Filtering or not?

In therapy (and applies as well, to stuff outside of therapy) --

Do you wish that the therapist / other person would say exactly what's on their mind, unfiltered?

Or, would you prefer that they apply some sort of filter?

If a filter, what are the general circumstances under which you'd prefer a filter?

I used to be a huge fan of the Totally-Unfiltered option but I'm no longer sure I have the stomach to deal with it.

I prefer them to be as honest with me as I am with them. I don't like the unevenness of things

It depends. Sometimes, I simply want to be lied to if it will make me feel better. It depends on what's going on. When I am depleted and stressed, that kind of honesty is a kick in the teeth.

About what? In the role of therapist - filter is what I am paying for. I had no reason to care about whatever was really on the woman's mind.

Yeah, so it wouldn't apply in your case.

Because well, basically, whatever's on the therapist's / other person's mind -- E.g. I'm kvetching about X problem for the nth time and they let loose on what they think of it all.

It depends on who it is. But from a therapist I found saying exactly what was (apparently) on their mind, very harmful. In general, I think that honesty without compassion can be and often is, brutality.

That kind of “honesty” is like kicking someone when they’re down (imo)

If I asked, then maybe. But usually I expect real people to do what I do if they are going on about something for the nth time - stop paying attention/listening - generally I think letting loose except in rare instances with very very close people - to be a bad plan.

I voted it depends.
Blunt directness judiciously and respectfully applied, sure, especially if they’ve taken time to build a foundation in the relationship that can bear that.
Honesty, always, even if it’s just shutting up and listening because they understand that what they are actually thinking might not be helpful and might be their own stuff. But honesty can almost always be tempered with a filter of tact and compassion.
No holds barred unfiltered feedback without being tempered with tact and respect is rarely helpful in any relationship.

Depends, but not on the subject but the quality of the filtering. A certain French existentialist therapist of my acquaintance is a lousy filterer and “there there”r, so she might as well not filter.

But--but--but--without filters, there is no civilization! I can get unfiltered anywhere for free; I pay for filtered.

My therapist is very honest with me whether it is good or bad.
I find it helpful. And I am strong enough to take it.

If I felt like my T was frustrated with me for some reason and if it kept coming up again and again then I guess I might wish for T to be unfiltered so we could get to the bottom of it. I think our relationship could survive that.

But in any other circumstance, no, I don't want unfiltered. Unfiltered is how I used to be before I started therapy with this T. It alienated people and got me in trouble and I was unpleasant to be around at times. T is modeling filtering for me so I can see how to do it properly and so I can see the difference between filtering and outright lying (which I won't do). I already know how to do unfiltered.

I put it depends, as I don't want someone necessarily filtering their opinion if I ask them straight out what they think about X. I am putting that in a close friendship scenario. But saying that, I think them bluntly spitting out whatever their brain is thinking at that exact moment might be harmful, so maybe some filtering needs to happen.

In therapy, I appreciate her carefully filtering her words. Sometimes I want to be like "Just tell me! I can handle it!," but mostly I know I probably couldn't. She is honest with what she thinks, but with certain topics she is careful because she doesn't want to trigger me into the downward spiral I can easily go into.

I think some amount of filtering is good. People who are too unfiltered can leave a wake of upset and anxiety behind them. But on the other hand some people filter everything so much that you can never tell whether they are happy, or angry, or what they really think about anything. That can also be uncomfortable and unhelpful sometimes. I vote for some filtering but not excessive filtering

It depends. Two weeks ago my T was very blunt with me, when he has never been like that before. It has changed things between us.

I think most of the time my T manages to be honest and transparent without being blunt and potentially hurtful. I like that approach. So filtered, yes, in a way that ensures he is speaking with my therapeutic interests as heart, but also authentic.

This supposes that whats in their mind must be unspeakable?
I don't feel T sugar coats. Also don't feel she has unspeakable "truths"

I think educating to be a therapist and work as a therapist includes using filters to some extent, or else there is no therapy. If a T uses no filters at all that would mean he/she shows how he/she feels about what a client tells him/her based on his/her values.


As an example, if a T feels it very important to him/her to be fit and live a healthy life and meets with a client who is overweight and never exercise - being totally open and non-filtered towards that client wouldn´t work. I mean, that T can´t show he/she thinks this client should loose weight and say that to the client.

There are such situations all the time. To me, unfiltered therapists means there is no therapy, then a client would meet with the therapist's private selves and that wouldn´t benefit him/her.

I don´t want a T to lie of course but that´s another thing. To me a T isn´t there to tell a client "the truth" based on what he/she thinks or values but rather support the client towards a more healthy way of living, especially on a mental level.