When therapists cry

One of my goals in therapy has been to work on my desire to control other people by having them say what I want to say and how I want to say it. One day in T I asked T why he wasn't reacting to whatever negative thing I was saying about myself. He said, "you are getting a reaction, it's just not the one you want."

For me, becoming an adult after a childhood with CSA, I understand that I needed to be in control around other people to feel safe. I took no B.S. and would dump anyone or ream them a new one for failing to respond in the way I preferred or for sloppy responses. I didn't understand how they couldn't get me, assumed they were too stupid or lacked some critical experience to understand. I had rocky, rupturous relationships with T's and non T's alike, a lot of drama.

It's still in progress, this exploration into allowing people to say what's on their mind in they way they choose to say it. When I don't understand or agree, I'll ask questions to clarify or I'll say what is true for me. (sometimes, if I can, I still oscillate into questioning or lecturing in ways that make the people in my life feel intimidated.

For me the reward has been deeper and more satisfying relationships, a calming effect of being with others and an ease in therapy that has allowed me to make better progress.

So my T has teared up on a few occasions and hasn't tried to hide it. Sometimes it has been about a similar experience he has shared and sometimes he thinks some of my story is sad. I'm okay with this, and if he boo-hooed full on I would be surprised. I would not accept an angry or judgemental reaction, like "Gawd you are such a ____". He has told me from time to time that he thinks something I said to someone else was mean or something else that doesn't feel like a judgement, but an observation about how he sees it. Maybe because of his lack of defensiveness all these years i told him he was wrong and he sticks with his story but admits he doesn't hold a corner on the truth, but I'm okay with this. I may or may not agree. His beliefs, as well as he responses to what I've said, are sometimes useful and sometimes not. Whatever they are, they have helped me understand myself better and make changes that I want to make.

Also, before I worked with people who cried a lot in the process, I was afraid of crying or any strong emotions. Nobody cried in my family growing up. More likely, it was that stereotypical "that's nothing to cry about" or "I'll give you something to cry about." Working with people who have had a lot to cry about has made me see crying as just like anything else people do when talking or sharing their stories, burping, feeling angry or hostile, whatever. It's their reaction, so what?