Strong Maternal Transference

The maternal transference that I have for T is growing astronomically lately. I posted recently about a few things with her, including her unique limited reparenting style and her going “mama bear” mode for me. She’s literally just played for me all of the roles that a parent is supposed to play for a child, lately. She’s been my protector, my advocate, the person I can vent to, she’s been nurturing and caring, and she even has been incredibly firm with me and such in order to snap me out of self-destructive mode. She also somewhat reinforces this transference, whether she knows it or not, because she says things like that she sees all of her clients as her children, that she says similar things to me when I’m in my vulnerable child mode as she says to her children, and then most recently, I wrote something in my journals that I wrote to her about a dangerous situation I got myself into, and she wrote back “I just had a total Mom panic moment reading that. Please be more careful in the future.”

I have this strong desire to hug her now and I want her to just like hold me or something. Idk. I know that’s weird and that it would actually be very uncomfortable and awkward if she did hold me. But I do really want a hug. She hugged me once before and it caught me off guard but it meant a lot to me.

This transference feels both amazing and incredibly painful at the same time. In one way, I feel like she cares about me deeply and it’s very nice to be cared about. On the other hand, it hurts that to her, I’m just a client, and eventually I will have to leave her. I just want to be with her all of the time and have her there to guide me at all times. I have internalized much of what she has said, and I’m able to use what she has taught me when she’s not around, but I still wish she was there with me.

This is both such a good and bad thing that I don’t know what to do about it. And I don’t want to tell T about it because she’s not usually the super touchy-feely type. *sigh* I’ll just continue silently wishing she was involved in my life beyond therapy.

MRT, have you ever tried hugging yourself?

I just want to let you know that im going thru something very similar. It's beautiful and painful at the sme time, and sometimes I have no idea if it's getting me anywhere or if I'm just drowning deeper and deeper...

I know it is difficult, but talking about it is probably best in the long run.

EMDR T and have discussed this a few times lately in regards to T. For many people especially those with abandonment and attachment issues attachment therapy and maternal therapy may be necessary in order to progress in therapy. Yes it can be very painful but I wouldn't discount it as just being a client. Who they think about just that one hour you are in their office.

Could you ask for a hug? Sometimes I'll just ask T "May I please have a hug today?" I'm very lucky in that the answer has never been no.

I went through some really intense maternal transference with my now-ex-t, and yeah it could definitely be both beautiful and painful at the same time!! Painful especially when it was of the negative type. We talked about it a LOT. Ultimately it was very healing (the entire process including accepting/feeling it AND talking about it with her seemingly endlessly) and looking back, I don't regret any of it. During a period when it was at its most intense and negative (this past December/early January) she did something that my actual mother never did or would do - she let what I wanted matter by not pushing me to schedule when I didn't want to - and when I realized what she'd done I literally felt something mend deep inside me. It was a long road she and I traveled together (almost 7 years) but we got there! We just ended our work together like a week & a half ago; I couldn't have asked for a better final session. Sorry that was so long. I just wanted to share that it does get better.

I used to feel stuff connect in my brain when i finally figured out homework math story problems in grade school. Ive read that your vagus nerve is the brain of your stomach, so i wonder if thats what happened with you. Its like a duplicate brain in your stomach.

that IS about where I felt the mending happen - kinda in the same area as my stomach! That is so interesting. Off to research...

I love this! A positive story something I am hoping for but can be hard to imagine at times. How are you finding it since you have ended with your T?

I know you don't want to hear this but my god this whole thing with your therapist seeing all her clients as her children is incredibly creepy. You're not a child and also you're not HER child. She clearly feeds off this unehalthy dependency you have about her and I have to say, this is going to blow up in your face. You don't want to hear it I understand, I just thought I'd say it anyway. In my experience, this kind of obsession doesn't get resolved unless you stop all contact. And obviously you don't want to do that. Anyway, good luck.

Madame T has certainly lost sleep over me!

Hence "gut feeling"?

Thats what they are saying is the reason for that expression!

So far so good thanks! She always told me, every time I asked how I would know it was time to say goodbye, "You'll know because it won't seem like such a big deal anymore." And that's actually how it's been so far. It rather amazes me that I didn't cry when we said goodbye and haven't cried since, because I'm an emotional sort. I have been thinking about her a lot today probably because I'm home alone (hubby is working and son is out with friends) and having a kickback relaxing kinda day, and it's with a smile.

Maternal transference can be so painful. I know what you mean about wanting her to hold you even though you know that in real life it might be awkward. It’s not that I actually want or need her to hold me and love me like her child—it’s that the option is completely not allowed that makes it worse. When I’m having an especially terrible day, she’s especially not allowed to hug me because it may foster dependence (as she once had to explain to me). It makes the maternal longing more difficult.

I have other women in my life who play slightly maternal roles to me and know a lot about me and they have children and lives that I’m not part of—just like T does. But with these other women, I don’t have that strong maternal transference. The relationship is limited like all relationships are, but not as restricted as with T. And we always want what we can’t have.

I’ve tried comparing my relationship with T to my relationship with other “maternal” women in my life (a coworker, an aunt) to find what makes T so painful and the others not. I think it comes down to 2 things: 1) My T can’t verbally empathize with me by relating my story to experiences in her own life 2) she is the only gay adult woman I’ve ever had in my life, and I want her to be my fairy gay mother (aka my mentor as a younger gay person)

Then it’s like, okay, I know what the specific longings are. If I put those aside, am I satisfied with what maternal energy T provides? Maybe yes.

Sometimes it’s helpful to look at the obvious cause and effect contributing to the transference, and it can be—maybe not always easier but—slightly less confusing to take in. I know, a lot easier said than done in a moment of strong pain.

I totally identify with this. My T has been so lovely about it when we've talked about how I resent her because she can never love me the way I would want her to love me and how I envy her children having her as a mum. She said the way she cares about me is different from how she cares about her children but doesn't make it any less powerful or special. And she said to her I am very special and that she cares about me in a very genuine way. It felt so lovely for her to say that but it didn't take away any of the pain. I sometimes think this maternal transference is much more painful than any of the problems that made me seek therapy in the first place.