email or anything between and maybe try to patch things up a bit? 2 weeks is a long time to sit on all this

Yep, that's awful, especially before a two week break.
Could you email or have a short phone call to fix it a bit?

I've left early many times ... only to crawl back and to beg to be let in again after few minutes.

Ah, but what was the subject of "I can't do this"? It's what you have to look at. Which you know...

I can email. But right now I just feel so angry at T.
The normal therapy mood, wanna punish her. Blah blah f%) +&ing blah

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Is this still over the move or something different?

I think maybe it's more like an experiment than a F Up. Consider just sitting with how you feel and how you feel about what happened. It's a chance to learn something in the aftermath of what sounds like pretty big feelings. I've walked out of session and returned for the next one, and was willing to talk about it then. T seemed to take it fully in stride, like a million people have done this before me.

I've walked out before. Before I walked out today I said only the embarrassment of walking out is keeping me here.
But then I needed to get away from T so I just done it anyway.

I’ve been there, so I feel for you. I once ended a session with exT saying “f**k you, I’m never coming back” and then I went crawling back...

that sucks

i've only walked out for the first time on Monday. The session was nearly at the end, but my mood swung wayyyy downward and I wasn't really sure why. My T noticed it, but couldn't get anythign out of me. At that point I was like "Yeah. I got nothing left to say, I'm just going to go." I handed her my check and left.

I did e-mail her later that evening because I felt bad. Not necessarily that I walked out, but that we both knew I was feeling "something," but I didn't know what it was, and couldn't verbalize it, so I just left. Plus, she is on vacation next week, and I really didn't want to sit with whatever it was for 2 weeks.

She wrote back and said that therapy sucks sometimes because it has to end, and it is rough when things get tangled up or emotions shift, but that she is willing to explore it with me. It sounds silly, but it made me feel better.

Maybe e-mailing her will help?

I have no doubt all this will get resolved.
But in not in that place that wants or needs it resolved just yet.
I have no doubt T will send her usual photo/email during the break.
My attachment to get us secure. Perhaps that's why I can do this.
My emotions are high at the Moment, making it difficult to think my way though this. So I'm left to just act it out for a while.

My walk out session hasn't been far from my mind.
Today T sent her normal photo/email saying see you next week.
This is the photo. Thats actually how I feel regarding the last session /move....

Gah. Sorry. That sucks. I did it last week. So hard to have those internal conflicts, and then have to live with them until the next time because you screwed up your chance in the moment.

I love that photo. It's wrenching.

So T always says "I don't think you give yourself enought credit for how you can think things through"

For me it's a blessing and a curse.
I am still in the acting out stage. Thinking how I'm just not going to turn up next week either.
Why? I guess theres a small part of me that wants to be able to get T not to move (Ffs. It's only down the road. But hey, still)
That somehow I can master her.
But I know she's using this break to clear her home. And she is. (fb stalking confirmed this lol)
And than that bit of me is like, what?! She's continuing being an individual, separate being from me . She's not controlled by me at all. She has her own mind. How can that be?
Now the rational me knows This Is a very small childs thinking.
Clue theres unfinished work there for me to do.

But then yesterday in the Background I heard on a TV prog someone say "don't give up when it feels the hardest. Because thats when. A break through happens"
The universe tapped into my Pysche. Or my Pysche tapped into the universe.
And on hearing that. I knew that I need to go next week. This boil is getting ready to be lanced.

But, thinking. Man oh man.

Tomorrow is back to T day after the break.
I'm tempted to email T saying I don't want to go.
But I'm tempted to go too.
I know I'd I let T she can help. But I've a big block that just doesn't want to let her.

We shall see.

Dumdumdum.

Annnnnnnd. I didn't go nor inform her.

Smoooooooth

Now I am surprised.

T emailed saying she was expecting to see me today.
Lots of emails back and forth. I still know I'm acting out. But can't stop it



Yet.

Why? What is the subject matter?

Stated of with her moving and had gone into an the unconscious stuff.
Where one part of my mind is observing the other, but isn't sure what or why it's behaving like it is.
Then every time T emails with more words. I change the game.

Oioioi

Think I'm ready to go back to session now.
I kept rechecking reality with T in email and she has soothed the issues.
I asked her at one point if she was saying "look I've done all this for you and you're still not getting it"
She replied. "no, I understand why you're not getting it and I'm giving you more things to grasp, to see through the fear and panic"
I was like "oh yeah. I can see it now"
Talking and checking is the way forward 100%

I'm currently sitting in car outside T's hse.
1minute to go until I go in.
Will I stay in?

Dumdumdum