[goatee]

I did some inner child work with my therapist a few months ago where for the first time ever, my therapist was really able to reach that inner child part of me. It meant a lot to me because that is the part where all of my pain seems to be held. Immediately after, however, my therapist backed away from me. It was very hard for me at first because she denied it, but she finally admitted that what she was doing, that the inner child work had felt overwhelming to her and had made her realize that she needed to tighten her boundaries with me and give less to me because she was already feeling overextended with me.

It was incredibly hurtful and painful to me because it felt like my worst nightmare was happening – that I showed somebody my real true self and my pain and then the person was running away and saying I was too much and changing up the rules on me. She eventually decided to hold off on making any changes with boundaries for a few months (for which I was extremely grateful), and she did apologize for the timing of the whole thing, for it being right after the inner child work, but she held firm to the fact that she wanted to start giving me less.

It all has still been incredibly painful to me but we have been able to continue working. I’ve been grateful for the extra few months in which she is still giving me email access and such. Even though part of me has been hurt, we have been able to do a lot of good work these last few months. Fast forward to this week. We haven’t been able to do inner child again since that night because she doesn’t feel safe to come out anymore, but for the first time ever, this week, I spoke to my therapist about that part and told my therapist that she was feeling frozen and not in a good way. This was very scary for me to do because it felt like I was kind of touching upon what happened back then and also just was being very open and exposed about a very vulnerable part of me. My therapist responded well about it during session and then encouraged me to email her about it. I did and then she responded to my email by sending me one sentence of very nice reassurance (usually she writes me a couple of paragraphs back), but then she told me that she is super busy with something else and has to go now.

Of course it is totally fine, but somehow this has made everything crash in on me and I have been so upset ever since I got that email. I just felt so deeply hurt all over again and like she blew me off and like she was backing away from this part again and I don’t know. I want to email her now and tell her my feelings, but I realized I’m terrified to do so. I’m so scared I’m going to make everything worse and that she’s going to wind up deciding to take something more away from me. Also, she has a bit of a temper in a way when I get upset about things, and she often gets cold to me and backs away for awhile until they are all worked out. I don’t think I could handle that right now. But I have such unbearable hurt about what she did. Just looking for any thoughts or advice. Thanks.

You are impressively resilient to be able to continue to work with her. As stranger to stranger, I feel really sad for you. Your therapist sounds careless and seems to have been borderline brutal with you. I hope your child finds the love she deserves.

[musinglizzy]

The very same thing happened to me. I am still with this T, it happened three years ago and I have never recovered from it. I’m quite sure at this point, I never will. It set me way back, and I don’t feel like I can fully trust her again, as if I’m scared she will take something else away. It was terrribly retraumatizing.

[Inner_Firefly]

Sounds like your therapist hasn't been sensitive enough. You were so brave to be vulnerable, but her changing boundaries and saying she felt overextended is sooo hurtful! Your inner child needed to be cared for but her withdrawing and temper is making you feel unsafe! No wonder you're afraid to make it worse with another email. Will you see her again?

[goatee]

Inner Firefly, yes, I’ll see her again. I have a lot invested with her and care for her very much. I still don’t know whether I’ll email her though. I’m agonizing over the decision.

[goatee]

I just sent my T the email, and now I’m sick about it. I think it was a terrible mistake. I am so regretting it.

[weaverbeaver]

I am glad you emailed her, although I am not sure she will be able to hear what you are saying because so far her response to when you reach out is to back away.
There appears to be some push pull happening here between you and your t. You are acutely aware of it but your t is not owning her part in it. She even admitted to backing off. I wonder if she is in therapy herself or supervision because she really needs to look at her process. Perhaps she is being triggered by her own inner child work.
Anyway that’s about her but do you recognise this process of being vulnerable with someone only to be pushed away or rejected? It could be stirring up some very old wounds of yours.
I wonder do you feel safe with this t? I would find it hard to work with a t like that.

[goatee]

Thanks, weaverbeaver. Honestly, I almost never in my life let myself be vulnerable enough to reach out. It is too scary for me. I was always warned against it by my main abuser and threatened about it. That’s why this was such a big deal. Only once before have I ever reached out like this, with my first T, and yes, that did go badly.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by goatee

Thanks, weaverbeaver. Honestly, I almost never in my life let myself be vulnerable enough to reach out. It is too scary for me. I was always warned against it by my main abuser and threatened about it. That’s why this was such a big deal. Only once before have I ever reached out like this, with my first T, and yes, that did go badly.

I am sorry you have experienced this with your ex t too. It’s very painful to allow our vulnerabilities and have the t walk all over them!
I hope you will get some reassurance off your t in her email response ;hug;

[Lemoncake]

I think you've been very brave and i'm so sorry your T has handled things very badly. The part that stuck out for me in your post was the ending: "she also has a temper and often gets cold and backs away until everything is sorted". This would be a red flag for me- because for me it feels very unpredictable, like you would have to walk the line and be on your best behavior so you don't upset her. I have two child parts aged 4 and 7 they need safety, consistency and trust to come out in session . I would trust your child's inner instincts with this woman and find another T.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

The very same thing happened to me. I am still with this T, it happened three years ago and I have never recovered from it. I’m quite sure at this point, I never will. It set me way back, and I don’t feel like I can fully trust her again, as if I’m scared she will take something else away. It was terrribly retraumatizing.

similar happened to me as well with my ex-T. i finally came to the realisation that doing therapy with him in this manner was not healthy for my well being and was making my symptoms worse. it felt confusing, toxic, and very unsafe... for me it was retraumatising. i finally found the courage to get myself out of that unhealthy dynamic and terminated. i reckon learning to end that relationship, on my terms, was the most healing thing i did in all those years of therapy with him.

[MoxieDoxie]

I could not let a therapist get close to my inner child if I could not have access to him between sessions as that inner child can do a lot of damage to the whole system once it is activated. It takes a few days to really get it back into the hole it came from. I would quit and then not sure if I could trust again with another therapist. I am very grateful for the T I have that seems to understand this not that we actually talked about it. I try not to overstep my boundaries or overwhelm him and I understand and do not go into crisis if he does not respond to something over the weekend.