Conflicted...

I just looked up the definition of “conflicted” ...

(Something there reminded me of a VERY painful time when I was “growing up”

I’m not a “super bear” and I don’t use exact optimum and 100 percent correct words every time I speak or post. If I did, I wouldn’t ever say anything.

I was almost silent as a child.

I was very “anxious” in therapy and my anxiety “interfered with” And was “destructive” to the therapy.

So maybe the “failed” therapy was “my fault”

Another therapist told me that I had “too many defences”

So maybe I “failed” again.



Does that shame belong to me?

Does the failure of my parents make me a “shameful being” ?

Maybe I “should” put these thoughts in a journal. But I don’t get much from talking to myself

Too many defences? That is an extremely weird thing for a t to say. It reminds me of the AA (I think) saying about how many drinks - one is too many and a thousand is not enough. Like its not really a quantifiable thing. "Please check the number of defenses you have: 1-10, ..."

That t was definitely lacking an important bow in his quiver.

Fuzzy, I think it is a T's role to help identify those defences and work with them. I think we all put defences in place to protect us (and I think they can serve a useful purpose) and we need to feel safe enough to slowly dismantle them.

You are certainly not to blame for having them, they developed for survival. You need to find the right T and feel safe enough to take a leap of faith. Although I know that is not easy.

I'm sorry, dear Fuzzy.

It can be so powerful, this feeling of shame.

We didn't ask for it!

No child should be silent. It's very sad, even to think of it.

What did she think happened for there to be " too many defences " ? We do have to feel safe to try and let those down. Big hugs Fuzzy.