Preparing myself for the break

It's not till June, but it's five weeks. I'm so attached that a week is not easy for me at the moment. 5 is hard to even imagine.
So I've come up with some things I can do that might help. They fall into two categories:

things I can do
- try to get an appointment between me being away and him going away (so it's just under 4 weeks instead of 5)
- do something productive every Wednesday
- get myself a nice treat like a trip to a cafe on a Wed
- watch one of his online videos each week at usual session time.
- write poetry

things I can ask T to do
- I'd like to ask him to write me a letter with a couple of thoughts and reflections on our work together, our relationship, my progress or something, that I can keep and read while he's away
- I'd like a transitional object. I've never had one before. I'd really like a fiddle toy that he's always fiddling with but I'm scared to ask in case he says no.

Has anybody done/asked for anything else? Any other ideas? Thoughts about my list?
I've been seeing him for nearly 3.5 years and have never had more than a 3 week break (and never more than 2 weeks since I became so attached).

I've not had such a long break thankfully, but I do struggle with breaks generally! I find myself getting a bit panicky etc, a change in my once a week safe zone really unsettled me.

I've just had a break as usual I found myself over thinking, feeling abandoned etc but I really pushed myself not to constantly think, countdown etc.. so this time I like you set myself goals and challenges. For me I found exercising helps, so I set 30 mins a day to workout, get my frustration and worries out that way! I also did some reading trying to make myself aware of what I was feeling and why, and most importantly when all this failed I just tried any distraction techniques I could, whether that be talking online, coffee with friends or music. Just something to keep my mind off therapy, off the T and off the break!

You sound from your list that you are doing well to prepare yourself and think ahead, and if u want a distraction u can always message me :-)

omg 5 weeks? I'm with you on weekly being hard. i recently did 9 days and i did not do well at all
my T did his first trip recently but it was just 4 days however it seemed like an eternity to me. i did alot of journaling then. i did not ask for objects but i could have. never thought of it.

i saw him in session the day he left so it was nice in a sense. he promised me he would never do a trip thats 2 weeks or longer. i hope not because i cant cope

i am not sure what else to suggests but tell your T how hard this is for you, try to work out stuff together that will help you

Can you do a phone session while you’re on your vacation? I’ve done a few phone sessions when I’ve been out of town and my T is still working. It’s definitely not the same as actually being in her office, but it helps with the “now she doesn’t exist at all” feelings.

I really like the list of things that you created for yourself. Reflecting back on the experience I had last summer, the one thing I regret not doing during RoboT's vacation was practicing good self care, especially around the times that I would see him.

As far as asking him for something, I think the things you listed are reasonable, and I'm hopeful he'd be willing to provide you one of those things. If not, perhaps something like "is there something that you would be comfortable doing to help me bridge the gap?" would help you both to find a compromise.

>Could you do an extra session the week before he leaves?
>Is there any possibility of being given the details of another therapist just in case?
>Could you ask for a weekly check in just to say "hi"? .

Thanks exercise is a good idea. It's something I need to do more of anyway so this might be the motivation I need. Also thanks for the invite to message you! I might take you up on it!

Thanks for the empathy DP, good to know you get it.

Thanks. I very much struggle to know he still exists. I really struggled the one time we did a phone session, but I found Skype better (had to due to weather) but sadly I don't have enough privacy while I'm away. It's worth bearing in mind though, so thank you.

Thanks daisy. Itd good to hear you think it's reasonable. I'm reticent about asking for any of it. But you're right we should be able to work something out as long as I don't feel horribly crushed if he says no to anything. You're right about self care too. I have a tendency to forget about that when I'm down, and then feel even worse.


Thanks, these are good ideas. I thought of an interim T but I just don't know how I feel about the idea really. I might email him while he's away but I would probably feel guilty about asking for a reply. An extra session the week before he leaves is an excellent idea and I might just do that, thanks.

Could you just ask if he'd be open to maintaining some minimal contact during the five weeks?

I'd be hard-pressed to imagine he'd say No to something that's not terribly time-consuming or would require significant effort on his part but at the same time, allows you to maintain some sort of communication that'll make it easier?

Maybe? I don't know why I'm so scared to ask him anything. Oh yeah I do. Any "no" will feel like a kick in the stomach. This holiday is enough of a kick in the stomach itself.

I totally empathise. Mine takes several breaks one of which is always a 6 week break.

I really hope you are able to obtain something from him to help you cope

On her first vacation, I didn't think I was attached and ended up getting a tattoo in rebellion.

On second vacation, I bought her a book that we had talked about and gave it to her to read. I read it as well while she was gone. After I gave it to her I felt bad, I felt like I obligated her to read it. We've never talked about it so I don't know if she read it or not. I'm afraid to know.

3rd trip: We've done 2 jigsaw puzzles (I purchased). Both of them have stayed put together in her office. With her last long weekend, I asked for one piece from one of the puzzles (I picked out) and asked her to write on the back "the life I want is here". This is a phrase from a set of phrases I work through when she leaves. While she was gone, I pulled out the puzzle piece and sat it on my computer monitor both at home and at work. I had thought about having her pick one out and leave it out on the shelf in her office but didn't. When she got back I returned the piece to the puzzle. I didn't think it did much for me. Then when it was gone, I missed it.

I've also made plans with other people during the time we would have typically met.

5 weeks is a very long time.

I'm so sorry. 5 weeks is a really long time. If you're afraid to risk a no from him, can you ask him for ideas of ways to maintain the connection? Maybe he would come up with one on your list that you're afraid to ask.

A long while back, I asked my therapist if she'd write something on one of those writable mugs that I'd seen at the coffee shop. I thought it would help to have the message in front of me every morning. She said she'd do that, but then wouldn't you know, the mugs were gone when I went back and I couldn't find them anywhere. I think they can be ordered online, but I lost my energy for it and gave up. Maybe something like that would help for a while if you can get one of those mugs and tell him what to write on it.

Just to add: I think it's still going to be hard no matter what. Keeping busy is probably the best way to make it go by more quickly. If you have a garden or yard to keep up, that would help.

Thank you guys. Elio - Sounds like you've found some really useful symbolic ways to represent what's happening. I need to think more about how I could do something like that.

Ruh Roh - thank you, I like the mug idea and it's such a shame you couldn't get one.
I think I will ask him, that's a good point. I kind of did last week but he had no time to think and I had no ideas then either. At the beginning of the session he said, "let's let it sink in a bit then maybe we can look at ways to help."
Later in the session I said "So how can we help?" He replied "I don't know, because I don't know what would be helpful.". I just laughed ironically and said "great".

My early experience of breaks was never as bad as I imagined they were going to be. Once it was happening, I was surprised at the connection I still managed to hold onto.

I can relate to this situation. In May, I'll leave my country for 3 weeks, and I won't be able to use much internet, therefore even if I need to talk to her then, it will be almost impossible. I'm already suffering, but it was my choice not to be here for 3 weeks. I'm planning on keeping a journal and writing about my feelings and showing it to her once I'm back, she said that helps.

5 weeks is very long. I had that last summer too. I think it's a great idea to talk it through with him and come to an agreement. Is he flexible with his approach? Mine was/is pretty rigid, he offered me a phone session when he was officially back but like you, I had no privacy and I hate speaking on the phone. The lack of sorting anything out, caused a huge rupture which lasted months but he has now agreed that I can send him an email if I need to, which he won't respond to but will read. He wasn't keen on a transitional object, though I didn't ask why. Lots of T's on here are though.

Thanks. I do find him flexible and accommodating generally so I would think he would be okay about a transitional object etc. I'm sorry your T was less so. It helps to know that you get how hard it is.

Over our last two week break, he wrote me a letter, which was unexpected and very sweet. He also asked me to keep a journal, but more like writing him letters, if that makes sense. It was about 8 pages by the time I was done and he read it once he was back. I also saw a substitute therapist that he recommended to me while he was gone. That was kind of iffy for me. I would consider it again, though, if it was going to be a long vacation like yours is.

For the current 10 day vacation, I asked him to leave me a voicemail before he left. I felt kind of silly asking, but he really liked the idea and it's nice to know I can hear his voice/message on demand. We also have prearranged to email on our normal session days this week, with him responding within 24 hours (he doesn't usually respond to emails unless I specifically ask or he feels it's important to do so). He asked if I wanted to see the substitute therapist again, but I declined this time.

NP - thanks. I will ask what he thinks about interim T but I suspect i'd feel like you did. Writing would probably be good but I really struggle with journal writing. I seem to do better with poetry form writing. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

I'm concerned that DP-2017's tpromised he would never take more than a 2 week break?
No one can say that for sure in any area of your life as they have things that can arise in theirs also-I think it's wrong to promise this as if it had to happen it could make the whole relationship seem like a lie even if logically you know it was unavoidable

Can I please ask that you don't comment on other people's therapy in my thread.