How much do you think a T can adapt?

I have seen a T three times. Each time she asked me loads of questions, whenever there was a gap, she came back with a question. Apart from the questions, she didn't really say very much, a few helpful things, but not a lot. In the end I found all the questioning unbearable, I wished she would just talk, and say some things about what I said that weren't questions. It would have given me a breather in the session, and maybe helped me to get to know her. I didn't say how I was feeling as I just wanted to get on with her, and I wanted to talk about my grief, not my relationship with her. I have texted her that I'm not coming back. I'm a bit sad, and I wonder if she could have adapted if I had told her how I felt and what I felt I needed from her? Or maybe that is just wishful thinking. It kind of felt that she asked questions to deal her anxiety about any silences. Some of the questions made me feel really misunderstood. It feels a relief not to be going back.

I think you have two issues here, in a sense. I think you're perhaps trying to get a bit of feedback on whether Ts can adapt in a general sense, but also you've got a bit of regret that -- if you'd been more directive and detailed about what you need -- that this particular relationship might have worked.

Am I right?

Maybe not!

Can you distinguish the kind of relief that you might feel when you've let yourself off the hook and taken the easy way out -- from the relief that you feel when you've dodged a genuine bullet?

If you do have a lingering feeling that there may have been something to salvage, then another crack at this could be worthwhile. But if you genuinely feel like this T would not have been a good fit, then cutting your losses early is a very intelligent strategy!!

Thanks for your reply MC. I don't know if I have regret for not saying anything - I was so full of grief that I just didn't want to have to deal with that aspect of therapy, I just wanted to talk. If only she could have just softly and gently heard me. I think that therapists sometimes make therapy into some complicated thing, and can't do the seemingly simple thing of listening with understanding. I did try to say something about my wish for her to talk a bit during my first session. I don't think I expressed myself very clearly. I said that I was not getting to know her.

Sorry this one didn’t work out. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find a t that has the style and skill set that you can work with. It’s good you know what you want a need from a t so if you decide to look for another, you know what to ask and discuss at the initial consult. Hopefully you will find someone that is a better match to your needs.

In my experience good therapists can adapt to the needs of the client. The problem is as you discovered, when you are very overwhelmed with emotion it is hard to communicate exactly what you need from a therapist. I've discovered that when I am very depressed, I don't want a lot of advice from the therapist. I just want him to listen and empathize. After one disastrous session, I wrote that out and handed it to him. He did adapt, which was appreciated. But I had already invested more than 3 sessions with him and didn't want to change if I didn't have to. I think that if you can find a therapist who fits right away that would be better.

To some degree I think they can adapt. But I think there’s a limit to that with all of us, not just therapists. We can change actions and words, but not who we are (at least not without a great deal of effort).

As a friend of mine says, “You can get a man not to leave the toilet seat up, but if he’s an asshole you can’t get him to stop being one.”

I hope you can find a new therapist or maybe give this one another try if you tell her what you need?

That would make a lovely needlepoint!