When T doesn't trust you

yes.. thank u. t has specified that he is frustrated w my illness and not me personally

I googled "grieving anniversary reactions" - theres a lot of stuff there. I pick fights with people on major holidays, is how i react, cuz major holidays were always a beeyotch. Even being aware of it, i still do it. Im a dog with a bone.

I want to go in the woods tonight after work. it's a nice day.. sunny n clear. I feel it's a good day to leave

I think I understand the concern you have. I often struggled with a similar sense of maybe guilt, thoughts that by sharing what felt like the evil within was extending its influence, "weaponizing" it. And I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to be an agent of hurting him or anyone I cared about.

It also felt nearly impossible to find the words that could contain those feelings.

The way my T explained it to me, repeatedly, was that the existence of my concern about giving that "badness" a voice, my concern that I not hurt anyone by spreading it, was proof that it didn't own the core of me. That the evil wasn't part of me. And that it wasn't part of him, either, and that protected him from it. He said that if I could let myself experience expressing this awfulness, and see that it didn't contaminate him, that he could safely hold it for us, then I would become less afraid of it. His frustration wasn't with me, but was from the wish that he could take it all away from me. He said it just didn't work that way: I had to surrender it to him. I suspect that's the same frustration your T feels.

I suppose it can all be approached through the language of boundaries and such, but for me, it felt far more existential than that. It was a slow surrendering, but, in hindsight, I do think it was the turning point for me.

Please don’t leave, JD...

I'm not feeling well and the thought of it is getting me thru work

Please stay safe, jDNA.

t called me last night and threatened to send the cops to my place of employment which is where I was. he told me to call him when I got off so I did but he didn't even answer. so i text him 30 min later cause I was getting paranoid about the police

he asked if I'll be safe I said yes and he sent "k"

t never says "k"

I text t this morning wondering about the police because I saw 2 cop cars heading towards my house. he said he did not contact the police. I ask t is he angry at me. no response. I apologized for my behavior

I feel angry and I don't know what t is thinking rn. of course I'm worried he's mad at me but at the same time I don't give a fuxk anymore. t can be mad honestly I don't think he even cares if I did actually kms. I feel he's just covering his ***. am I testing him... probably. but I also am having tons of thoughts of it. I feel devoid of any positive emotion

I feel I'm in the wrong reality and everything is ****ing fake

Why would T be mad?

idk this is all so stupid and now I wanna delete every word I've written in here

I'm sorry you're not feeling good. Do you feel safe?

yes I feel safe. I asked my friend /coworjer if she wants to come over and stay the night. she said yes so she's coming over after her shift

Nothing you say is stupid I promise you that and I’m glad you are telling us that’s what we are here for.

aww, DNA Did you text your T that you were feeling suicidal?

yes I did. he called n talked to me for a bit. I said I had to go he asked will I call him when I get off. I said yes

then it was like he just dismissed me. I wanted to go to the woods and sleep

I went to the woods but didn't stay there. I felt scared

now I'm in this stupid situation

I hate these voices

I do think I'm scared of getting better. I know I sabotage and not take my medication. I did that cuz I was feeling good but it felt SCARY. I'm not used to it and I'm have a constant feeling of dread... like when will I crash and burn

I think it comes down to control. I need to feel like I have control

t is prob tired of me and my bs I mean I am too lol

now these voices are in control and I'm jus riding the waves here. I don't even feel real. everything is fake and wrong. I'm in auto pilot or something. I feel utter apathy tho

ugh. i can't even imagine. i do think your T cares, though. keep posting here if it helps. PM me if you want as well.

Dna - you know, my mother liked to tell me that my grandma said, "i dont know what kind of kids you and my son are gonna have, you are both depressed all the time." I think i have junkdna too.

I dont have voices exactly, its just always me, but boy i get myself into some messes. And holding onto feeling good is the hardest thing i have ever tried to do. Its like jumping out of an airplane. It doesnt feel natural. I wish somebody would write a book about this.

yes! it feels more wrong to me to feel good about myself than the other way around, even in extremity.

There is a novel by Christopher Moore called Coyote Blue that talks about this, in a way:
In the novel there is a trickster god, Coyote, who Moore described in an interview:

Ever since I read it I've noticed this feeling happens pretty often, and even in its milder forms it can rob some of the joy out of times that are actually going well. But there's also this line from the book:
That's true too. If you can ignore the Coyote Blue and try to hang on to the hope, it turns into something more solid and after a while you can accept better times and still feel safe.

I don't know if your meds are like my supplements but if I stop them for a while it takes a good week of taking them carefully before I get back on track, in some cases even two weeks. And maybe it's true your meds need some sort of tweaking or a different dosage, too.

My first thought about your T was that he must be having some bad days. He has an infant, right? It's pretty easy to have a couple of seriously bad days when you have an infant who is teething, sick, having a growth spurt, or just ornery for reasons you never do figure out. I know your T cares very much about you -- I think all of us who visit the forum a lot see that he cares a great deal.

Mostly...I have never thought of it that way, as hope turning into faith. Wow. I am not into faith of anything at all...interesting.

Seriously, that blew my mind.

Kind of explains my brainwashed sickeningly sweet attitude about my t. But i like to think thats just on the one hand. OTOH...?!

having a rough day today I just sedated myself I'm gonna lie down. I feel embarrassed abt myself and my state. my friend came over n saw all my magazines on the floor and I realized how crazy it looks. like I'm crazy. I'm that crazy person u seen on tv and make fun of. I just want to die

come on, you are NOT ivanka trump

I hope you feel better after sleeping. Sometimes sleeping or just anything relaxing where you don't have to think is a very good option in my experience. I hope you feel better soon

i am also glad you are sleeping. it is how i cope sometimes as well.

by the way, i never watch tv and make fun of "crazy," people. I empathize with the pain they must be in.