Couch 177: I Get a Strange Magic - ELO

Nightmares can be extremly scary. I hope you can sleep soundly

Being scared of someone isn't bound by age... It's completly understandable that you're still afraid of him...
Maybe you should tell him that he looks fat without his shirt, might help (not being serious)

I don't think your T hates you. Why do you think he wants to get rid of you?

Hugs, he's skinny haha. One of the most confusing things about him is he's transgender but incredibly misogynistic. And he has had his sadistic streak since we were young.

Hugs hugs

What do you mean by sadistic streak?

Hugs. Sometimes I really don't understand your brother.

He used to like hurting me to try to make me cry. My two worst remembered traumas were instances of him punishing me and involved him recruiting another kid to join in.

Urgs. I'm sorry about that... It's awful that you still have to live with him (and your parents).

Hugs. A friend said they wish he'd step on a landmine after I told them specific examples I won't write here.

I know someone on PC has suffered medical torture. I didn't (and I'm not saying its equivalent) and he liked to tell adults about what he wanted to do to me along those lines. Essentially stories to adults about wanting to torture me in various ways while keeping me alive as long as possible. No adult took it seriously, and he would describe these acts in front of me too.

When he would hurt me, he would increase the pain because I resisted crying. He liked hurting me.

And he's also been the sibling coming to me for years saying he's suicidal from the parental abuse. He still doesn't want professional help.

I think moving out would be good for my mental health. It's just difficult, money-wise, as usual. Been talking about options with local friends.

He says that he feels powerless, that he doesn't understand something I'm trying to explain...
He looked really unhappy (angry?) yesterday, I guess he hates seeing me
I also refuse to take my meds, I'm a difficult client

Sometimes I really hate my husband. He's become emotionally abusive again. Tonight he wouldn't leave me alone until I completely broke down. It really sucks.

You're traumatised. Your psychosis is at least in part due to complex trauma. While not everyone who experienced early trauma will develop psychosis, the risk goes up for those already genetically predisposed.

Trauma and Psychosis | Psychology Today

Meta-analysis Links Childhood Trauma to Psychosis Symptoms

Many people who suffer psychosis episodes have been traumatised in their formative years and further traumatised by restrains, forced ingestion of meds.

While I wish you'd take your meds IF they help, I fully believe your concerns about how the meds make you feel should be listened to and addressed.

Sometimes being "more present in reality" is terrifying. Who wants to be present in reality if reality effing sucks?

While he feels powerless because he really really really wants to help you, he shouldn't blame you. You deserve care and if he's feeling helpless, that's what peer consultations and clinical supervison is for.

You're "difficult" maybe because he's not hearing you and understanding you? It's not because you're a bad person or trying to make his life hard. You're suffering and deserve empathy and compassion.

He keeps asking "How can I help you?" or "What can I do for you?" and I have no answer for that

Hugs. It's OK to not know what could help. It's hard to answer.

When do you feel least awful in sessions with him and outside sessions? That can give clues to what has helped or can help.

For example, maybe living on your own away from family helped because you had your own place with a door you can close and lock. That tells you and us that privacy and safety helped you.

Maybe you can write out times when you felt even a little bit less awful and we couchies can help?

I know you felt good when T said he loved you. That's because you've very human needs of wanting to be loved. Love can be broken down further into ingredients, so...you want to be cherished, want to matter, want deep care, want connection.

It might indeed be that you are a difficult client. But who believes they are an easy one?

Well that's uncalled for. He's either seriously ... sick or a real jerk.

(There is no word for "a person with low mental health" that wouldn't be offensive on this forum.)

Have you spoken to your lawyer yet?

Isn't he trained for exactly that?

I guess he wants me to agree that he can't help me without meds

Thursday, 13th September at 10am

I have finally scheduled an appointment with R, after too bloody long.

It seems this is what my brain gets up to on a weekday morning when not compelled to go to work -- discovering the Haiku Society of America and its haiku collection.

Quantum ****ing physics makes more ****ing sense to me than whatever the **** therapists think they are ****ing doing.

Quantum physics makes more sense than most things in life. I speak from experience, I did my thesis on quantum computing

I don't like those questions. I never have an answer for them.

I agree with QM here... Him being unhappy doesn't mean he's angry. It just means that he doesn't like to see you suffering. You might be a difficult client, but seriously, there are very few people who aren't. If you don't want to take meds, then that's ok. It's his job to help you find ways to feel at least a little better.

The questions you mention are difficult questions. I never had an answer to them. If I did, I'd not need to see them (therapists) in the first place. When do you see him next?