emails to a former T

Wow, I am so sorry ML. The whole thing just seems so baffling and bizarre. Are you sure you don't want to switch your daughter to a different therapist? I mean, if he can cause this much damage with you, who is to say he's competent to treat your daughter?

I agree with you ruh roh. My daughter talked to him about taking a break last week and is not currently on his schedule, and he will not be seeing her again.

This feels like cruelty to me. I no longer believe he cared about me. I don't even know what to do with myself -- I am sobbing. I just really wanted to wrench a more positive ending out of this so I could look back on my therapy with some contentedness, but there is no positive ending possible now.

Wow is right. I'm sorry. I don't get it at all.

I'm glad your daughter is not going back. Something is really not right with that guy. The worst part is that you had no way to see this coming.

This happened to me, too. I asked for another session and was told, Termination is Termination. I am convinced that it is a CYA thing for them. I think your T feels shame, the way he doesn't look at you and such. However, to me, it says that they know they ****ed up. And the more they explain, the worse the situation would be. I'm so sorry this is happening to you!

That's crazy. It's so harmful. I'm really sorry that happened. Are you thinking about getting a new therapist? I know that you had something that you wanted to work on before he got so weird. I hope you take care of yourself.

Thanks Maybe, it does feel really harmful. I can't really see going to another therapist. It's funny because when people have posted here about being abandoned by T's, I've usually hoped they would seek out a new and more trustworthy T... but now I get it. I'm just too hurt and too tired and... forget it. But I was very close to ending anyway. It's just a shame it couldn't have ended on a good note.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, it's really cruel. I feel for you that you didn't get that last session. It's infuriating, belittling, perplexing... it sucks. Maybe it is a CYA thing for my T too.

I just can't wrap my head around this 180° turn. Like what the hell??!! I'm so sorry ML. Glad your daughter isn't going to see him. Whatever it is its definitely not you. This is all him. This just makes me ragey (is that even word?) but it's like what the f*** are they teaching these people in school?! This is just so damn insensitive of him. Argh just argh.

I can't wrap my head around it either. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I feel the same, why do they not teach them about termination? All they seem to teach them is "why you should terminate" and that they have to provide referrals (which mine did not). That's it. Most of them learn nothing -- gathering from stories here at the forum -- about how this can affect clients. They don't seem to consider how not to make clients feel powerless, abandoned, or rejected, nor do they apparently discuss times when they should not terminate even though the situation is imperfect, because it would be too harmful. (How about asking the client what they think? Novel idea!!) I don't get the impression it's even discussed. I read 6 or 7 therapy books and I don't remember reading about termination at all.

Dear Ex T,

I was thinking today-- it's like you somehow, after three years, didn't know me at all. You did pretty much everything exactly wrong. I have major distrust of authority; you were authoritarian. I cope by gathering information and analyzing it to bits; you refused to explain anything or be truthful. I form strong attachments and have issues with grief; you abandoned me suddenly and with no warning. I have younger parts of myself who became attached to you through transference; you fabricated "unprocessed trauma" which you knew was a lie when the words left your lips, and yet you ignored the young parts who actually are there because of trauma. I have anxiety and a desire for mastery over things, which led me to study therapy the whole time I was in therapy; you refused to even listen to my view of my own therapy and made me powerless.

I mean really, you did everything exactly wrong, so you apparently never got to know me at all. Had you been truthful and explained you were in a predicament, I would have been very sad, but I am also a compassionate person and I cared about you a great deal. I would have let things end because it was better for you, if you'd just told me the truth, which I desperately needed. But no, it was all precisely as it should not have been.

And then I thought... maybe you do know me and you simply hate me. I'm not sure if I really think that, but honestly, it's just as good an explanation as thinking you're a moron, because that seems unlikely too. Your heart is a far colder place than I had any inkling of, so maybe it really was disgust and spite.

So that's what you've left me with. Either I spilled everything to a T for three years and was never heard, or I was heard and I was despised. But it's okay, oddly enough I'm actually feeling better yesterday and today. I feel free in a way I had not anticipated. Whoever you really are, it's nobody I want in my life. So if you did despise me, well, at least in the end you made it mutual.

This is all so devastating ML. I can only imagine the myriad of emotions that you must be going through. Nobody deserves this. I'm so angry on your behalf but I'll tread carefully because I know you might still be attached to him. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying this but we're here for you. Keep writing as much as you need to.

I hope you can hang on to that feeling of empowerment you described in your last paragraph Mostly, because blaming yourself and punishing yourself is not going to help you.
Your t made this decision, we may never know why, blaming yourself and shaming yourself is disempowering yourself. I think if you can find a way to accept this decision and allow yourself to be angry/ sad/ wondering why and whatever else you feel without shaming yourself it could be really good for you. Maybe your t is a Moran, lots of us are!
You are a good person and you did nothing wrong, this is more about your t than you.

Thank you -- I do feel bad about posting sometimes because the whole subject of sudden termination is a distressing one, so I appreciate you saying to keep writing as needed. It is really, really helpful since I can't express anything to my T. I did say how much he had hurt me in my last email but I expect he blocked me after that, or would mail me a cease and desist letter if I emailed again. That would be in line with the coldness he's shown me. So this is a much needed outlet.

Thank you, I am trying to distance his decision from myself and not think it was something I did wrong. It's just ironic because I started seeing him for self-esteem issues that included always believing it was me who screwed up when anything went awry, no matter what the facts were. To be rejected without explanation by the same person who was trying to help me not feel that way is just particularly hard to deal with. Thankfully, I'm angry at the moment, and that helps me to see he definitely behaved badly, even if I had done something wrong -- he certainly didn't handle it well.

Another thing that helped with that is, I do have a friend who's a therapist herself, and when I told her I'd emailed asking for a more positive closure and he'd said no, she stopped eating and stared at me, so I know his behavior was pretty outlandish.

I am just so sorry you are going through this. It reminds me so much ich of when my therapist dumped me one night out of nowhere.
I dont know if this article will help, but maybe you can get something out of it- and there are lots of comments on it from people who have gone through similar things. maybe it will help you feel less alone:
its about when you suddenly lose your therapist
https://www.discussingdissociation.c...our-therapist/
Its written for people with DID, but really, it could be for anyone.

Thank you Starry Night. Reading the comments was heartbreaking. I can relate to younger parts feeling like they are at fault (though mine are far less distinct than for someone with DID). It's nearly impossible not to feel rejected or at fault no matter what rational thoughts you try to hang on to in your adult mind. I feel very grateful that I am in a good, stable place and have support here and from friends and my husband, but it is still hard. It is alarming that the whole field of therapy does not seem to recognize the significant harm and poor outcomes that come from sudden termination. I am finding it hard to hold on to gains I made in therapy because it feels like it was all a ruse. I can see that it would be devastating to those who have significant trauma or are midway through healing or have just begun to trust and open up. I'm so sorry you went through this. It sounds like you have a devoted T these days and I hope things continue to go very well for you there.

Dear Ex T,

I presume that after this current angry phase there will be a return of grief, but at the moment the rage is still going strong. Sometimes I recall something nice I said to you in thanks, and I think "Screw you! You didn't deserve thanks for pretending to care!" What's worse is when I think of something really vulnerable and honest that I said that you reacted to sympathetically, and the idea of your mock kindness fills me with so much scorn and anger I hardly know what to do with myself.

Really tired of not being able to go anywhere without imagining running into you, which then necessitates obsessive thinking about what I'd say. Very tired of this, it makes it unpleasant to run errands. All I know for sure is, you've hurt me, you're false, and you're a coward. But what's the point in saying it anyway? You don't give a flying f***.

I am so glad you are strong enough to feel anger because you deserve to be angry. Yet at the same time the absolute hurt is so palpable. I'm truly glad you have a good support system in place. Say everything you need to say right here. I for one am definitely reading and listening. Here for support in whichever form you'd like.

Thank you so much. It's a depressing topic and I kind of feel bad to keep posting, but then, maybe it might be helpful to someone who's had this happen and who's gone through similar feelings.

I'm not angry today. I feel deeply, painfully embarrassed. I must have been doing something inappropriate for a long time and finally my T had had it. I must have been twisting his arm in some way and finally he'd just had enough. I'm not sure what I was doing wrong, but that just makes me think I'm an idiot on top of being obnoxious. (It doesn't help that my husband's first theory for why my T did this was "Well, you're pretty egotistical, not everyone wants to deal with that.") I try to keep in mind the kind things people have written here about not focusing on it being my fault, but right now the shame is overwhelming. The only thing that helps is reassuring myself I will never do therapy again, so it doesn't matter if I'm an awful client, it's irrelevant.