Is it important that your T be saner than you?

It's a clever and humorous question that I like very much. The answer is I don't know how I could figure that out. Even though I've worked with and around mental health workers/issues for 30+ years, I don't have a very good grasp on who's sane and not or how insane they are. I especially don't think I could get an accurate picture of T's sanity, given the boundaries the relationship. While my friends are inclined to talk about their own loneliness or depression or anxiety, fortunately T is not.

I have a sense of his past struggles but that doesn't tell me much about his current issues. He's had a recent health event and one with his wife, but his descriptions of these don't reveal too much. I can sort of tell he's been affected but I'm not sure I would have noticed had he said little at all (although his own health issue was explained as the basis for several months out of the office).

I do wonder if therapists might be subjected to the "shoemaker's children have no shoes" phenomenon and be more resistant to seeking help than others, or be the worst clients when they do. I suspect they suffer about the same amount from mental health issues, maybe more from vicarious trauma. Therapists don't show up high on the list of professionals who are psychopaths or narcissists, or professions where there are high rates of substance and alcohol abuse. Social workers appear low on the list of highest rates of suicide per profession (which suggests a greater than average rate).

So I guess I can't know if my T is saner than me-- it seems he would be about as likely as me to be somewhat crazy-- but I would like to know what he would do if he found himself *now* to be struggling-- what kind of therapy would he seek and how would he choose a therapist?

Good question . I’d prefer it if the T is saner than I, in that they don’t bring their anger and negative countertransference into the session. I would like them to be sane enough to provide a safe enough space. I prefer it if rattlesnakes aren’t in the room with us.

I am not sure what the criteria of saner would be. I certainly would not want a T who is actively in the middle of the exact same problems I want to work on with them, unresolved. For example, my biggest issue was addiction - I certainly would not want a T who is in any active addiction, especially in denial. Or anything that affects their perception, judgment and morals in negative ways, like my first therapist. I would not expect them to never experience some anxiety, depression or grief, for example, as I think those probably affect everyone to some extent during a lifetime. What I would primarily want is competency and good work ethic. I also don't really want to hear about the T's problems, I don't get anything productive out of paying to commiserate.

My T was “too perfect” - he didn’t own his stuff. It was a turn off

I wish I had called him on it and said “you turn people off” but alas...

As long as I feel like I'm being helped, I'm good.

For the last two years, almost whole two years, I did my best to be a doctor. My doctors argued whether or not I could be one, and my internist did tell me I could be one, but it turns out my pdoc and ophthalmologist did not agree. And neither did I before the entrance exam. I did register for the exam, but did not appear as the exam was scheduled to be in a city 200km away. I could have asked my dad to drop me there in his car, but I figured out it wouldn't make any sense, as I have nerve damage.


There were a lot of issues like my muscle knots, squint, poor social skills, poor agility, etc. which made me disqualified for med school. Not just mental illness. I cannot drive either. So it's a big no-no.

Now I wished I would have owned a KTM, but it turns out due to my brain dysfunction I cannot handle the agility and quickness required while driving, might just end up killing a person or two, on the first day. Mental illness isn't just "acting odd and fine otherwise", most of them make you disabled. Some affect memory and the rest of the cognition.

So if I were a therapist and my patient found me avoiding eye contact, telling him about a unicorn I saw last night and I could never drive a motorbike, he isn't to trust me and I will be the one put on meds by colleagues.

So yes I prefer a sane therapist, preferably. It's discrimination though if I prefer a "saner" therapist, correct me if I am wrong.

If you're talking about ME,that's a pretty low bar!