Wanting connection between sessions

Ok. This is is complicated. I both crave connection with my T and am embarrassed/ashamed about that. I’m very independent in my real life so I don’t like this longing, but I have it. I’d really like to get an email from him so that I feel connected but I don’t know what to say. I felt connected after I saw him on Wednesday, but now it has definitely faded. I’m not even sure what I would want his email to say, but there’s a risk it could sound flip and insincere and that might make me feel needy and ashamed and worse about asking him for something.

So, I’m wondering if anyone has any good, maybe more subtle, ways of asking for connection via email. I most definitely can’t say “I miss you and want to know you’re there” although I’m probably thinking something along those lines. I do have a couple of stressful events in my life this week and I could use that as an excuse to email. Or should I just suck it up and wait until next Wednesday? I definitely know how to do that as that’s probably the way I often handle my emotional needs. I’m just wondering if I should give into this urge, and if so, what’s the best way to do it without feeling over-the-top vulnerable?

I am the same as far as independent goes. I don't feel I am dependent on my T. Like I don't seek advice from him, I can manage my life without him... BUT....I really value him in my life and want that connection. For me... I don't always need something current... like a new email... but I can read old ones, or look at photos, think about something that reminds me of him.

If you really want the emails every week, just ask and explain why. It's tough but sometimes the hardest things are worth most in the end. Just know that at some point, many therapists get to a point where they don't answer every email. It may just be a short term thing to help. You could also see if he has a photo online and you can keep it on your computer to look at. Many people do that and no you don't have to tell him. They expect those kinds of things to happen.

Another idea that worked for me when my T was away for 2 weeks and I was not allowed any contact, is to write him letters. You don't have to actually give them (you can obviously) just write down your thoughts and things you want to say as if you are actually speaking directly to him. It really does help. Good luck and this is nothing to be ashamed of. Connections in therapy are hugely important to many people. Therapists are used to that want/need.

Have you emailed before? That will give you a better sense about what to expect (or not) from your therapist by way of reply. Mine is very open to between session contact, and it's just naturally worked really well without becoming a problem. Do you think you could email to say you're struggling (and maybe what that looks like/feels like for you)? I don't think there's anyway to not feel at all vulnerable. But is the risk of being vulnerable worse than how you feel now?

Sometimes I email my T just telling him that I love him or that I just need to know that he's there and if I want a reply back or not, it helps me. He didn't use to allow me to do this before when we first started though.

This is similar to my experience/advice too. I also think it's helpful to talk in session about how you feel between sessions and find out how your T would respond if you reached out. For example, "What should I do if I miss you and I just want to know you're there?" My T responds very kindly to those kinds of emails, and the more consistently she does that, the less I want/need it.

I've literally said (in text or email to ex-MC), "You're still there, right?" And he's responded that he is. Or with current T, a couple times, if we've had a session where I revealed something big (whether about something from my past or regarding the therapeutic relationship), I've sent an email that basically just said, "You're still OK with everything, right?" And he's said he is. In terms of what response you get, I've found it's helpful to say exactly what you want. If you're literally just checking in to make sure they're still there/still care/whatever, just say that, even if it feels a bit silly. If you want support, say that (I've said, "I could really use some support right now" or "some words of support"). Or if you feel uncomfortable being so clear, then you could mention something stressful coming up. Or, I mean, if you literally just want to check in, if you don't have a set session time, you could just say, "I was just making sure I had the session time correct--is it 2 pm Tuesday?" (Doesn't work so well if you have a set time!)

But I agree with others that it could help just to ask your T what they'd want you to do in that situation, like OK to reach out with an "are you still there?" email? How would they respond to that? And to talk in general (during session) about feeling a lack of connection between sessions--maybe T would have suggestions for that (something like...dare I say, a transitional object, for example).

I think this is where I am struggling right now. When I am sitting in her office I know I am safe and she cares. I know I can talk about anything in fact there are things I have said to her that I never said to T (not stuff that I hid from T but things about theraputic relationship, etc). However. As soon as I walk out of the office I feel like the connection is gone and I long for that connection.

This week has been very hard especially with much of what has been in the media. I have been reallystruggling. Plus the is stuff going on this week which will be EXTREMELY emotional. I could have reached out to T during all this. Can't and don't feel comfortable with current T.

Not sure how to approach her??

Yes he typically responds to emails, but I’m worried he’s feeling like I should stop. It came up once (after I asked) that I’m his only client who emails about things other than appointments so I feel pretty guilty about that. I should be able to get by without reassurance and I actually know I can, but it’s just nice.

Wow. Good for you! That’s brave beyond what I could ever imagine. I can’t be that open, so I’m trying to come up with a baby step, I guess.

Wow, so brave! Saying Love to him so casually, causes me such anxiety, not sure I could ever do such a thing but it's wonderful you feel you can... and he's ok with it I assume?

If you needed to see your T 5 days a week so be it, you need as much support as you need Lrad and that includes email support.

Lemon

I like your so be it theory but sadly not every t allows multiple sessions a week. It can't always be what a client wants or needs. Not sure what OP case it but just pointing out it's not always that simple

My T has actually offered 2x/week appointments but we haven’t been able to find a time that works with both of our schedules. He pretty much requires standing appointments at the same day/time every week and I do that for the one weekly appointment I have, but couldn’t do that for a second appointment. I wish he’d let me have varying times/days based on my work schedule for the second appointment, but he doesn’t work that way. Going 2x/week might help with the connection fading.

I was only allowed 2x a week for 8 weeks in a crisis. He does not do it longer or regularly so clients don't get dependent on him. Yes it helped with connections but it also made the attachment stronger and I felt more dependent at times which I hated. Some days I hate his rule but others I'm glad because I still feel independent yet close to him which I like. I suggest talking to him about it. Maybe you can come up with something like a regular email since the 2nd session wont work for you right now. Good luck

When I started going 2x/week, it definitely helped me to maintain that feeling of connection. It allowed us to go deeper I think. I actually go 3x/week right now because of a rough year and needing more support.

E-mail him how you have been processing the material you covered like any new revelations, what was helpful, what you liked, what you might want to touch on in the next session. All these things will actually help him and become more connected to you.

Have you tried talking about the fading connection in session? I tend to think that if session was giving you what you needed, the connection might not fade so quickly. Or does this highlight something you are missing in real life-- does connection fade for you in other relationships? I'm not talking about adapting to a partner leaving town for a few days or your closest friend being unavailable.

I'm not saying that clients don't benefit from email exchanges, but I think having a strong connection is a therapy topic that would benefit more from discussion than email. Maybe even bringing the issue into the light for a weekly check-in, as in "this is how I did with my sense of connection this past week", reporting on it, journaling about it, or any other "tool" including email or homework, would be helpful. I guess I'm just saying treat it as something to work on rather than something that needs a quick fix.

why cant you say that? I say it to my therapist. she says she prefers when I say what I'm really thinking vs masking my feels with whatever...that i dont need to have my guard up with her