[Lrad123]

I’m beginning to dread the end of each 50 minute hour because I can see my T “turn off.” I get that he has to move on and prepare for the next client, but I hate being aware that he is disengaging even though it’s only for a second or two as I’m walking out. I can see it happening and I feel it. As it so happens, I’m in a helping profession and I see patients so I’m aware that it’s possible to care very much, but necessary to create some emotional distance in order to be effective. I understand intellectually and I understand from my own work experience that he needs to do this, however, when I’m the client I can’t just “turn off” after 50 minutes when the hour ends. I sometimes feel stirred up after I leave and left with my own feelings and this can make me feel more alone. When we stand up to go, he walks me toward the door and heads to his desk which is by the door. I am imagining him heading for his phone to check voicemails or his computer to check emails, moving on to his next thing. He is very caring and focused on me during our sessions and once or twice even told me of a time he thought about me outside of therapy which completely caught me off guard, but felt nice. As I read through PC threads I think others might have this issue too. Not sure there are any great solutions, I guess I’m just looking for empathy.

I hear you. My T turns away and starts typing at her computer... Often, she buzzes the next patient in less than 30s after I leave her room...

[LonesomeTonight]

Yep, I completely understand. Mine seems quite engaged until it's time to end (I even had to point out that time was up recently). But then after we schedule (using our phones), he goes over to his desk and I pay him. He usually stays sitting to shake my hand, and I imagine he stays at his computer to type notes about the session, check his e-mail, maybe check notes on his next client. I told him one time about how it can be difficult for me to just sort of switch things off when I leave (which is why I have a tendency to e-mail). He seemed a little surprised and said he could try to do a better job of wrapping up, so I'm less likely to leave feeling raw. I guess he's sort of done that? Though we've ended on some pretty intense notes before....If nothing else, he at least understands better why I e-mail and has reassured me a few times recently that I can still e-mail when needed, that his policy hasn't changed (charges if they take him longer than 15 minutes to read/respond to but otherwise fine).


I think it's worth talking about with your T. Does he allow any outside contact?

[junkDNA]

I told t once when my session was up that I would just stay and he can work around me. lol

[seeker33]

I completely understand, I have the same issue... it's sometimes really painful

Whrn in sitting outside T's hse in my car waiting to go in. I sometimes see a client before me.
She leaves at 10 to the Hr
I imagine T saying to her as she says to me in her very gentle voice "times up for today" and I know that clients time is up because mine is 10 minutes away from starting.
It gives me that balance.

[DP_2017]

I'm glad I get more than 50 min each session but it still never feels like enough. It's hard and most times, my T thankfully gets distracted by our convos and does not really pay much attention, but there has been a few where he seemingly checked out and they sucked

I only get 45 minutes (ugh) but there are times when we are deep into something and that abrupt end is jarring. I hate that and it throws off my whole week.

[guilloche]

It seems really rude (and slightly cruel) to me that all these Ts are just saying, "OK, see you next week" and then turning away from you to reach for a phone or computer. Is that really what's happening?

My current T stays present with me all the way to the door of her office. She stands up, walks to the door (of her individual office, not the main door to the building), opens the door for me, and usually says something friendly and cheerful ("Have a good week!", "See you next week!", "Drive carefully!" - etc)

If my T just cut me off like that at the end of the time, and literally turned away, that would really bug me. It would make it harder to open up, and feel kind of rejecting. I'm sorry you are all dealing with that.

[awkwardlyyours]

I don't know -- I tend to think of how therapists function in that 'hour' as a sort of performance.

It's not non-real.

But, at the same time, it's not all of who they are.

I imagine it's akin to being absorbed in an activity of some sort for a span of time and then when the time ends, having an easy-ish snapping-back to 'reality'. Like watching a movie or reading a book or meditating or something that requires a good deal of focus and is emotionally absorbing but at the same time, isn't so completely emotionally taxing on one or is of a sort that it's impossible to maintain any emotional distance and consequently, impossible to transition back to reality relatively easily.

Of course it's not going to be easy to be the client because it's our life that's the movie or the book or whatever.

I think about it this way as well -- given that my therapist sees clients pretty much literally back-to-back with no break in-between (and I happen to be her last client on both days I see her), I am glad that she's able to switch off, so to speak, from session to session.

Just yesterday, the woman who was the client just before me appeared to be sniffling and my therapist had gone over a fair bit with her -- I'm not sure if the client was in tears or had a cold or something (I deliberately didn't look at her face as she walked out, to give her privacy).

But, when my therapist came out to get me, she was her normal self -- I was super glad about it because I'm extremely sensitive to even minute changes in people's demeanors as a function of interacting with other people (who are not me). It would've felt hurtful and bothered me no end (my issues, yes) if my therapist had come out to get me in a preoccupied, sad-ish state or something. I would've been like WTF?

A while ago, another client before me ended up having what sounded like a rather intense, raised-voice (the client's) exchange with my therapist close to the door (I couldn't fully make out what was being said but there was definitely something going on). It didn't bother me. I walked in to my session as usual and it was clear that my therapist was bothered by the fact of that exchange with the other client -- we were talking about some random stuff and apropos nothing, she brought up the point of if I was referring to the previous client's intense exchange or not (I definitely wasn't -- I'd forgotten about it).

It rather irritated me that not only was she still preoccupied with it but also that she brought it into my session. Like seriously, WTF?

I'll admit I'm petty that way -- in my ideal therapist setup, I never see nor am I seen by any other client of the therapist's. And, there is nothing indicating the remote presence, even of any other clients!

Else, it feels like I'm being crowded out and suffocated (I've actually had dreams about it in relation to my current therapist).

[Fuzzybear]

I can relate... the T’s I’ve consulted have mostly been consistent in that respect, which has helped.

[ruh roh]

AY's post brings up for me the incident of the man in the window and how, now some 5 months or so later, it still bothers me. When I mentioned it last week as one of three points in time when my therapy took a dive, my therapist decided to bring up someone else from the building (non therapy related) that had stopped to talk to me a few times before my session--maybe thinking that it was a more positive experience (because the person was nice?) and would redirect me from the man in the window memory. Honestly, all it did was remind me how exposed I am. She might as well have reminded me about getting my picture taken as I left her office in tears and entered a wedding procession outside her door.

About the time frame issue: it's a switch they turn off and on, but that doesn't keep them from thinking about people between sessions.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Yep, I completely understand. Mine seems quite engaged until it's time to end (I even had to point out that time was up recently). But then after we schedule (using our phones), he goes over to his desk and I pay him. He usually stays sitting to shake my hand, and I imagine he stays at his computer to type notes about the session, check his e-mail, maybe check notes on his next client. I told him one time about how it can be difficult for me to just sort of switch things off when I leave (which is why I have a tendency to e-mail). He seemed a little surprised and said he could try to do a better job of wrapping up, so I'm less likely to leave feeling raw. I guess he's sort of done that? Though we've ended on some pretty intense notes before....If nothing else, he at least understands better why I e-mail and has reassured me a few times recently that I can still e-mail when needed, that his policy hasn't changed (charges if they take him longer than 15 minutes to read/respond to but otherwise fine).


I think it's worth talking about with your T. Does he allow any outside contact?

He does allow email between sessions which is nice because I tend to have delayed reactions to things and I think it helps me to process things by writing an email. Last week I emailed him immediately after our session, but sort of snapped, “please don’t respond because it’s almost harder wonder whether or not you’ll respond or if your answer will be good enough.” I also wrote a second email which I don’t intend to send. Guilloche’s T wins the prize for best endings if you ask me. I’d feel trivial asking my T to be more like that although it’s what I’d prefer.

Originally Posted by guilloche

It seems really rude (and slightly cruel) to me that all these Ts are just saying, "OK, see you next week" and then turning away from you to reach for a phone or computer. Is that really what's happening?

My current T stays present with me all the way to the door of her office. She stands up, walks to the door (of her individual office, not the main door to the building), opens the door for me, and usually says something friendly and cheerful ("Have a good week!", "See you next week!", "Drive carefully!" - etc)

If my T just cut me off like that at the end of the time, and literally turned away, that would really bug me. It would make it harder to open up, and feel kind of rejecting. I'm sorry you are all dealing with that.

I love the way your T handles this. That’s the way it should be done in my mind.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I don't know -- I tend to think of how therapists function in that 'hour' as a sort of performance.

It's not non-real.

But, at the same time, it's not all of who they are.

I imagine it's akin to being absorbed in an activity of some sort for a span of time and then when the time ends, having an easy-ish snapping-back to 'reality'. Like watching a movie or reading a book or meditating or something that requires a good deal of focus and is emotionally absorbing but at the same time, isn't so completely emotionally taxing on one or is of a sort that it's impossible to maintain any emotional distance and consequently, impossible to transition back to reality relatively easily.

Of course it's not going to be easy to be the client because it's our life that's the movie or the book or whatever.

I think about it this way as well -- given that my therapist sees clients pretty much literally back-to-back with no break in-between (and I happen to be her last client on both days I see her), I am glad that she's able to switch off, so to speak, from session to session.

Just yesterday, the woman who was the client just before me appeared to be sniffling and my therapist had gone over a fair bit with her -- I'm not sure if the client was in tears or had a cold or something (I deliberately didn't look at her face as she walked out, to give her privacy).

But, when my therapist came out to get me, she was her normal self -- I was super glad about it because I'm extremely sensitive to even minute changes in people's demeanors as a function of interacting with other people (who are not me). It would've felt hurtful and bothered me no end (my issues, yes) if my therapist had come out to get me in a preoccupied, sad-ish state or something. I would've been like WTF?

A while ago, another client before me ended up having what sounded like a rather intense, raised-voice (the client's) exchange with my therapist close to the door (I couldn't fully make out what was being said but there was definitely something going on). It didn't bother me. I walked in to my session as usual and it was clear that my therapist was bothered by the fact of that exchange with the other client -- we were talking about some random stuff and apropos nothing, she brought up the point of if I was referring to the previous client's intense exchange or not (I definitely wasn't -- I'd forgotten about it).

It rather irritated me that not only was she still preoccupied with it but also that she brought it into my session. Like seriously, WTF?

I'll admit I'm petty that way -- in my ideal therapist setup, I never see nor am I seen by any other client of the therapist's. And, there is nothing indicating the remote presence, even of any other clients!

Else, it feels like I'm being crowded out and suffocated (I've actually had dreams about it in relation to my current therapist).

I guess I’m lucky so far in that I never see the client before or after me. That’s sort of weird now that I think of it. Maybe he spaces his clients out more. It would be tough to have experienced that raised-voice interaction. Sorry you had to experience that.

[feileacan]

My T has 45 minute hours that start exactly on time and end exactly on time. Nothing prolongs them or makes them shorter. I've never seen a patient before me because my T has a room with T doors - one for coming, one for going. In the end of the session my T walks me to the door and his full attention is on me until I've left and closed the door behind me.

Just today we talked about what would happen if for some reason I would not see him anymore. (The context was that some time ago my T actually proposed stopping seeing me because I behaving truly terribly and he thought that seeing me doesn't help me). I asked whether he would stop caring about me just over night. He said that we've been together for so long (5 years) and worked so intensively and it would probably take him considerable amount of time to grieve the relationship we have, but that he would still stop seeing me if he thought that continuing wouldn't be for my benefit. It might be strange but that calmed me.

[stopdog]

I never left it up to the therapist. I saw time was up - I stood, tossed money down and walked out.
I think the therapist found it jarring at first.

[guilloche]

I think it just sounds so dismissive, if I'm imagining correctly what you are all describing.

It's as if I had a guest in my home, and it's time for them to leave. They know they need to leave and I know, but I still would walk them to the door and say goodbye. I wouldn't just dismiss them from my living room by waving them towards the door as I grabbed the phone to do something else. Even when I have people over that I *really* want to get rid of, I walk them to the door and say goodbye! Even when my mom, who stresses me out to no end, decided to extend her stay an extra day and leave at 6am (way before my normal wakeup time) - I set an alarm, got up, and walked her to the door to say goodbye. Is that not normal behavior? (The only time I can think of when I haven't done that was when a friend brought me home from minor surgery. He helped me get up the stairs and into bed. It would have been silly for me to walk back downstairs and risk falling over to let him out... so he let himself out and locked the door behind him.)

It's not that I think they should extend their time. I just think it's common courtesy to actually stay present until the interaction is actually over. It sounds like these T's think the interaction is over because the time is done, but in reality, it's not really over until you're outside of their personal/office space.

Once I step outside of the door to my T's office, I have no clue what she does. She could roll her eyes and let out a big sigh of relief that I'm gone - and that's fine. It doesn't matter, b/c I'm out of her space at that point.

I don't know, maybe I'm just sensitive to the idea of being "dismissed".

[tomatenoir]

My therapist works from home. When the session is over, he'll say, "Well, our time is here." I've always thought that was such a nice way of saying "Time's up" or "Time's over, get out". Ha.

He'll wait for me to stand, and he'll never stand up until I'm not looking at him. It's like he doesn't want to startle his clients with a sudden movement or something. He'll then walk me to his front door. If I look back, he'll wave goodbye.

It's always felt very warm.

[junkDNA]

my t gets up with me and walks into the waiting room with me and says bye and I leave.

unless I leave in a fit of rage and run out of there before t can even get up out of his chair

but yeah.. usually he follows me out

I remember talking to T about leaving.
She said, even if you spent all day here, leaving would still feel as it does at the end of session.
That was a while back. Had to many 50minutes now for it to be an issue.

[SalingerEsme]

This is a huge struggle for me. I think there is a power dynamic to it that is plain and right out there. My T is really passionate about his space/ his office, and how safe it is. Given that, and how insistent he is about overcoming resistance and progressing into dar, anguishing topics, it sometimes feels heartless to get the boot in a twofold way 1) I live in a smallish city and have a public job, so I know people on the streets. I feel like a surgeon opened me up and forgot to end with stitches walking out wth tear streaks. 2) It makes me feel like my T is faking it, or bean counting with time when no one else I now acts that way with other humans. He doesn't do the intensive engagement outside of sessions. Knowing he works a four day week makes me a bit cynical I think.

[Erebos]

Usually so relieved to be leaving I have never thought about what my psych does.....
Walks with me down to reception ..where he says "hope to see you soon."
Even though we both know it will probably be months before I make it to another appointment.

I am always so focused on getting out of there that it's the light at the end of the tunnel when that hour is finally up.

[BudFox]

I found it destructive.

I see no reason to accept that scheduling clients back to back, like cattle going to the slaughterhouse, or widgets on an assembly line, is healthy or ethical or represents some inevitability.

Same goes for having relationships with unnaturally rigid time boundaries, and interacting with someone who constantly changes their persona in order to please paying customers.

This is just how the industry set things up for maximum profit-making efficiency.