T's Failure to Answer an Email

my ex-T use to say this exact thing often, and usually it was met with much disdain and resistance from me (my argument always was, 'how the hell am i suppose to teach myself to 'meet my needs' or mother myself when no one ever taught me in the first place??)...the saying must come from the chapter on 'Dealing with Needy Clients' from "The Lazy Ts Handbook to Condescending Psychotherapy"

apologies..feeling a bit cynical tonight

As a therapist, who also attended peer consultations where the cases were discussed, I can reveal one of the therapists' dirty secrets. The majority of them do think hard about how to respond to clients' communications. They don't exactly "agonize" over it, but they treat communications seriously. At least, I was around colleagues who treated them seriously and I did the same. I also have to say that a big reason why they do that is potential liability issues. Written communications are records and could potentially be used against them. So, they usually want to make sure that their responses are within the bounds of ethics and professionalism. They might act with clients like they don't pay as much attention to their communications as they do, but they do pay attention.

as much as it is not fair (which T acknowledges too) I find it to be the brutal truth. sure it makes me angry and that's okay. I should feel angry. but I've realized that what T gives me will never be enough. I am never satiated. sometimes I feel like a black hole

I am not a therapist and never discussed these questions with therapists, but the above is what I would think just intuitively. I don't think it's common that Ts get so involved with a client that they would agonize over their interactions, but they probably want to manage it in a way that is appropriate and protects them. My first T sometimes wrote really inappropriate things in emails, I think he did not think about the potential consequences, but perhaps thought I was so enmeshed with him that I would never consider using it against him. When I once made it clear to him that I found those things and his general behavior inappropriate, and would consider reporting, interestingly he stopped those types of reactions completely. I think it became clear that I saw through him and his manipulations and he wanted to protect himself.

My other therapist often responded to emails but very minimalistically and mostly with generic content. That actually worked for me well because, after a while, it alleviated my desire to contact him.

The other, perhaps similar, experience I have is from my own professional communications with colleagues, students etc. There wasn't a single case I did not regret when I got too involved and personal in those interactions. It was almost always counterproductive, confused my role and interest, and made me feel bad about being unprofessional and messy. Similarly, the people I typically respect the most are professionals whose communication style is consistent, reliable, free of their personal hangups, never excessive. It would bother me to learn that they agonize over our interactions. Of course it's also bothersome of someone lacks interest and is dismissive. I think professional interactions are best when focused, goal-oriented, positive and supportive but not out of proportion. That's when someone transmits the image that they are reliable and know what they are doing.

I love this0 there's so much truth to this

Pretty sure my T has that handbook!

Mine often sends thoughtful but brief email responses. Once when I told him I was hurt by an abrupt response he wrote, “Lrad, please know what you write to me and share I do read and take in.” I thought that was nice. Also, I kind of like it when he uses my name which he doesn’t do often. He has also said that he tries to encourage processing emotional content together in session rather than in email. I understand this, but for whatever reason I’m much more open and vulnerable in emails than I am in person.

I don't consider this supposed secret "dirty." I think it would be a great idea for more people to "think hard" about how and when to communicate, perhaps especially some politicians leading our country.

As a lawyer, I fully support people considering how their statements and actions may influence their liability-- as avoiding malpractice (or other civil or criminal liability) whether accused or actual seems like a good idea. Again, if more people would do this I think we'd have a whole country with healthier communication, especially if our supposed leaders would model this.

Exactly so, Anne. E-mail, text, Twitter, social media have all encouraged the written equivalent of road rage, and it does no one any good. At best, it has contributed to a culture of narcissism.

I don't think my T necessarily agonizes about what he texts, because it all seems to come naturally to him, but he definitely takes it seriously. I usually send the same kind of message, as in, Are we still okay?