Because of T's upcoming move AND the incident outside her home, I feel like I've gone back yrs with her.
I'm struggling between session and all I can think of is her.
The wkend I felt I needed to be with her 24/7. Felt I needed to just follow her around.
We talked about this today.
I asked why. T said because your attachment issues begin at a very early age, that's where you go back to when something happens that knocks you back.
She asked if I could visualise feeling safe again there. I said no. But that's because I'm a glass half empty kind of person.
But of course I know intellectually I'm safe, I Just feel everything's changed.
I asked T if she's changed. She said no.
She said I think once we get you through this, it will be beneficial. That you've gone back to this early wound, gives us an opportunity to work with it in such a raw way.
I then said about how of course I'm curious about who she is, and with all Thsts gone on of late I've learnt more and to be honest, I don't really want to know.
T smiled, she said if you don't know much, you're able to use create me /here as you like.
I replied, yeah, I think that's it.
Then I asked if the incident thats happened keeps her awake at night. She thought for a while then said, no, no I don't think so. But then again I have trouble sleeping and as she that she added, there, that's something else you've learnt about me lol.

[Anne2.0]

I saw my T twice this week for the first time in many years. I've been going every other week for a year. Very unusual for me, but I was really smarting over something that had knocked me back. In a major way, as I've noticed in the last year or so that the intensity of the knock back is generally less and my recovery is quicker. But for me I don't expect not to get knocked back but I do expect to find my feet more quickly.

In my version of being knocked back, it's easier if I acknowledge how hard the thing is and how deep it runs. T helped me with this in large part just by asking if I wanted to come back the next day. Seemed like he was in tune with the "ouch" of the thing. It felt like I'd been scraped alongside my body, everything hurt. But giving it the attention rather than trying to avoid it, the light and air helped it heal. Now I see this as a luxury, to be able to focus on the thing and nourish it so it feels better rather than goes underground.

[Elio]

Lots of good work here. The early wounds are hard to reach sometimes, keep it up.

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

T smiled, she said if you don't know much, you're about to use /create me /here as you like.

This is so true for me. I am able to use and create T to be what I want her to be for me.

Just a couple of weeks ago I wrote in my journal:

On walk to train this morning I thought:
mommy loves me. how do I know? because mommy is fictional and lives inside me so I get to tell mommy how she feels.

This felt good until it continued with:
I can make believe you are mommy but you are not mommy.

Then:
I want you to be mommy.

Like with grandson though, if you were mommy, you wouldn't be what I wanted you to feel, you'd be what you felt. In make believe you feel what I want you to feel because it is my make believe.

You say a part of me can always see a part of you as mommy, that means I can always make believe you are mommy when I want to. In make believe in my head, I can have you do whatever I want you to do. In make believe in real, you get to say no when you need to. I don't like that. I am 6.

Originally Posted by Elio

Lots of good work here. The early wounds are hard to reach sometimes, keep it up.


This is so true for me. I am able to use and create T to be what I want her to be for me.

Just a couple of weeks ago I wrote in my journal:

Thanks for sharing. Yes that is it.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I saw my T twice this week for the first time in many years. I've been going every other week for a year. Very unusual for me, but I was really smarting over something that had knocked me back. In a major way, as I've noticed in the last year or so that the intensity of the knock back is generally less and my recovery is quicker. But for me I don't expect not to get knocked back but I do expect to find my feet more quickly.

In my version of being knocked back, it's easier if I acknowledge how hard the thing is and how deep it runs. T helped me with this in large part just by asking if I wanted to come back the next day. Seemed like he was in tune with the "ouch" of the thing. It felt like I'd been scraped alongside my body, everything hurt. But giving it the attention rather than trying to avoid it, the light and air helped it heal. Now I see this as a luxury, to be able to focus on the thing and nourish it so it feels better rather than goes underground.

Yes, I was thrown for a big knock back last week. It's still rippling, I feel like for the most I have found the ground again. It's not solid, it is there. It is nice to see that the bounce back has been much quicker, even if not all the way back. We went through some training at work about renewal/recharging. One part of it was about emotional well being. I was all ready to hear the talk about emotional IQ, not feeling very strong there at the time of the training. Instead it talked about emotional fitness. It defined emotional fitness in terms of the time it takes to get through the rough patches. I liked this much better because it seemed like something that could be worked on like other fitness goals. And like physical fitness, some challenges are harder than others so it might take more work to get through them. It also didn't down play that rough patches can knock us back/down. In fact it was all about how life consists of these events, and learning what things will help move you back to your solid state (whatever those things are and what that state is for each person).

[mcl6136]

This is an interesting way to look at the meltdowns that are inevitable in therapy and in relationships in general.

There is some good research out there on resilience and how it can affect peoples' lives and I think that good therapeutic relationships can be little laboratories in which to "practice" being resilient.

Here is where I go wrong. I want harmony, understanding and insight from my T and when they go wrong, I pretty much go on a downward spiral. I see lack of harmony and agreement as evidence that the relationship is doomed and I freak out.

I think calling this a knock back and finding ground underneath me is going to be better than calling it doomed and heading for the door.

Super insightful thread, or maybe just because I'm in this particular phase right now. Also I see a co-worker of mine who struggles even more than me with this particular "thing."